I was once told by a yoga student “You have a gift of casting a very wide net for others to be their complete self, without judgment”. In this relationship, that gift was weaponized against me. The more he realized he could get away with it, the more he did. My emotional reaction was the supply he needed. This story is an example of what makes a covert/vulnerable narcissist the most dangerous. They are one person to the public and the complete opposite behind closed doors. The general public that knows him, will shake their head in denial. He will use manipulative words, shift blame and incite a smear campaign. To him, the abuse simply didn't happen. He will minimize the situation to "I have trust issues and she is not trustworthy". He might say I'm the one that made this public. Which translates to he didn't expect I would be brave enough to share his abuse. He only wanted to privately torment me with his abusive narrative. Today, I know, his abuse is not my shame to carry. The way he treats others is his choice.
Setting the Stage
When I met him and saw his house he said it was a dream of his to create a space for his son to have friends over. He wanted an inviting and safe space for gatherings. With tears in his eyes, he asked me to help him make his house a home. Of course, I committed myself. We were going to build a life together. The house needed work. It was cluttered, chaotic, and unfinished. There were a lot of unattended maintenance items, empty walls, and unpacked boxes. The dogs went to the bathroom daily in the house because, like other projects, their training was never complete. The space was cold and felt empty. I went to work, cleaning, organizing, and finishing out the house to create that comfortable space. Within a few months, it had come together. Any finished room was immediately occupied by his son & his friends.
His jealousy and paranoia started intermittently. With a single blink, his eyes would visibly flicker into darkness. He had the ability to suck the energy out of any space and me. The first time was when we met 2 other couples for dinner. It was his assistant and her cousin and their respective partners. We had a nice meal, a general get-to-know-each-other type of conversation, and then ended early. As we drove home, he asked where I went. I was taken aback, “What do you mean? I was right beside you”. I had a vivid feeling of the energy being sucked out of the car. He faltered and quickly covered it up with it was him, it was fine. He covered his tracks with love-bombing and shifted the blame to his assistant. She apologized for the uncomfortableness of inviting her cousin to sit with us. Slowly the jealousy and paranoia filtered into our work. And then into our home. Nowhere was safe.
ACT 1
I was out gardening one Fall day, oblivious to who or what was coming and going. He came over and threw accusations of me being provocative to one specific kid. I was confused and bewildered. These are kids. I’m married to you. What could you possibly mean? His target was set. To keep everyone safe, I kept my distance and minimized my presence. I set up those parties he wanted his son to have. Shopped for groceries, cleaned and prepped, then disappeared. He would join the group and smoke bongs with them and serve them food. I would become a ghost. He employed these kids, made promises of wealth and because he didn’t have any friends, used these kids to feel like he did have friends. On Dec 31, in his first dark episode, I walked out of the house in tears. By chance, I met his son in the garage, he asked if I was okay, and I said "your Dad believes I’m in love with your friend". He looked at me and replied, “it’s always like this with him”. I couldn’t make sense of it then, but I can now. He had seen this behavior before.
In Spring, my husband publicly promised a very generous gift to this target’s family to help with a lifetime of expenses of caretaking. He promised to build them a store to care for their disabled son. He paraded his marketing team through their home for videos and social media. He was linking his promise to a company goal of selling 100 stores. It was extremely grandiose. I was wildly confused by his offer. From the outside, it was kind and over-the-top generous. To my knowledge, he had never had dinner or been friendly with this family beyond knowing their eldest son at his house. His employees ran with it and this covert narcissist was glowing with attention and admiration. The more attention he received from them, the less he treated me with respect. His grandiose world was unstoppable. In 1 month he bought the cleaning lady a car, came home with his new car, lavishly flew his “girls”/employees to Vegas, treated them all to spending cash, a concert, and other treats, handed out silver coins to the homeless on the strip, buying tens of thousands of dollars of watches for employees and posting about it on social media. He invited 2 campaigning politicians to the house and gave them massive donations. He spoke of a goal to run for President of the US and inviting Eminem to company parties. All while, he had to quit paying his business partner, who happened to be his own Mother. This covert narcissist went completely unchecked. He was basking in all his narcissist glory.
ACT 2
One night in May, an end-of-school gathering of kids was in the pool house. We had a litter of 8- 6-week old puppies and I was the only caretaker of 11 dogs now in the house. I vividly remember saying good night to him out on the balcony. His presence felt like a void, his energy was like a vacuum and I could see the reptilian darkness in his eyes. I went to bed at 10:40 PM. Like clockwork, I woke up with puppies at 5:45 AM and found my husband wandering the house completely nude. He was confused about why I was awake, I was confused why he had no clothes on. Were the kids here? He explained he just wanted to help me with the puppies. I was too perplexed to argue anything. It was early. It was clear he hadn’t slept. I dismissed everything and carried on.
