Narcissist abuse is a choice. They turn their tactics on and off like a light switch. And it goes on, undetected, in the same repeated cycles. I’ve learned even before a narcissist discards their supply, they will move on so they don’t have to process the shame of their abusive choices. They will give this new supply everything the old supply begged for in the relationship in an effort to say "See, it's not me, she was just the wrong one". The love-bomb blinds the new supply. It took me some time to figure out what he was giving her that he couldn’t give me. Then it hit me. He was in Missouri, she was in Florida. He’s giving her space. Autonomy. Freedom. He’s not following, stalking, filming, or tracking her. The only way he could offer this was in a long-distance relationship. He wants his world to see she can do whatever she wants because he isn’t around. This is his way to prove to himself and those who will listen “see, it was Michele that was the one that wasn’t trustworthy and emotional in conversations”. He will omit why I ever became emotional or twist in an unrelated answer. Listen and watch closely to the Narc, the cycles are always predictable.
In a textbook narcissist relationship, the narc will leave their supply in a state of low self-esteem, the supply believes the failure of the relationship is their fault. The discarded supply is left too ashamed to speak out, too confused to know what was real, and too exhausted to defend in the inevitable smear campaign. The narc can continue on, undetected, while the supply is left to piece together their lives and heal. How can anyone in the know of the narcissist sit and let him spew his lies and ruin another light in the world?
His Never Ending Cycle
He had a new supply within a few weeks after I left. Intuitively, I believe he had her on the hook before I left. Most narcs will not leave a supply without the promise of a new one. I left on Sept 05 because he gave me an ultimatum; “admit your mistake or divorce”. The mistake he was referring to was a projection of his infidelity (read post Your Betrayal and Bewildered). I found out a few days after I hired an attorney, he had kept the divorce filing from June even after showing me an email to his attorney he withdrew it on June 22. The first case management meeting for the divorce was set for Sept 26. On Sept 05, he knew he was on a tight timeline and in true narc form shifted blame to avoid telling me the truth.
He also had someone before me. She was the Mom of one of his son's friends. She reached out shortly after we met with a very forward text to him. In an effort to cover his tracks, he made a devaluing remark about her, said she was an old fling, and posted a picture of him & me on social media. I know now I witnessed him discarding her. There was no offer of a closure conversation, no respect given, and she was stonewalled. His past relationship partners before she confirmed his patterns, cycles, and abusive tactics.
Once I identified his narcissist abuse and found he had the same patterns in previous relationships, I wished I had been warned. In narcissist-empath relationship theory, I wouldn’t have believed them. He would have manipulated their stories and I would want to believe him. Maybe that’s true for me. I do know, if I had been warned, I would have been able to recognize the red flags. I would have not blamed and shamed myself in the end. In April, at pick-up for their daughter, Nikki tried to warn me he had thrown me under the bus to her. I was so exhausted and ashamed, I didn’t truly listen. I knew she was telling me the truth. I knew he was lying to me when he denied saying anything to her. I remember telling him I was so emotionally exhausted from his daily chaos and personal crisis, I couldn’t take on defending myself to her. I know now, he had begun his smear campaign. He needed supply, so he hoovered his ex-wife back into his chaos.
Would You Want the Warning?
The differing opinions on warning the next one range from the theory "you can't save everyone" to "do your due diligence in a kind way and let them discern for themselves". I fall under the latter. I believe letting them know offers a path of light to be able to make an informed decision before they blindly offer their loyalty and trust to the narcissist who is covertly working overtime to gain it.
His new supply is a girl he knew from his hometown and reconnected while in Florida. She has her own business. She has 2 kids. Her profile says she enjoys yoga, travel, and adventure. Based on her business, she loves helping people feel good about themselves. Seemingly, an empath and someone I might befriend on a yoga retreat. He certainly knows the sure signs of a good-hearted vulnerable partner. And like a true narcissist, he will dig in, driven by their impulsive need for supply, control, and sex.
He hosted Naomi and her youngest kid for Thanksgiving in an effort to show he is a family man. Meanwhile, his family was gathered in Nebraska. In my last conversation with him, when I asked him about it, he responded: "It's more complicated than that". Yes. Every single relationship you are in is complicated. He is a textbook covert narcissist. Looking for any sign of vulnerability in a person, coercing them to be dependent on him, and then weaponizing their gifts. He is love-bombing her at the expense of his kids' needs. He will do anything for his own gain. Jumping from one to the next, running from himself, proving to anyone who will listen, it’s not him. Offering lines that he just hasn’t found the right one, he wants a quiet life, he only wants to find love. The truth is, he doesn’t know love. Narcissists are not capable of feeling, receiving, or giving love to others. Everyone he keeps around him is for his own benefit. His kids. His family. His employees. He has no friends. Every person around him is taking part in a transaction with a tangible or intangible exchange. Before engaging with anyone, the narcissist will always ask themselves, what can they do for me? For Naomi, she is the new supply and the narc will continue his path of destruction.
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