Something rarely talked about or even known about, unless you’ve been in a relationship with a Narc, is psychosexual abuse. We often say we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Some of us don't want to know. Some of us want to know so we can pass judgment and feel better about ourselves. Some of us want to know and then contemplate W...T...F... Some of us want to turn a blind eye and blame the survivor. As survivors, we sometimes deny our own reality because it's "too much". We lie to ourselves, it's not that bad. (Empaths have an amazing survival skill to adapt to extreme realities). Sharing with someone feels like it is too much. It's too much for our own nervous system, hence, hyper-vigilance, low-self esteem, lack of self-trust, and keeping it behind closed doors. Coupled with the other chaos we are living through, it's a lot. I've learned a few want to know what goes on behind closed doors so they can be informed and hold space for healing. In this post, I open the door for that invite. Through emotional processing, healing, and daily work to get to this point, I carry no shame for his repeated patterns. This post is raw and vulnerable. This was my reality due to his repeated abusive choices. I've learned, I am not alone.
Psychosexual Abuse
Psychosexual abuse is very much one of his control tactics. Prior to the Narc, I had only ever been inside an adult store one time for a bachelorette party. With him, it was almost an immediate introduction to the relationship. I said I was certainly willing to explore, but made it abundantly clear this was all new to me. He said it wasn’t important to him, a relationship and marriage are about more than sex. Somehow, he always brought it up. His world revolved around sex.
I couldn’t pinpoint my thoughts as they began to swirl. After we married, I began to feel used, confused, and emotionally unsafe. There were fewer and fewer times I felt blissful, connected, and held by him. I had little idea of how much psychological damage he had done when he repeated "he wanted to watch me get fcuked". After 2 months of hearing this and after he gave me the word salad letter, I decided to tell his brother this fantasy of his, and he talked to him. Only then did it stop.
I openly refused what he was telling me, which is what I needed in terms of sex - you need something bigger, you need more, you need to feel full. I would disagree with what he was telling me and nearly argue. He persisted I was unsatisfied with him. I would throw caution and refuse what he wanted to use, which he referred to as weapons. I didn’t need what he said I needed. I know now, this was all control and manipulation through sex. Also known as psychosexual abuse. He would often gaslight these conversations with “it’s not important, I just want a simple life”, to which I would respond “why did you bring it up then?”. These “weapons”, the dominance, and the triangulation of it all was insidious. It didn’t come all at once. It didn’t happen overnight. I can see it now, the mirrored intimacy stopped immediately after we got married. He had conquered me and trapped me. That was all he needed for his supply. Narcissists are incapable of real connection. They use sex as a control tactic to feel superior over their supply. Once the love-bombing stage is over, sex is an act of control and devaluation.
Slow and Insidious
He had insecurities. He wouldn't admit it to me, however, his words made it clear. In his passing comments, his belly was too big, his cock was too small, and he was too short, the shortest of his brothers. His claims were “if my cock was another 2 inches longer, I would probably be dead by now” and he shared he once had sex with 5 girls in one day at SIU-C. They would have contests to see who could last the longest. He twisted reality and manipulated me into thinking he had grown out of that desire or need. All insecurities. I empathized. I assured him, I had had my sculpted partner, and I wanted connection, family, and tenderness more than anything physical.
Working with/for the Narc, sex always came up in the day. His company logo is a phallic symbol. Funny, until it's not. One September day, he had his attorney and a few executives to the house for a big opportunity that came his way. It was an all-day work session. We were outside, on the porch at a table right by our bedroom window. Early in the day the Narc asked me to come inside and told me he wanted to have sex right now. I refused for obvious reasons. Co-workers were sitting right outside. I had to explain there was no way that was going to happen. Fast forward a few hours, and I was sitting in a chair with my legs underneath me. Not uncommon for me in an uncomfortable chair. Admittedly, I had forgotten it was a “professional” setting as it was at home and the activities that were happening around me. I was asked by the Narc to come inside the bedroom. He lectured me on how unprofessional my body language was sitting like that. “Unprofessional?!?”, I hissed back at him. He was pulling bongs with his COO at the exact same table. His attorney had a cocktail in front of him. But it was my legs underneath me that resulted in a lecture of being unprofessional. His psychological and emotional abuse had no limits.
When the small town media company I introduced him to was seemingly dissolving because the owner had cameras up in the office “perk” massage room, the Narc was dead set on buying the company. He kept repeating “I have to strike while the iron is hot”. I only know bits and pieces of the story, from what I understand, the previous owner was filming his employees receiving massages and in the changing rooms. The Narc knew this team would be prime supply. They were in a vulnerable phase of healing. He barely knew them, he had only worked with them for 4 months, he didn’t care to see the business books or if they made money, he just needed to strike while the iron was hot. Shortly after, in what was his fantasy coming to the surface, he said we could put a camera in our shower and live stream me. I realize now, he didn't view me as his wife, I was his possession. He was getting inspiration from the other guy. He needed to "buy" that company to come in as the hero and superior to the other "owner".