We had his daughter's confirmation that morning. He showed up as a caring father and kind husband. After all, we were in church. After he needed to drive to Chicago for a 3-day business trip. I was relieved with the idea of space to relax, train the puppies, sleep through the night and simply breathe. He left at 8 PM Sunday evening to Chicago, a 5-hour drive. By 8 AM Monday morning, he came flying through our bedroom door. He threw himself on me and demanded sex. He said he had planted listening devices in the house Saturday night and was adamant he had caught someone having sex in the living room. I was the only female in the house that night and his narrative was set. I was witnessing, what I believe to be, a psychotic breakdown. His sense of reality was so distorted, so warped, he said he had already sent his audio files to a forensic detective in Atlanta, GA to prove it was my voice on his files. He said he could hear me snapping a blanket down on the living room floor and hear my voice saying "F*uck me harder". He was manic. He demanded I admit my infidelity.
I raged. He had just assassinated my character and my integrity. I immediately pointed out the absolute gaps in his logic. It was fruitless, he believed his lies. He was simply projecting his shame and dark shadows of his own infidelity. His unprocessed guilt was coming at me like daggers to my soul. I demanded he asks his son and his friends. He agreed. His son once asleep, now awakened by the argument, agreed to ask his friend who had been passed out in the basement. Bewildered. Confused. Perplexed. Hurt. Disappointment. Sadness. It was all on his son’s face. I was shaking, loud, and angry. His son was clutching his father’s computer protecting “the evidence”. It was a very dark moment.
His motive became clear. He said, “now I’m going to have to tell them I can’t build them a store because their son slept with my wife”. He knew he would never live up to his grandiose and generous promise of a lifetime of caretaking. An ah-ha moment for me. He over-promised and didn’t ever have the ability to deliver. The momentary admiration had worn off and the reality was he was going to have to live up to his words. Unless he could find a way out of it. And he did just that, he created one. Legally, it would be the exploitation of a disabled child for financial gain, but expensive and hard to prove. Nothing was in writing.
To try to get ahead of the wreckage, I reached out to the kid’s Mom to explain the situation and state my innocence. I had never met this family. Her social media page was faith-based and about family values. As someone with respect and compassion, I knew if an adult was going to approach a child with such an accusation, the parents should know. The Mom was horrified. She went immediately to her son, he denied the accusation. She messaged me back and said, “absolutely not him”. Yes, of course. However, what came next was beyond my understanding. My husband had called the Mom and perpetuated his narrative and with whatever lies he planted, she came back at me with vengeance. Throwing demeaning, devaluing, and manipulative words out to me on messenger. She demanded the audio files. My husband had manipulated her to believe his narrative and couldn’t send her the files because they were too big. But, somehow, had already sent them to the detective.
I tried logic. I explained his plan was the exploitation of a vulnerable person for financial gain. His son asked his friend and believed his friend's denial of the accusation. His son explained to his Dad nothing happened that night. I pointed out he would sever his relationship with his son by repeatedly bringing this up. It was emotional abuse to him, to me, to the family, and to this entire group of kids. Over the next 3 months I remained in the relationship, and he continued on. It wasn’t an IF, it was WHEN would I hear the narrative again and again. Projection, gaslighting, and manipulation snowballed into a weekly, if not daily occurrence. He used my reaction to his abuse as the root of the issue. A shift in blame. It stripped me of self-worth, and confidence and hit every vulnerable emotional wound I had. It was complete insanity. Above all, it was repeated emotional and mental abuse.
ACT 3
Months later, the Mom messaged back. She had noticed he had taken down all the social media regarding his generous promise. She was sorry if she had painted me in a negative light. He had shown his true colors. I’ve learned a narcissists will always reveal themself because they wear an unsustainable mask. Unfortunately, it takes time. In that time, they will suck the life force out of their supply, disappoint with the grandiose empty promises, destroy lives, traumatize the innocent, and dim the light of the world. He had made empty promises to long-time employees. To family. To me. This was his pattern. He doesn't care how his words affect others, he simply needs his supply. A narcissist lacks integrity and empathy.
The day I left, it was because he left me with an ultimatum. Admit my mistake or he had no choice but to divorce me. Today, as if he has suffered amnesia, he claims none of this ever happened. He will say this was all my doing. He says I dragged his son into it and he only meant for this narrative to stay between us. I’m the one that created this situation. He has made my reaction to his abuse the root cause of the situation. Textbook narcissist manipulation.
After speaking with attorneys, it is extremely difficult and expensive to convict a narcissist in a court of law. Narcissists are masterful at manipulation, their flying monkeys (ones who can't see through them or only sees 1 side of them) will protect them. Narcissists know how to cover their tracks, not put things in writing, and are skillful at creating an illusion to confuse others' grip on reality. The general population is not trauma-informed. Logic says I had 2 legs to walk away at any point in time. I have built my life because I am smart, confident, and independent. However, it was his constant manipulation, breadcrumbing, and gaslighting that mentally told me I couldn’t leave. I was trapped in an invisible prison cell.
After speaking with Jen, I found out he had used a similar narrative with the same surveillance files and used the same line of a forensic detective in Atlanta, GA on her. After speaking with Nikki, I found he used the same surveillance devices and used the same line of a forensic detective on her. I shared the same with his brother who confronted him with my findings. Narcissists do not like being confronted or called out. So in a true covert/vulnerable narcissist form, he texted me, simply to call me pathetic and sad. Fear, shame, and paranoia run thicker than blood through his veins.
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