Why does a narcissist block someone? Simple, the answer is it is a form of punishment for not serving them. With a covert narcissist, a narc covertly works to position themselves in the relationship as superior, they covertly work to gain control over the person's thoughts, ideas, emotions, and actions. It's a subtle manipulation. Once the person has made a move to not serve the narc’s world, they are abolished, exiled, or blocked. Once blocked, the covert narc can spin a narrative to their supply and flying monkeys about how crazy the person is and how much of a victim they are in the relationship (smear campaigning). It’s much easier to control their new supply and sell their narrative when the other person is blocked on social media, phone, and daily life.
The fear of being outed is too much for the covert narc. The moment they’ve realized they’ve lost control over someone, the only answer in a narc brain is they must be blocked. Katie, the narc’s sister, began connecting the dots through his past relationships and made her own conclusions through research and education. She was no different than the others in the narc’s life, he had manipulated and gaslit her in every romantic relationship. The very day he caught word of her planning to visit me, he sent the text message and she was blocked. Selectively forgetting he had told her 10 months earlier it was okay to remain friends with me. He didn't mean those words, they were just part of his "nice guy" narrative. Blocking her was her punishment.
Connecting the Dots
In every romantic relationship, he had triangulated Katie to serve his narratives. Why not his other sister? I believe, he intuitively knew she is a master at gray rocking (not responding to his narratives), she wasn’t enough supply for him. Katie, with her willingness to be involved, to try to help, and her desire to be involved in her nephew & niece's life were enough to be a green light for the narc to know she could be his supply. There were very few (if any) attempts for him to check in with her general well-being or her daily life in between his dramatic narratives. He called when he needed something; a babysitter, a place for his son to go so he could go on vacation, a relationship referee he could manipulate, or general supply.
During Katie's freshman year of college, she lived with him & Nikki. It was his idea. She would be able to spend time with her nephew, she could earn money by babysitting her nephew, go to school, and move to a new state. Sounded like a great idea. There are a few situations that now stand out to her as manipulation. One day he accused her of stealing from them. He went through her bathroom looking for anything that might look like theirs. He found Crest Whitestrips. He accused her of stealing those from their bathroom. In reality, Nikki had given them to her. Looking back, she can see how at this moment he was looking for something, anything to devalue her. Until the larger picture was painted, she pushed this to the side because it was a small moment. Some 17 years later, she still remembers defending herself and trying to convince him she was not a thief of Crest Whitestrips. Narcs often leave people feeling awful about themselves without knowing why. With the Crest strips, he attempted to pit Nikki against Katie.
Another triangle with Jen while in Denver. After the narc's & Jen's blow-up in Denver, why wouldn't the narc go get another hotel room, a cab, or a walk to cool down? This is the man who paid for 2 hotel rooms in Turks & Caicos. Instead, in true narc form, he last minute called his sister to pick him up and console him. Jen's reaction to his psychological abuse became the issue. He needed supply. With empathy, Katie listened to him. He was attempting to pit Katie against Jen with a smear campaign & illicit empathy because he was a victim. Katie recalls, when he had told her he was coming to Denver because of her work conference she thought it was so sweet of him to support her.
I texted Jen to ask her for the memory of the Denver drama. Below is Jen's words.
Yes! I don’t remember the specifics of that trip but we took our golf clubs planning on golfing while there. I think I drove because he didn’t have a car, or we rented one to drive there. Therefore he called Katie to take him to the airport after I told him to get out when he brought up the (forensic detective in Atlanta) lab report on my underwear that he claimed to have sent off to be analyzed. He ended up renting a car at the airport but then coming back downtown and getting his own room. I remember turning my phone off vowing not to wait for his call. Of course, I caved and sure enough, we ended up talking later that night. We returned one of the cars to the rental the next day and went golfing. Like nothing happened. Go figure!
Ah-Ha moment
The narc kept Katie at arm's distance and then would hoover her back in. He bought her loyalty. It's a move he consistently makes with flying monkeys. When she visited us for the holidays in Dec '21, he insisted he was going to purchase a new laptop for her. He knew what he was about to do to me in the weeks to follow. He needed Katie's loyalty to prove I was the crazy one.
In March ‘22 in the darkest void of narcissism or perhaps you might say the height of his grandiosity he left to drive to Denver to recruit his first President. His youngest sister just had a baby, so he made sure to tell everyone he was going to meet his new niece. He told me I couldn’t go. Covertly, he was newly in love with the cleaning lady, she was driving the new car he purchased for her, he just came from Vegas where he purchased 3 expensive watches to spite his former employer's Rolex watches. He “treated” his work girls to a concert, dinner, and spending cash. In Narcland, he was big pimpin'. Gloating in adoration from everyone around him. He was listening to Roy Jones's “Can’t Be Touched” on repeat ad nauseum at all hours of the day. Meanwhile, while he took off to Denver, I was in 5 Alanon meetings a day on Zoom. It was my only thread of sanity and survival. In reality, he wouldn’t have ever made that trip had it not been to recruit his first ever President.
A few weeks after this Denver trip, I pulled him from the hotel room. I shared the hotel situation with Katie. In sharing I found out through Katie, just before he sent this picture, he was sharing his excitement about the meeting of his company President with a woman on the phone. Before hanging up, he told her “I love you”. Katie asked, “Oh, was that Michele?”. The narc completely ignored her question. Katie then asked “Was that Jack”. And the Narc ignored her question and then told her where to park the car for dinner. And only after she parked, did he say he was going to get divorced, she could remain friends with me, I was a “good” person, just not right for him. She said, “Oh, but wait, I like her, why are you getting divorced?”. He explained, “Michele doesn’t trust me and you have to have trust in a marriage.” He never directly answered who was on the phone. Not answering a question directly is subtle manipulation. He was so brazen at that time, he spoke and said "I love you" to the cleaning lady in the car with Katie.
At this restaurant, he was talking to the couple next to him at the bar. He was trying to counsel the gentleman about how his girlfriend was being too friendly with the bartender. He said, “You don’t have to put up with that”. He pointed out how disrespectful this girlfriend was being. He was lecturing her about how important it is to trust in a relationship. He was trying to police everyone else’s behavior when he couldn’t control his own. Then he began sharing about his expensive new watch. Katie observed all of this and wondered if something was off.
Manipulation, Gaslighting, Smear Campaign = Psychological Abuse
I didn’t hear from him once during the Vegas trip. During this trip, I needed his SSN to add
to an insurance policy of mine. He texted it to me knowing what it was for, meanwhile explaining to his sister he was getting divorced. I sent a message in response to the SSN updating him on what I was doing for his family. Proof I wasn't with anyone else. In response, he deflects his shame with a photo. He expresses no gratitude and meanwhile, he is saying "I love you" to the cleaning lady. This picture and conversation are what psychological abuse looks and sounds like. Seemingly small in the moment, I can now see he was gaining supply. Admiration from his sister for dinner, the cleaning lady, and his wife was taking care of his kid and helping his brother. His needs were being served.
He later triangulated Katie into my gym clothes <read post-Wardrobe Control> and our communication. She suggested Imago Relationship Therapy. From what I remember there were 10 online sessions, he made it through two. He then became too busy to finish at any time of the day. I tried to get him to sit down and work on communication, I tried to print out the lessons and read to him. Nothing worked. I know how it's because you cannot fix narcissism. I know now, he never was interested and this was just part of his narrative to his sister to say “See, I tried”.
In the text message to her, the narc wrote, "I'll never introduce or involve you in any future relationships in my life" - that was his realization, she had connected the dots, his covert ways had been outed and she was no longer going to serve him.
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