Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde

It’s easy to label a consistently toxic person as toxic. It's simple in that relationship to understand a boundary needs to be set and the person removed. When a person is inconsistent, it’s easy to give the benefit of doubt to the questionable and often unacceptable behavior. Especially as an empath, we often come to the relationship with a bottomless well of hope and optimism. The “hot” love bombing stage melts into the “cold” devaluing stage. To keep their narcissist supply going, they seesaw between the two.

I often said “it's confusing to love you” to which he would respond “I know I am a pain in the a** to love”. He was seemingly aware of his patterns. And then he would continue on as if nothing happened. Seemingly unmotivated to course correct. I struggled to reconcile the person I met with the person he had become. How could someone feel and seem so real and genuine and then turn a 180 so rapidly? I took responsibility when he shifted the blame to me for his Jekyll/Hyde episodes. He had carved himself out as a victim in my head. It was easiest to take responsibility for his outbursts. I didn’t do enough, I didn’t say the exact right thing, and I looked the wrong way. In reality, none of that was true. It was him. This was his pattern and most importantly, it was his incurable personality.

How did I know? At first, I didn’t know. I write to heal my shame for my ignorance. I took responsibility for every misstep in the relationship. I would take ownership over his Jekyll/Hyde episodes, I apologized I wore gym shorts to the gym, I apologized I looked through a crowd, I apologized I emotionally withdrew and caused his affair. I apologized for my rage when his questions turned into emotional abuse. I thought I could fix the relationship, I believed if I just said, did, and acted in the exact right way, he would turn back into the man he projected himself to be at the start of the relationship. Then I had an epiphany 8 weeks after I left him.

My first panic attack led me into a rabbit hole of narcissistic abuse. I read countless articles and listened to podcasts. These people, PhDs, survivors, and coaches were telling my story, but in their own words and experiences. My entire nervous system immediately felt validated and screamed ME TOO! I learned there were several narcissism abuse survivor communities. I learned there were different ways narcissism can show up and that there were traits and ultimately, incurable personalities. Seemingly, narcissist personalities were handed a manual at birth and they all followed it as an exact way of being. My mind was blown. His words and behavior checked every box these resources were describing. Love-bombing, lies, manipulation, cheating, hot/cold behavior, projection, shifting blame, and the list goes on.

Hot & Cold

Let me share a timeline of this Jekyll/Hyde behavior. This hot/cold behavior is meant to create chaos and confusion to keep the supply questioning reality, walking on eggshells, and mostly for the narc to keep control over their supply.

The first week of June, he installed $15,000 worth of cameras at the house (based on the wildest story of this relationship, I will post on it later). He filed for divorce on June 09 without saying a word. We left for Florida for his work and with his kids on June 14th. Excited about the work opportunity, he wanted us all with him. This picture was his idea because we need more beach pictures.

While in FL, we had family dinners, he introduced me to new work connections and we spent time walking the beach together. However, when he left for work meetings, he hid his recording “marketing” phone at the Airbnb so he could listen to what I did later. He would also leave and come back quickly to check to see if I was on my phone. When he found me sitting by the house pool reading without my phone, it was because I was ignoring him. Even vacation was on eggshells.

On June 21st now at home, he insisted on date night, just the 2 of us. He wanted our barstools to face one another, he wanted to hold my hand, and he wanted to listen to me. The next morning he convinced me it was a new foot forward in our marriage and so I surrendered with a ray of optimism and slept with him. 12 minutes. That was the time between starting my day and the sound of a motorcycle pulling into the driveway. I questioned him “Who is this?”. His exact response was “It's the security camera people”. It was in fact, the divorce papers being served to me. The text he received that morning confirmed they were on the way. He knew the entire time. While still in the driveway, with crocodile tears in his eyes, he said he didn't want a divorce, he did it because I needed a wake-up call. Six weeks after I caught him cheating, I needed the wake-up call? After 3 hours of talking through emotions, he showed me an email he sent to his attorneys to withdraw the filing, and we would work things out. He was on “good” behavior and we took off to NYC a week later.

This picture was taken 10 days after he served me divorce papers. He wanted to buy me a dress and shoes and take me out on the town. We were amongst a very upscale crowd at the Harvard Club in NYC. He came over to me and said “I saw that guy wink in your direction” to which I responded, “If you start this now, I will scream to this entire crowd”. He stopped immediately. I found out why he did that the next day on the drive home. He received a text as I was flipping music. It was a girl he had found at the event, exchanged numbers and was texting, calling her "sweetie", inviting her to dinner, and exchanging selfies. He justified it as innocent because she was from his town and a kid. "See, you can read it and then block her for me". I did. It was me who was ridiculous. A guy winking in my direction was projecting his behavior that night. I've learned from the experts, a narcissists will always tell on themselves.

The hot/cold pattern is a tactic narcissists use to create illusion and confusion. I was completely and ignorantly exhausted from living in his chaos and insanity.