A narc thinks and lives in 2 colors. Black & White. That’s it. You either “are” or you “aren’t”. Once you are deemed “are” or “aren’t” by the narc, it becomes a fact in their world. For example, “You are a terrible business person”, “You aren’t loyal”, “You are lazy”, “You are being provocative”, and “You are lying”. There is no room for redeeming qualities, that statement becomes a fact of who you are. It's always or never in their mind. Their feelings become facts that are spun into a narrative. The narc repeats this narrative to their flying monkeys and anyone willing to listen. The narrative is their weapon, also known as a smear campaign. It is used to devalue their supply. In a narc’s world, two truths can never coexist. An in-between gray world can not exist, ever.
Covert narcs think in extremes and it can change in a blink of an eye. This black & white thinking in the psychological world is known as “splitting”. It is a childhood coping or defense mechanism to unmet needs. With narcissism, the love-bombing and devaluing stage represent their black & white thinking or splitting. The speed at which they can switch leaves the survivor in utter confusion, severely impacting their emotional and psychological health for years to come. This black & white coping mechanism is the narc's way to gain control or feel control over people, places, and things. Ultimately, it is a fear-based and limited belief system. While with the narc, I exhausted myself physically, emotionally and energetically arguing against his black and white claims.
Shades of Gray
Navigating emotional tidal waves, Narc PTSD, and caring concerns from loved ones reverberate throughout my days. While less intense, it is sometimes too much in a single moment. I go into freeze mode and feel completely fatigued. I think what we don’t talk about enough is the utter exhaustion survivors have after successfully surviving the narc abuse. I knew I didn’t have the energy to remodel a house and yet, buying a house in one of the worst housing markets in over a decade, I found myself with a decision; a house that needed some work or a lot of work.
The house I purchased was a reaction to my question “Now what” and a pressurizing expectation from my family that I needed to move on. The house was a foil-wrapped turd. It had good bones. It needed updating, I could see that. A few walls gone, updated kitchen & bath & it could be amazing. And then once I got in, it needed all new electrical and plumbing. This past 30 days I have been fatigued beyond words in making decisions, navigating the emotions, and managing the surprises.
The financial abuse followed me into buying a house. I was denied the ability to take out a home loan independently. Initially, I was told cash in hand and a stellar credit score wasn't going to be enough. I needed to get a full-time W-2 job or a co-sign from my Dad. Why? Because I was a 9-year entrepreneur and my previous tax return showed a complete loss on a business. (On paper that looks really bad.) Why did my business close? How do I explain to the bank and its auditors that I trusted AND married a covert narcissistic businessman and trusted him with my small businesses? And then he tore apart my building, spent all the money, and closed them. While he is continuing in his life as if nothing happened, I am now 11 months out from leaving still piecing together what’s left of mine.
After my loan was initially declined, I went into financial strategy mode. I found a way to buy on my own and while it’s not what I wanted or where I wanted, it’s a step into freedom and rebuilding my financial freedom. The house is smaller than my previous houses, it is a project and an opportunity to rebuild my confidence in my visions and decisions. Prior to this house, I had redone 4 houses and a 12,000 sq foot building. I use to love it. With this house, I am ripping out everything that had been covered up. While it's been therapeutic, I am in decision fatigue. The enjoyment factor is now simply survival.
Art imitates life. While some tell me the shades of gray are on the downtrend, I'm drawn to the shades of gray tile, flooring, and walls. Learning to live in the gray world has been constant work after living in the narc's black & white world. Living in the gray is learning to live in the uncertainties of any situation, learning to explore the unknown with curiosity, and it means having faith over fear. Narcissism at its core is an inability to cope with deep-rooted fear and insecurity, that's why they use black & white thinking. I prefer gray. I prefer faith over fear. In the end, it's going to be better than okay. Even through my exhaustion, I can find the therapeutic elements to rebuild. Freedom from fear because I choose faith.
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