Fear and shame are the very things the narcissist counts on to control the survivors, keep survivors in isolation, and to be silent about how the abuse they endure. Emotional and psychological manipulation has dire consequences for survivors. Often, it negatively impacts their mental well-being and physical health for months, years, and even a lifetime. The repetitive abuse changes who they are, minimizing their potential and disrupting their day-to-day functioning. Extreme or long-term trauma can even cause brain damage or other physical or mental abnormalities.
Narcissists use fear tactics to make others feel threatened, lesser than, or weak. They use guilt to manipulate you to believe that they should meet their often unreasonable demands. They gather information about you and then use it against you later. They focus on and then exaggerate your faults or weaknesses. Then, they play the victim. They shift blame. They claim you are being defensive against their absurd claims. They constantly try to “keep up” or outperform you. It is a repetitive choice. It is abuse. It is domestic violence. Our legal system has not yet caught up. It is one reason why narcissists get away with this relationship after relationship.
The untold pain and suffering caused by narcissistic abuse are very much like death by 1,000 paper cuts. In the inevitable smear campaign, the narc will say stories are exaggerated or as the narc repeatedly told me, “You are embellishing, I never said that”. They will masterfully omit their abusive choices and deny reality and responsibility. Each abusive instance is the pain of a paper cut that never heals in their circular conversations and repeated narc tactics.
I am learning to heal is the same. There is no immediate fix to narcissistic abuse, although leaving and going no contact can help immensely. Life after the narc is often times unchartered emotional waters for the survivor. There isn't an epiphany to have. Finding and then researching the term covert narcissism certainly was a light bulb moment and helpful to the logical brain, but does nothing to heal the lingering damage to the gut, brain, or nervous system. There isn't a Dr to see or a pill to take. In fact, going to any M.D. will result in hearing your symptoms are "all in your head". There isn't an overnight change in "mindset" to make. Waking up nearly 9 months later and realizing I have the freedom to be me and a daily routine to get through can still feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Healing the 1,000 paper cuts is done in small moments of loving-kindness.
Small Moment #1
Three weeks ago, I received the 2nd injection into healing my shoulder. The three ligaments were torn in such narcissistic rage (read post "Its Abuse") I carried shame in my left shoulder for 10 months before finding the strength and courage to do something about healing it. On this second visit, I offered some of the movements I had gained back since the first visit and showed him the movements that were still limited. In that conversation, my understanding of yoga anatomy stood out to the Dr. I explained I owned a studio and taught for many years. He shared he had just recently begun to study the 8-limb yoga path. We had a surprising conversation about how he's using Eastern knowledge in his Western practice. It was clear he had a solid understanding of yoga beyond the poses, this is very rare in a M.D. Before he injected my shoulder, he asked "Are you ready to do the last thing you would want to do on a Wednesday?". I responded I know this is the path to healing, I'm done with the pain, and I'm ready. To my surprise, he responded, "I know it's painful, but I will use the most loving kindness when I do it." One of the core principles of yoga, is loving kindness. It did not fall flat on me that the rage in which these ligaments were torn was being restored with kindness. In that moment with those few words, I began to restore my faith that kindness does exist.
Small Moment #2
The last time I got my haircut was right before my 40th birthday. Fast forward nearly 14 months later it took me weeks to strategize on where to get my haircut. I didn’t want to go back to my pre-narcissist salon for fear of having to answer questions about my building, businesses, the narc himself, or any detail in my life. I didn’t want to go back to the place I went to when I lived with the narc for the same fear. In fact, when I got my last haircut, he accompanied me. This was right after he cut off all money and when we went to pay, he told me I could pay for my $40 haircut. I did not yet know of the cleaning lady’s car, I put it on my credit card. This was his way to devalue me in public. I didn’t want to go anywhere where they knew me. Fear and shame worked on me still months later over a haircut.
It can be crippling to try to function in daily life while carrying and navigating these emotions. Self-care can sometimes feel overwhelming in post-narcissistic abuse. For me, this all held true. This overpowering emotional state is what I am working to heal. Finally, after 6 weeks of talking myself into it, I found a salon & a week later, I got my haircut.
I simply noticed the new freedom as I sat talking to this stranger (stylist) and walked out with a sense of relief because I did not have him nearby listening to find his next statement to weaponize. Learning to be me again in a public place logically sounds absolutely absurd. However that is the lingering pain of a single paper cut in narcissistic abuse.
Small Moment #3
Seeing people I knew from the days of pre-narcissistic abuse instantly ignites fear and shame. It is embarrassing to know I ever trusted this man. I carry shame for defending him and tolerating his abuse. I carry shame for allowing him to have a say in my businesses. How did I not know about narcissism? In Brainspotting, I am progressing in building my capacity for the heavy emotions surrounding the narc, but that doesn’t stop me from ducking into an aisle to avoid talking to someone. I have no desire to discuss anything I have been doing or see people I haven’t seen in a few years and make small talk. In post-narcissism life and my lack of trust, it's hard to wrap my brain around others' good intentions. The moment I see someone I know, fear and shame immediately ignite my low self-worth, and hypervigilance and spin me into a near panic. Never did I experience that pre-narcissist. It is a learned mindset. My nervous system is still reacting to the devaluing words, his lies and accusations, and his psychological and emotional abuse. I can feel the death by 1,000 paper cuts.
As if scheduled by Divine intervention, a day later, I received a text message from a yoga student. "Are you still in the area? I miss your businesses, I don't like seeing your corner empty." It was so kind of her to reach out. Yes, I miss her too. I know others miss my business. I do, too. Little did she know I was ducking my way through the store earlier that week and her kindness in that moment and message was healing another paper cut.
Like everything in life, some days are better than others. Feeling my shoulder gain mobility, finally getting my haircut, and getting groceries are my little moments of healing. Life post narcissistic abuse isn't recognizable. Covert narcissism is invisible domestic abuse rooted in deep insecurity and fear with lasting effects. Healing takes a daily loving-kindness practice first to self and then to others. That loving-kindness is the exact thing the narc set out to destroy one paper cut at a time.
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