Compartments, by definition, are to create divisions or categories. By psychological definition, it refers to the "division" of certain thoughts and emotions in order to avoid conflicting beliefs and/or mental discomfort. Or as I've written about earlier, cognitive dissonance. As reality balloons into chaos and trauma, narc abuse survivors often mentally and emotionally compartmentalize the narc's words and behaviors. We have to. It's a defense mechanism to preserve our sense of self. Intuitively, we know our nervous systems cannot handle the whole, so we break it down into tidy compartments and store it away. Sometimes our memory tries to wipe our system clean of it so we can continue to survive. After years of narcissistic abuse survivors often have memory lapses or even memory loss.
Clear signs someone is using compartmentalization as a trauma response are:
1. Denying the trauma exists. I did.
2. Rationalizing away or excusing the trauma. I did.
3. Different behavior in different settings and/or with different people (behind closed doors vs in public). I did.
There are situations for healthy compartmentalization. For example, when we need to carry on with our day in a difficult time, think of the a loss of loved one. We know the trauma will eventually need to be dealt with, but we are able to store it and function until we can resolve it. In narcissistic abuse, it is never resolved. The abuse is repetitive and the conversations are circular. While it is a brilliant coping mechanism for survival in extreme living conditions, it can keep us in abusive relationships.
For me, I needed to compartmentalize to keep myself from feeling crazy or preserve my sense of self. I needed to store his breadcrumbs as “good memories” to help rationalize his narcissistic abusive choices. This helped me continue to believe and see the good in him. It helped me survive the dark days. It also kept me from getting angry at how he treated me in those dark days. Not only did I compartmentalize his words, actions, and behaviors, I compartmentalized myself. As I began to feel uncomfortable, hurt, and angry, I would shrink my presence from the day and disappear. I chose not to take up space. I knew how I felt did not matter to him. His dark energy and power were so overwhelming some days, I forgot I mattered at all. That’s the insidious beginning of my isolation.
Overloaded Compartments
Aside from his brother & sister-in-law, I wanted no one to know I was being treated and spoken to the way he did to me. I wanted to hide rather than lie to my family and few friends. In these denial compartments, I stored and suppressed so much anger. I know now, my anger showed up when I knew I deserved better. My anger was appropriate and valid at that time. And as the experts say, those stored compartments will eventually have to be dealt with. Denial can only contain the situation for so long. My stored anger would eventually become explosive. He would shift the blame to make my explosion the issue and I would fill that compartment with shame and store it away. It was a perpetual cycle.
In some compartments, I was taking on the responsibility for cleaning up his repeated abusive choices. Or as I know now, I rationalized to clean up his morally indefensible messes. I tried to cover for his words and behaviors in public. I did what I could to cover him for his kids. I explained away their questions with "he’s going through a lot", "he has a lot of stress on him", "his brain is busy", and "he hasn’t slept in 3 days". I was coaching them through a relationship with a narcissistic abusive parent. They deserve better. I rationalized the day I caught him with the cleaning lady. He was a sick man and deserved some compassion and empathy. I really did feel sorry for him. In reality, how he treated others was rude, and in some cases, absolutely despicable. Narcissistic abuse is indefensible.
I slapped a smile on my face after pulling him from the hotel to pick up his daughter. Another day, he reached for his gun to someone pulling out in front of him at a stoplight a few blocks from picking up his daughter for her graduation lunch. An angry tirade sucked the energy from the truck. As she entered, I slapped a smile on my face and made conversation to try to bring it back to order. Other times, I took her to practice driving when he would stay up all night and sleep until 2 PM. I pretended it was work that was keeping him up. After he fired me, I smiled for the employees he would parade through the house to devalue me when I had to see them. I hosted his potential franchisees and employees at the house as an attentive wife. He would pretend to dote on me and share with them "She's my better half". It's not sustainable to be a different person in different situations. In the end, it was absolutely exhausting to pretend everything was okay.
The Whole Picture
Once I left and began researching Covert Narcissistic Abuse, I knew I had experienced words, behaviors, and actions exactly as they write about in a textbook about covert
narcissism. As I began my healing journey, I had to empty out all the compartments to piece together and integrate them into my reality. Seeing the overall picture I immediately became ashamed. How could I have not known about narcissistic abuse? How could someone be so calculated, manipulative, and evil? I was educated. I was independent. I had asked all the right questions. It wasn't enough. Brainspotting has helped me integrate that reality with compassion.
I know now it was calculated and by design. He needed to keep me guessing. He needed to dictate my reality. I compartmentalized nearly every situation and in doing so it made it easier to believe in the good in him, to trust his words, and ultimately to survive.
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