Addicted?

It is fact, narcissism comes with addictions. Some experts say there are at least 3 addictions for every Narc. Why do they have addictions? Because they cannot process shame. They run from their shame and try to fill the void of emotion with anything that looks like it will do the job. Narcissists can be impulsive. In any moment of feeling shame, they will immediately deflect to the next nearest thing to avoid the shame. I can see it clearly now. It’s also why I joined Al-anon. I could see his dependence, it began to really bother me. What I didn’t know was his gaslighting and dependence were in fact just a few parts of the entire group of covert narcissist personality disorder traits. It is important to note, not all addicts are narcissists. But every narcissist has multiple addictions.

In my empathetic mind, I compartmentalized the household chaos, the marijuana, and the family dysfunction as separate challenges. His love-bombing smoothed everything over to help compartmentalize, it's part of the grooming or love-bombing stage. I saw the good in him because I see the good in most people. I saw the struggle of a single Dad. I saw his battles of insecurity. I heard the cry for help. I know now, they are not compartmentalized. They are all part of the narcissism package.

I understand the science and medical benefits of weed and the large majority of users are super chill with it. There’s another darker side that few talk about, paranoia. I have taken gummies to help me sleep and with anxiety. Not regularly and not preferably. I’ve also had a one-time experience of paranoia with it. What felt like an eternity was real and it was frightening. My firm belief is emotionally numbing out is not sustainable. Reality and emotions have a way of always finding the surface. I have since learned, the dark side of weed becomes dangerous when being used for emotional regulation and daily coping. I witnessed it firsthand in that house. There are only a few studies on the effects of marijuana and narcissism. From my direct experience, it affects narcissists differently than others.

Bob

I am an Integrative Wellness Coach, I graduated from Duke Integrative Medicine. I teach from the perspective your mind and your inner world cannot be aligned without a tidy space to live in. I looked around the Narc’s house. There were 3 big dogs in the house and left for periods of time without a consistent schedule. His teenage son was not in a space to have the responsibility of such a huge house on his own, plus 3 dogs. Home projects were started and left undone. The garage and barn were chaotic. Inside each car was chaos. The pool was green with algae. Stuff was literally everywhere. He blamed the stuff on his Dad, who had just moved out, and his son. He was simply too busy running his company and being a single Dad to deal with any of it. I organized and decluttered as much as possible in those first few weeks. I hung pictures on the wall. He agreed to clean up the basement where his son's room was located. I took his daughter shopping for curtains and picture frames for her room. We opened mail from 1999. Mind you, this was in 2021. I laughed at the time and compartmentalized it.

The Narc asked me to help create stability for his emotional son who would scream at him “I need structure”. I only had the Narc’s side of the story. I took pause when the son’s girlfriend would nearly beg the Narc to discipline his son. The Narc’s house was physically and emotionally chaotic which led his son to punch holes in the wall. His son would lash out at me for helping him or doing things for him “wrong” or he wanted his Dad to be the one doing it. I sat down and explained it doesn’t feel good to be yelled at when I am trying to help and in a moment of connection his son explained “I actually like you, I sometimes say things I don’t mean because I get so upset”. I knew he was a good soul, he was confused and begging for structure in a chaotic family situation. I bought into the narc’s narrative, it was all his ex-wife’s fault. Covert narcissism was unknown and difficult to navigate at 40, my heart breaks for a teenager trying to cope with the same.

In March, the Narc found weed in the car his son was driving. The Narc acted shocked. When we first met, he said he had to hide his smoking from his ex-girlfriend and son for years. He claimed he was smoking only out of a hitter and getting weed from his street guy when he could hide it. When approached, his son explained to his Dad he was getting his weed from someone on Snapchat. I showed him a story of the same thing happening, however, the teen died because it was laced with fentanyl. The concerns were piling up. Can you help him find a different coping method? Can you explain to him he can’t be driving with it? Can you talk to him? Does he have a counselor? It was all concerning. Instead of parenting, the Narc now had a smoking buddy.

He was so confident in not hiding who he was, he let his daughter know he smoked just a few months later when she was 14. It's just who he is, he's done it his whole life, and that was that. She hated the smell of smoke and if it wasn't weed, it was cigarettes. The cigarettes he claimed he never smoked before the stress I caused him. His brother and ex-partners say otherwise. My earliest memories are of throwing my Dad's cigarettes out the window while he was driving down the road. I would beg him to quit. I empathized with his daughter and advocated for him not to smoke around her or me. Just because he's open about it, doesn't mean she's ready to cope with it. He hid it from his son until he was 17, his daughter? 14 was good. He would follow up with the justification "at least it's not alcohol" as if it was better or less chaotic. It was full steam ahead.

