Blatant. Shameless. He would look me square in the eyes and lie. My nervous system would activate, I knew he was lying and I would tell him, the ease at which he lied was frightening. Sometimes he produced tears to make it believable. No, he wasn't having an affair. No, he didn't buy her that car. He lied he never smoked cigarettes before in his life, and the stress I put on him made him start. He would lie to his son, he would be home in 20 min and it was 2 hours left on the GPS. He would lie to employees. He would lie to his own family. The ease at which lied to anyone willing to listen was jaw-dropping. His kids, his family, his employees, and anyone who needed supply at any moment he needed it.
Narcissists lie to inflate their esteem. They tell their lies often enough they actually believe them to be true. They lie to relate to another person or to make themselves seem superior in the relationship. They lie for empathy. They lie to gain control over people. They lie to rewrite reality. Integrity and honesty mean nothing to them. They need to uphold their image, if only in their own head. These are just a few I caught him in. Individually, they could be rationalized away. He is insecure. He didn't want a reaction from me. He felt ashamed. For me, these were the start of the slow downhill spiral into self-doubt, hyper-vigilance, and questioning my reality. And after I began educating myself on covert narcissistic tactics, it is these small choices he made that were psychologically and emotionally abusive.
Guesswork.
He called me. He told me he was at a specific restaurant. He told me he was sitting in the parking lot. He told me he was waiting on an employee to arrive before he went inside and wanted to say Hi. Great. I told him we would go to his brother's for dinner and asked when he would be home. It seemed honest. I wanted to believe he was trying to communicate. I waited for him to get home. He walked in with a dispensary bag and the receipt was from 90 min away. This meant he never was where he said he was and never had been there. He didn't just lie, he detailed it out. He called to tell me this lie. He needed supply and to keep me guessing.
He would tell me he was in a work meeting and then show up directly behind me at the gym. He would stand in the gym in work clothes and just stare. Everyone was with a trainer. My open invitation to come to work out with me, because I had nothing to hide, was always met with “no, I just want to see what you do here”. He lied to the trainers and told them he played football at SIU-Carbondale. I listened to him elaborate on this blatant lie. He didn’t play SUI-C. He played for 1 year at another small college and transferred out. I knew he didn’t, I confirmed with his brother he didn't. Why would a 50-year-old man go to such detail to convince someone of his lie about playing football 32 years ago?
I planned a Christmas dinner with my dear friend. At that point, it was a rare occurrence to be away from him; it was just dinner. She is married. He was recruiting her to work for him and we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. As I was getting ready, he also was getting ready. Confused, I asked what he had planned. He hadn’t mentioned anything. “If you are going out, I am going out”. In the confusion, I said, “Who are you meeting?”
He said, “I am meeting my attorney or my brother”. A few minutes later, he was meeting his franchisee instead. Mirroring my behavior, he was scrambling for plans. I made it home and texted him to see how his night was going. I received this photo in response. The next day I asked how the franchisee was doing. He responded, “oh he didn’t come, I sat there by myself”. I was so confused. Omission. He said he wanted honesty, vulnerability, and communication. It was all projection. Why wouldn't you call or come home knowing I was there? Why wouldn't you invite me for a drink? There were so many other options, why lie? I know now, it was to keep me guessing.
He would often take my phone in the middle of the night. I didn't switch my code because I had nothing to hide from him. He would take it from my nightstand and go through it. One particular night I woke up and it wasn't on the nightstand. I went out to the kitchen and asked if he had it, he said no, but he would help me look for it. I tore the bed apart in the bedroom while he was on his knees looking under the nightstand and the bed. Intuitively, I knew he had it or hid it. I knew where I had put it before closing my eyes. From the corner of my eye, I saw him throw it at the end of the bed in the covers I had torn off. He denied it. I asked why he would lead me to believe I was crazy. I knew he had it. I didn't even attempt to keep him from it, he had my passcode and I always assured him I would give it to him at any point he asked. It was the sneaking and secrecy that activated my nervous system. It was the first time I consciously realized I was being gaslit. I could feel the internal tremors. Who is this man? Finally, after about 30 min of me getting emotional and demanding why he lied, he said it was because he felt ashamed he had it in the first place.
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