Another time, he had his brother over for work. Usually, after his kids went to bed, his brother would come out late. His brother arrived and I was going to bed. Instead of letting me sleep, the Narc demanded sex right then. It wasn't all verbal. He closed the door and came at me as he usually did "rubbing his cock". I could hear his brother coming in and out of the garage door and just to shut him up, I said fine. It was power, and control, it was about superiority.
It took me until now to understand psychosexual abuse. I couldn’t make sense of why he came flying through the door shortly after 8 AM (making the one-way, 5-hour drive to and from Chicago in 12 hours and missing 3 days of planned meetings), tearing off his clothes and demanding sex because his rehearsed narrative was that I slept with his son’s friend. Shocked doesn’t begin to describe my reaction to the manic and naked person in front of me throwing devaluing false accusations. Why would you want me if you say I cheated on you? I was so confused, I exploded. See posts "Bewildered" & "It's a Pattern".
His game was to talk dirty. I have no judgment, it was interesting to hear his imagination. However, I'm checked out when that dirty talk turns into consistent visuals that don't feel safe and my "no" isn't respected. After we got married, and after we had sex, he had a pattern of devaluing me if not immediately, within 24 hours. Consistently. He would bring up someone else with a narrated story I was lusting after, the waiter, the guy in a crowd, the 18-yr old, anyone he could spin into the narrative. He would call me provocative and he would repeat past narratives. It would all result in me defending myself, I am not the whore you paint me to be. Slowly, with small acts and breadcrumbs between to lift me up, his words were tearing me down. It didn’t feel good to know that what he really wanted was to watch me get raped by an "island boy", as he called him. After catching him with the cleaning lady, I cut him off completely. He then complained he was trapped in a sexless marriage. Rather than profusely apologizing after getting caught, in true Narc form, he became the victim.
He was trapped in a sexless marriage for just over 2 months. We had gone to FL in June, and when we got home he wanted to take me out. There was still chaos, but he was more in his body than what happened in the first 6 months of the year. We went out on a date night, he wanted our barstools to face one another, he wanted to hold my hand, and he wanted to "connect'. I told him one good night isn't going to coerce me to sleep with him. So the next morning, he took another shot, today is a new day, and things are going to be different. I caved. 12 minutes from the time I got up from bed and began tending to the dogs, I hear a motorcycle in the driveway. I ask him "who is it?". He said "oh must be the security people", meaning they were checking on the camera system he installed because it was me he couldn't trust. The security people drove a van. My nervous system was immediately activated, he was lying. The guy on the motorcycle parked, asked if I was Michele, and said "you've been served". With divorce papers in hand, I turned to him and emotionally exploded before the guy even started his bike again. The covert narcissist/sex addict roller coaster was intense. The date the night before was a battle for him. He conquered me once again. I felt used, worthless, and absolutely devastated.
I know now he did this to devalue me. He wanted me to feel inferior. To feel shame. To feel worthless. Because at that point, I would be easier to control. He wanted me to feel guilty about things I never did so he could get his supply, which was my emotional reaction. One of my last in-person conversations with him was telling him how much all of this hurt me. He produced crocodile tears and said, "I never meant to hurt you". I might believe that. However, knowing what I know now. He only wanted his supply, his fix, and his control. He had done all of this before and hurt the ones that came before me. It proves, those who suffered at his expense, didn't matter to him. I also know now, narcissists aren't sorry. Those words are mirrored.
Rumblings
There were rumblings that his long-time employee's wife accused him of inappropriately touching her. He admitted to me the accusation. He glazed over it and assured me it didn't happen, she was exaggerating. She never showed up to dinners to which all other partners were invited. He vaguely admitted to having an affair with a colleague in Guatemala, at the time he was with his ex-wife. Only in the last few weeks did I put the timeline together. Nearly every couple he spoke about in his past friendships, ended in affairs. It was never him though. He was faithful and loyal. I know now, these other affairs he recalled were his confessions.
In talking to his ex-partners, sex is his repeated control tactic in relationships. Getting caught cheating and denying it is in his playbook in every relationship, which is why he projects. We all recalled, he couldn’t go without daily sex, and "weapons" were part of his, what I might call, sex addiction. He did not accept nor respect physical boundaries. Narcissists are not capable of true connections. It's all mirrored until it's controlling. It's an oddly healing moment to sit across the table from his ex-partners and share openly about the trauma and shame of our experiences behind closed doors with The Narc. I'm finding healing and connection with the door open.
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