Divorcing a narcissist is only a single step into a lifetime of healing. Co-parenting with the same person you’re healing from creates an abusive complexity that often must be pushed aside to be able to function as a parent. Silently enduring the abuse because to say anything against the narcissistic parent is alienation. The narcissist is also the child's Mom or Dad, so the other parent has empathy for their child and want to offer them as much as possible, even if it means your own emotional distress in some situations. Every child wants to have a relationship with their parent and believe in the good of them. Co-parenting with a narcissist often means the emotional and psychological abuse continues until the child is grown. Parents often fear their own child turning on them because they are being fed a devaluing narrative and are being manipulated by the narcissistic parent.
It is in a narc’s toolbox to create a chaotic narrative and pit people against each other in order to serve their own needs. It doesn’t matter if it's family, employees, or other acquaintances. It is all to serve the narc’s mask and need for supply. It creates counter-parenting.
It happened to Nikki. (See post Family Man) I was in the room when he shared his thoughts with the kids that Nikki was a lazy mother, she didn’t do her part, she abandoned her son, and she had an affair that broke the family apart. He provided no evidence for any of it. I come from divorced parents, neither spoke a negative word about the other to us kids and there was plenty of reason to do so. Teenage kids are not old enough to truly comprehend the deep cut of those words. That’s not how they knew their mother to be and it’s only 1 side to the story. The narc made Nikki’s reactive abuse the issue, just as he did Jen’s and mine. What the narc leaves out is the ongoing psychological and emotional abuse that creates a need for a lifetime of healing. He repeatedly told his son that his mother should have moved the 90 miles to be with him. It was his way to control his son's emotions and feelings towards his mother. His son and Nikki have not had a relationship for nearly 3 years. The narc has himself a bong buddy and is happy to have someone dependent upon him. It is his constant supply.
I learned he told his son in Feb 2022 that he needs to wait to file for divorce because my Mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, 3 days after her sister passed. It was another wave of grief for me. The narc could use that narrative to show he had “empathy” and use the same narrative against me. I had been discarded. At that point his son disregarded me. At the time, I took it personally, I kept asking the narc why his son wouldn’t acknowledge my presence. His narc response was always “I’ve talked to him, I’ve asked, just give it time”. Seemingly, his son had turned on a dime. I know now that dime happened to be put in place by the narc. His son was emotionally distressed from the daily chaos, already pitted against his own mother, and now me. To his kids and ex-wife, he blamed me for all the chaos created and the custody lawsuit. The truth is it was chaotic before I got there. It is still chaotic after I left.
Pick Me
Manipulation is a narcissistic parent tactic. He has little to no interest in his daughter’s life other than to serve his needs to look like a good Dad and a “family man” to anyone who cares to keep up with him. He uses Nikki to create an ongoing narrative to keep his son gaslit and dependent. Narcissists do not love. They will buy love. They will mirror love. They are incapable of loving.
As his daughter is turning 16 in July, his latest narrative to divide and alienate Nikki from her daughter is the triangulation of a car and school. He's made a big grandiose promise of a brand-new car to his daughter. What 16-yr old wouldn’t want to hear those words from her Dad? It is court-ordered in the original divorce document and the temporary order from
the ongoing custody battle that he pays for the kids' schooling. He will tell anyone willing to listen, the original document was “non-modifiable”. Until it serves him to triangulate, manipulate, and build an abusive narrative to alienate Nikki. In reality, her car and school are mutually exclusive.
In a span of a few weeks, he left 2 emails regarding summer school unanswered. He ignores Nikki’s attempt at co-parenting and communication regarding the education of his daughter. Recently, their daughter went for an overnight visit with the narc and this text came back to Nikki “he said he will buy me a car if you pay half of my school”.
Since his daughter was 13, he told me, "I will only buy her a car if she comes and lives with me". Never mind, she was honor roll, working small jobs, and was active in sports. The situation had to serve his needs. I was in the room when he told her those same words. However, he had no issues buying his son 4 cars in 2 years. Rationalized by “He’s had a hard life, his mother abandoned him”. He had no issue buying the cleaning lady a brand new $46,000 car. He had no issue buying my friend who hadn’t even signed an employment contract and had no experience in his industry a brand new X3. She worked for him for 4 days. But now your daughter has to prove her loyalty to you, negotiate her education, and disavow her mother to get a car.
It’s his narc attempt at triangulation, manipulation, and gaslighting. He knows he will pay for both. If for nothing else, to look like the hero. He is creating this narrative to set Nikki up as the bad guy and further his devaluing narrative of her.
She’s 15. She doesn’t understand he’s court-ordered to pay for school. She has no idea he’s manipulating her to get a response from Nikki. She doesn’t understand, this is a psychologically and emotionally abusive parenting tactic. She saw her brother get not 1, but 4 new cars. She knows he has money to spend on his new supply. She hears him say “You got a $1,400 AirBnbB for Christmas”. Well, guess what narc, that wasn’t on her wish list. That was to love-bomb your new supply. This is all to serve you, control Nikki, and fuel your abusive narrative. The message that your daughter only deserves a car if she chooses you over her mother is abusive. The message that she is only worth a new car if she comes to serve you is abuse. Manipulating the situation in her teenage brain and placing Nikki in the hot seat, is abuse. It is court-ordered that you pay for school. You agreed to it. You signed off on it, twice. I’m not saying every child deserves a car. I am pointing out that if one child receives 4 new cars, the other child can reasonably expect the same. Anything less is psychologically abusive parenting. In true narc form, he is pitting 2 people against each other for supply.
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