Narcissists need control over people, places, and things to get their needs met above all else. Nobody else matters. They use a variety of tactics to gain control in a situation and if they can’t feel superior, they will become the victim to gain empathy. To gain control, they will use tactics including manipulation, gaslighting, smear campaigns, and lying, and they will use their own children as pawns to ensure they have control in a divorce situation. They will be inconsistent, make false promises or even withhold court-ordered financial support.
In hindsight, he checked all the boxes. I could feel the despair in Nikki's tone of her written communication to him. I saw what I thought was frustration from him. He couldn't complete his train of thought. He claimed it was PTSD. I know now, it wasn't. It was a narc word salad. He was getting his supply and only acting frustrated to gain empathy from me. In moments where he didn't get his way, it was a monologue of pure rage. I saw and pointed out the inconsistencies in how he communicated with her. I could hear Nikki's pleas for him to follow up on his previous promises. I came from a blended-family situation. I had seen my fill of parents trying to get along and failing. I knew enough from that experience to stay quiet. This was not my battle. Knowing what I know now about narcissism, he was using a vulnerability from my past to gain empathy. He was gaining supply from Nikki. This was all for his personal gain.
Spinning Reality
From day one, he was a victim. His son was abandoned. In his story, he was coerced to move 90 miles away to be closer to his kids because she was moving them away with her fiancé. And then, she didn’t move. According to him, she tore the family apart. He moved because his son was already practicing football at the new school. In reality, he moved knowing she was no longer moving. He moved knowing he could have backed out of the offer he made on the house that needed a complete overhaul as it was a neglected property that had been in foreclosure. He moved, he said, “for his son”, and show he could follow through on his word. He made it believable. However, that was about the only time he followed through on his word and he did so for personal gain.
I often called out that his word lacks integrity. Narcissists don't like to be called out. Looking back, he follows through on his word only when/if it's for his personal gain. Otherwise, his tactic is to create chaos and confusion to keep others guessing. After researching narcissism and speaking to Jen, it is possible he moved for his own selfish covert narc reasons. It is fact, his relationship with her was falling apart due to his persistent narcissistic tactics which had drained his supply. He had made a fool of himself more than once in the town he was living. The dating pool was shrinking. Stories were swirling. He needed an out. He banked on his control over Nikki and forfeited his kids' chance to be together. If that didn't work, he could turn her into the villain, "see, she started it". He moved away from his daughter, leaving his ex-wife his old house, rent-free. He was still paying her alimony and child support. He controlled how much she made and now where she lived. When he needed it, he could spin this narrative and look like a nice guy and a hero.
Creating a Narrative
6 weeks after we met, in March, he began talking about making his old house a rental. I had rentals for 6+ years and he would comment that it was a power-player move. He was in the love-bombing stage, so he had to be like me in order to relate. In order for this to happen, he said he needed his ex-wife and daughter to move out. Originally, a 3-month agreement, it had turned into 1.5 years. His solution? His daughter needed to move in with him after the school year ended and Nikki would have to follow through with her commitment to moving, as she originally intended. Or he would send Nikki a lease and she could pay a set amount every month.
He didn’t want to pay for a lease to be written, so I offered mine to him. He sent it to Nikki without prior discussion with her. Of course, it became an emotionally charged conversation. It was out of nowhere in their line of communication. He would often block her and then unblock her. There was zero consistency from him. His bread-crumbing or hot/cold communication is a control tactic. She thought it was me pushing the situation. This is where he began pitting us against each other. Showing me the emotionally charged words she wrote about me, he saw he could devalue me and prove his narrative to me about her, "See, I told you so".
Nikki would send him a list of home repairs or note the things that needed attention. He would ignore them and not respond because he couldn’t be bothered by her. Or he might tell her to take care of it. Pending the day and mood he was in, it was a way to get supply. The more she “nagged” the more emotional she would become and the more he felt he had control. He would say on repeat, without him, she wouldn’t have a pot to piss in. She’s lazy. She’s crazy and would follow that with a monologue of theatrical rage. I once asked him if he could name a few good traits about her. He point-blank responded, “no”.
In May, without notice, he began to withhold her alimony as "rent". It became a battle that was cringe-worthy. It was daily stress and a no-win situation for anyone involved. Nikki was responding to the financial abuse with reactive abuse. Then he made her reaction to his abusive decision, the issue. In his eyes, his decision to withhold funds was justified because it was his house and he wanted her to move over 90 miles over. It had become burdensome to him to have to drive to pick up his daughter for visits. After I left and as soon as I began to understand narcissistic abuse, I reached out to Nikki with compassion and understanding. I understood her responses were years of survival mode and what the experts refer to as "narc fleas".
Narc Fleas
When you've been conditioned to believe the way the narcissist treats you is normal and expected, you're not going to do research. You're going to assume it's normal and use the same tactics back because your brain is in survival mode. A victim gets narcissistic fleas from being influenced by a narcissist over an extended period of time. In her case, 2 decades.
Changing the Narrative
Personally, I know what my Mom went through and how much she needed child support to take care of us. We were sitting in his truck in his driveway, talking as we often did in the love bombing stage and I explained my point of view. 1. That’s not how rent works, she needs money to pay you, and you can’t withhold from your agreement. 2. You are legally bound to pay her the alimony and child support. And then I offered a possible solution to his inconsistency, and her reactions, and resolve the daily battles. Could you pay her in full for the remainder of the alimony? It would be one less point of contention between them. She then would have a large sum that she could support herself and choose how to allocate it. If she didn’t choose to then pay rent, I had my verdict.
He agreed and ordered his controller to pay her the full sum the next day. And then, to my surprise, he began to sob. I couldn’t place why. I asked if he had the cash. It wasn’t about money. I asked if these were tears of relief. He only responded with, “it’s complicated”. I was confused and lacked understanding. I thought it would have been a welcomed peace offering.
Against his narrative, she began to pay him monthly rent but refused to sign a lease.
In the landlord world, we call that month-to-month leasing. Fair enough. I urged him to take care of the list of home repairs he had left unattended. She held up her end, you have to hold up yours. That's integrity. I know now, narcissists lack and refuse the concept of integrity.
I also know now, those tears he had likely were because he had lost control and the choice of withholding or paying her every month. He lost the opportunity for chaos and the narrative that he was a hero because she was now holding her own. His narrative about her now had gaps. He lost his superiority. He lost a way to devalue her. I’m certain it was complicated for him to try to explain that. Narcissists won't admit what they are doing is wrong, they will be vague, lie, and shift blame to cover up wrong. The effort that goes into their tactics, tells me, they know what they are doing is minimally socially unacceptable, and at max, it is morally wrong.
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