"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou
You underestimated me. You met me at a low after 3 family deaths, a failed marriage, and taking 3 small businesses through 2020. I was emotionally honest with you. I didn’t know people like you existed, you are a wolf in sheep's clothing. My emotional low was your narcissistic high. You promised to support me, love me, and hold my hand through everything. The stage was set as you began to use my gifts, family, and friends against me. But, you didn’t know who I was before that low moment. I am a self-built, intelligent, and soft-hearted empath. I was confident, resilient, resourceful, and intelligent. I had to shake off your demeaning words, public humiliation, and chaos to remember who I was before I met you. You saw me as a threat so you persistently assassinated my character to lift yourself up. You did your best to minimize me, isolate me, and devalue me. With you, I didn't recognize myself. I had lost my confidence, esteem, and ego. I challenged you, I am not the person that lives in your head. You held control of every aspect of my life, you weren’t going to take my integrity. I will heal because my ability to rebuild and dream does not rely on your approval.
You're Fired.
The devaluing doesn't happen all at once. It's not an obvious "Ah-Ha" moment. It's slow, skillful, and lightly sprinkled into the days. The see-saw between the love bomb and devalue stage of the relationship is nauseating. Narcissists do this to create confusion in order to gain control. It came in waves and sounded like "You couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be me", and then he used me as his emotional sponge, a play on my empathy. "You don't know what it is like being a parent", and he continually told me he needed me to help to care for and stabilize this family and his kids. He trusted no one. Speaking poorly behind people's backs with demeaning words, I had a front-row seat to his devaluing narcissistic mind. The tilt to devaluing must be slow so the narcissist can begin to believe their own lies about their supply. Their slow drip manipulation tactic is so the supply doesn't see through them. Slowly, the see-saw begins to tilt from mostly love-bombing to mostly devaluing.
Once he pried my hands off my businesses by promising a family, he slowly worked to control me as his employee. He named me Chief Marketing Officer. My skill set was not far off, marketing degree, Director of Global Marketing, food experience, and leadership roles. However, I couldn't send an email without him reading it first, no meetings could be initiated or held under my direction, and I couldn't speak to my direct report without him present.
He took or hid my computer when he wasn't around to keep me from working. He gaslit me under words of protection. It was because he was "coaching me" and if a decision didn't work out, he wanted that to be on him, not me. I began doubting my decision-making ability. He spoke highly of himself as a coach, and a counselor and therefore needed to listen in every conversation.
In an effort to control me, he began to recruit my long-time friend from a different industry. He cold-called his way into recruiting her and then used the money to buy her. He matched her salary and purchased her an X3 before she signed a contract of employment. He would use any company resources necessary to gain control, he knew no limits. In his masterful narcissistic ways, he found a vulnerable spot and rationalized away any doubt of his proposal and situation. He promised he would teach her everything she needed to know. She could work with me, we would travel together and it would be fun for everyone. She started. Within a day, he fired me. Rationalizing, had I not been his wife, he would never have given me the opportunity. He could now spend time with my best friend and take control of my social life. Or so he thought.
He used the next 3 days of her employment to build a smear campaign against me. He filled her time with chaos and tried to sweep her off into his world of confusion. Riding around with his bong in a blizzard with a false sense of urgency. She quickly realized the position was nothing like he said it would be. He used his time to control hers. His rationalizing didn't work, his demeaning words about me were shut down and his efforts to control a friendship failed. Seeing through his tactics, she quit on day 4.
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