Next Level

Driving to Illinois where my businesses were became convenient in the beginning. Weed was legal for recreational users and so began the Narc on his quest to find the strain with the highest percentage of THC. Looking back and after studying dependence and addictions, this is where he was rewarding or playing catch-up with his substance. He said he felt “free”, he no longer had to worry about hiding smoking around anyone. There was a store. Not some dude he had to find. He could finally be himself. For his 50th birthday in April, his son gifted him a bong. Everything changed. Instead of a hitter, they now smoked out of bongs together in the kitchen. I have no issue with weed in moderation. I tried a few hits out of the bong, my lungs were on fire, and I couldn't handle it. I would sit and watch them hotbox the kitchen. I am not a parent, but nothing about it was parenting. It was only later that I realized the Narc could finally relate to his son. “Bob the Bong” was born.

“Bob” went everywhere with him. He would drive down the road with it, even with my friend whom he hired during a blizzard. I think he assumed because she was my friend, it was safe

to be himself. She quit after 4 days as it gave her anxiety to be in the vehicle with him and a bong. It was his good morning ritual and his late-night “reward”. It was his lunch break and preparation for meetings. In a few moments of what I believe to have been vulnerable breakthroughs, the Narc shared “There’s no amount of weed to dull my pain” and “I have almost 18 years of anger and resentment to pack up and sort through”. Both after episodes where he accused me of his infidelities, I had hit an emotional breaking point. It took extreme reactions for him to seemingly find a pause in reality and self-reflect. It never lasted. They were just words he thought I wanted to hear and breadcrumb me back in. I took this picture because Fender, my cat, was getting comfortable enough that he wanted to hang out while the Narc worked late at night. It just happen to be a normal night in the daily chaos, Bob was always there.

The progression only got worse as the usage increased. We couldn’t fly anywhere, we had to drive to Florida, Texas, and New York. He drove to Colorado, Chicago, and Indianapolis so he could have his bong. After his Word Salad on NYE, we were supposed to drive to FL to meet all of his brothers. Last minute, he said he didn’t want to go. His son had already left and the others were there. After some coercing on my part, trying to cover up the dysfunction that I just lived through, we drove. It was New Year's Day and the dispensary was closed. He didn’t have enough weed to make it through the trip. In the hills of Tennessee, he was crying so hard he was snot bubbling about how he couldn’t go this long without weed. His cousin lived in FL where it's medically legal. He reached out to him at daylight and thankfully, he could provide enough for the trip. I say thankfully because it was nearly unbearable to witness the breakdown over weed at 5 AM in Tennessee. I pointed out it was seemingly getting worse coupled with his paranoia. His response “How long do I have to stop to convince you I’m not addicted, is 7 days enough?”. It was hopeless.

Another evening, he asked me to cook. No problem, he did a lot of the cooking and I was happy to be contributing. As soon as I began prepping food, he opened the door and said "I'll be back" and left down the driveway. I was so upset. Why would he leave when I was making dinner? After he specifically asked me to make dinner? 1 hour and 18 minutes later, I ate dinner by myself, cleaned up, and was sitting in the kitchen. I was furious, sad, and desperate for an answer watching the clock and hanging with the dogs. He walked in with 5 bongs. He justified he was going to be using them for decoration around the house. He then justified they were so he and his son no longer argued about who had what and had all the extras for a better bong pull.

On the trip back from NYC, we made it back around 7 PM. I immediately began working to check mail, water plants, unpack, and find quiet. I was outside watering plants when I look in, he was hitting the bong with his son's girlfriend and her friend. A 50-year-old man and 2 teenage girls. He didn't offer to help his wife, he didn't offer gratitude. I was beside myself. He could hang out and pull bongs with his son and all of his friends, which he did, but projected that I cheated on him with one of them. The projection, gaslighting, paranoia, and hypocrisy he created were intense. He made some empty apology. When wondering why I don't feel like myself which is motivated, inspired, and energized, I can read my words and know all of this left me in a pit of utter exhaustion. 6 months out, I know I was simply surviving in his orchestrated daily chaos.