Consistent and Unresolved Jealousy = Red Flag
Narcissism at its core is a low sense of self-esteem. This makes it extremely easy for jealousy to be an everyday part of a narcissist's life and relationships. Their jealousy is actually covetousness. They want what you have and do not want you to have it, but because they know they cannot have it (friends, relationships, self-care) they destroy, isolate and use it against you. Narcissists do not authentically relate to others, so they can't empathize or see the challenges others face. A narcissist assumes others are as their own narrative makes them out to be. Narcissists can appear to be very arrogant, confident, and self-assured. Their inflated sense of self helps them feel in control and it is a part of their mask. Underneath the mask, is a very fragile self-esteem. This is why they tend to pick strong partners with achievements. They want that for themselves.
The irony is that empaths and narcissist abuse survivors feel sorry for the narcissist for this very reason. They stay in the relationship. Their truth? They want to show the narcissists love. They are unaware of narcissistic tactics. They are unaware of what they are experiencing is abuse. They want to prove their loyalty against the false accusations from narcissists. An empath's superpower is to survive in absolute uncertainty.
Jen's Experience, in her own words, Part 1
As soon as 2 months into dating seriously, I can look back now and see so many red flags I chose to ignore or excuse away.
Sept 2016: We attended a football game with friends. We attended a tailgate and then proceeded to go into the stadium to sit by my friends. I sat down between the Narc and my friend Matt. On the other side of the Narc was my friend Chrissie. I’d known Matt since 2002, sharing many triathlon trips with him and my friends, and I hadn’t seen him in a really long time. I talked with Matt for the first quarter and probably into the second quarter of the game, high-fiving those around me, including the Narc when something exciting happened. The Narc seemed to be enjoying the conversation with Chrissie. A short time later, the Narc and I had our first fight…about Matt. According to the Narc, I was devoting all my attention to Matt during that game, including angling my body toward him so our knees were touching. The Narc felt uncomfortable and he was obviously the only one amongst my friends who didn’t know the true relationship between Matt and me! He did not want to look like a fool. From that day on, from the Narc's perspective, Matt would always be someone I had slept with and a relationship I was not being truthful about. Due to this accusation, I began avoiding Matt at every opportunity, which typically meant avoiding gathering with years’ long friendships, since he was bound to be attending some of the same gatherings as my other friends.
The truth? Matt was like a brother to me. We never had any intimate contact. He had more girl friends than guy friends. Today, Matt is living happily dating a man. My excuse for the Narc? He is overly sensitive to how his partner interacts given he believes his ex-wife cheated on him. Understandable. Yes, I could see how he didn’t want to look a fool. Looking now, a normal response from the Narc would have been to befriend Matt and get to know him to see how harmless he was. All my other friend’s husbands/boyfriends did that and everyone got along and had fun together.
Oct 2016: Another football game, this time was the first outing with his kids. We played Georgia, we sat by no one we knew. The game and evening seemed to go smoothly. I was rather quiet and reserved, not wanting to upset his kids by being too 'girlfriendy'. But once again, I was later accused of constantly making eye contact with a guy in the stands. According to the Narc, he was looking at me too.
The truth? I tend to do a lot of people-watching at a football games. They’re boring. My excuse for the Narc? Okay, maybe he really did think I was looking at someone because I admitted to myself that I was probably watching anything but the football game!
The appropriate response? He could have asked me right then and there WHO I was looking at and if this person kept looking at me, go ask HIM if he knew me. I had no idea who he was talking about. Interestingly, several arguments later, as this mystery man was a common subject for the Narc, he could actually describe the guy and what truck he drove! One time I had a doctor's appointment at MU Hospital and the Narc casually mentioned later on that he saw “that guy” driving by in his truck near the hospital.
Nov 2016: Thanksgiving trip to Omaha with his kids. Overall, I look back at this trip as successful and a good time. We were all sitting around in the living room on Thanksgiving night watching football. His sister-in-law's dad was in the room and seemed like a very nice guy. The next day, the Narc and I were on our way to a yoga class and he says, “Did you see her Father? He was staring at you all night long and taking your picture! He was holding his cell phone making it look like he was looking at it but I saw him taking pictures! What a creep!”
My excuse? I didn’t have one. At this point, I think I was resigned to the Narc's insecurities as being just the way he is.
Dec 2016: We attended a holiday party at my friend Chrissie’s house. Everyone was situated around a kitchen island having a conversation. I talked to Chrissie most of the night who was standing right next to me. At one point, the Narc got up and moved across the room. He was talking to someone but I noticed him constantly looking over at me.
My naïve self thought he was being sweet making sure I knew he was still paying attention to me despite having moved across the room. As we were leaving, I passed someone who looked familiar to me but didn’t know his name. He reached out his hand as I passed to introduce himself. I said hi and introduced myself as Jen Reisdorf. I knew the guy was in the triathlon club but we never had the opportunity to meet. As the Narc and I walked back to the car to leave, he laid into me. “You were looking at him all night long! I can’t believe you introduced yourself with your whole name!” I justified my words and actions by explaining that there is more than one Jennifer in the triathlon club, which is why I introduced myself fully! The Narc insisted the only reason I did it was that I had bigger intentions than just knowing him. I wanted more!
That night was the first major fight I remember shaking with rage. The accusations piled on from Matt, the stadium guy, and a Facebook friend named Warren (the Narc saw a picture I posted from 2014 or 2015 in which I tagged Warren at an ugly Christmas sweater gathering. We took our picture together. Does this mean we dated and had sexual relations???. Every guy in my life was a former sexual partner and I was lying about each and every one of them! I was a liar!
In truth, I hadn’t had sex in 5 years, and had 4 sexual partners my entire life, I told The Narc about each and every one of them and he still didn’t believe me. My excuse for the Narc? Again, he is insecure, his wife cheated on him, and this is just the way he is. In my mind, his potential good qualities at this point outweighed the bad.
The truth? I had no interest in this guy at the party. I was talking to Chrissie and given the angle, everyone was standing in relation to Chrissie, this guy was right behind her in my line of sight. Why did I have to explain that to the Narc! This is so stupid! I was beginning to realize that the Narc was always looking for an opportunity to twist the situation to make me look guilty of something. I was learning that avoiding social situations was probably the easiest thing to do. I would show him I am a loyal, doting girlfriend and allay his insecurities. I just needed time to prove myself.
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