Clutching tightly, you used my body, my mind, and my light. I mistook it for the safety and protection I craved. You held cognitive empathy long enough to listen to my grief, my hopes, and my dreams. Unbeknownst to me, they all fell into the pit of your dark heart. Using a love bomb, you spread dopamine over my sadness, temporarily washing away my grief. Affection, words, time, lavish gifts, and a thin facade of friends and family spun me off my feet. Is this love? I had doubts. I questioned, meditated, and spoke to family, questioning his motives. I questioned you along the way, you deflected with more promises, gifts, and more chaos to distract me. Then you wanted to get married. I became a sponge for the unhealed traumas you spewed. I challenged you as I felt my self-worth diminish. My once bright light flickered in your blame, criticism, and judgment. It wasn’t love. You used me as your narcissistic supply. I came ready with love to be a partner, a mother, and a wife. You came with your wallet and destructive patterns. I will always have love, you will never be able to buy your way out of hell. I will heal from the false hope you gave me because the love I have to offer is my gift to the world.
Financial Abuse
The logo illustrates how I felt in the situationship. We got married and you attached me to the back of your car. Unknowingly, I was just along for the ride. I've learned it's a narcissist playbook move to get an empath to commit to them. First, find ways to make the supply dependent upon them and then create utter chaos. Had I left at the height of his financial chaos, I would have walked away with no house, no businesses, no salary and $25,000 in credit card debt, and an oncoming $32,000+ of business bills, some already in collections. I worked to minimize the wreckage by bringing it to his attention. He would gaslight, breadcrumb, and rationalize. I was already in, hoping for the long game.
The lavish gifts, travel, and affection were red flags in the beginning. You calmed my questioning with "you've never dated a guy like me before". You were right, I didn't know narcissism as you existed. A car, a salary, and a ski trip. A brand new X5 that you told my Dad was mine. In reality, it was the company's car. You would say anything to make yourself look good. Next were diamond earrings and then shopping sprees in which you said you didn't like me holding back. All part of your love-bomb.
Dinners out included hundreds in excess tips for the kitchen, the staff would all come show appreciation. Then came remodeling your house that desperately needed it. Remodeling the landscaping. Repeated words of "buy whatever you want, there's more where that came from". A wedding. You wanted to show everyone you were now a family man. You funded a checking account to coerce me to close my business and pay for my living expenses. You paid for architecture plans for my building and purchased 2 commercial buildings next to mine. You even repeatedly talked about your grandiose plans of building an ice rink in my small town. A trip to Vegas and front-row seats to my favorite band. Watches. Talk of grandiosity, being above the law, and ultimately, untouchable. Your anthem, "Can't Be Touched", was by Roy Jones. It didn't stop even with my pleas and voiced concerns. This is not what I came for. I did some estimated math in my head, this doesn't feel sustainable. You inflated yourself "You've never dated a millionaire before".
Then came the frequent trips to the dealership. You gave them a handshake deal, signing of intent and you'll be back in 2 days to pick it up. I offered you had counted your chickens before they hatched. Two days later you called and canceled. Rationalizing to the guy, you would wait a few months and come back to pay cash. Frequent returns were met with eye rolls from the staff. They saw through your words. Sitting at a bar waiting for our table, you opened the conversation with the couple next to us about how expensive your new watch was and how important you were. They intentionally got up to leave the conversation. I remember wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole. Any restaurant we walked into needed your expertise. You could do everything better. You left business cards to help them franchise. The unsolicited calls for attention were never-ending. The more admiration you perceived or received, the more you craved.
Before we were married, I called off 4 debt collectors. You justified you were simply too busy to pay them. After we were married, you met your debit card daily limit and couldn't pay a necessary gas bill for the house. Final notices of bills came through the mail. I added you to my credit card to help remedy the situation. Rarely carrying a balance and with a stellar credit score, it was a way I could contribute to the marriage. You quickly maxed out my card with clothes and frivolous spending and dipped my credit score. For months you only paid the minimum. In one of your rants, you claimed to add you to my card was my way of trying to control your finances. I simply was trying to help you keep the heat on in your house. You wouldn't take responsibility for your financial abuse. I became the root cause of this chaos. It took a year and your brother to step in for you to pay my card off. You instructed your team to close my business. After I left, I had to clean up collections in the business name. You were not interested in feedback or even conversations before decision-making. It was simply your world. I've learned financial abuse is often another way control shows up in a narcissistic relationship. Overspending, withholding, hiding, and ruining credit are all forms of financial abuse. You made sure I was fully dependent before unleashing your tactics. Using company funds to purchase the cleaning lady a car is more abuse. Legally, pinning a narcissist for fraud is nearly impossible.
It's easy to dismiss the little empty promises and grandiose comments. They come sprinkled in with chaos and confusion. Until all these little things come together to paint 1 bigger theme and picture. That "ah-ha" moment comes too late. I soon realized all of your promises were going to come up empty. I heard. you plea with a judge in Aug 2022, your company was experiencing a financial setback and you couldn't afford more child support. I heard you deny to pay for your daughter's therapy sessions. I heard you shift blame to your ex-wife for not having a job, neglecting your daughter, and being selfish. First hand, I saw your spending habits. I couldn't reconcile the two realities. I realize now, you have no family values. You have no honor or integrity to take care of your family first.
My optimism was that you would come around and would treat me like you did strangers. However, I see now you did not have the capacity to stand behind your words or promises to our marriage. You torched a path of financial destruction. The talk of building the dreams I shared with you and a family were all just words to lure me in to feed your drug of choice, and admiration. I admired who you pretended to be in the beginning. In reality, I don't admire you at all. You are consumed with material possessions and your public image to your employees and family. Your true narcissist colors had shown up in technicolor.
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