Narcissists use people around them to invalidate, check on, discredit and isolate their supply. Think of it as their inner supply, enablers or the ones they keep closest to them. Subconsciously, flying monkeys will fall for the emotional manipulation and gaslighting. They believe the narc is a victim and will offer empathy. They could be dependent on the narcissist in some way. They will turn their heads, excuse, justify and rationalize away any hint of questionable behavior. This is all to pit people against each, create confusion, discord and discomfort. All of which feeds the narcissist need for supply.
In my experience, he would rationalize away my question of who are your closest friends with "it's lonely at the top" and "it's difficult to be a single Dad". These answers were so covert, so subtle and felt so vulnerable, they barely ruffled the red flags. His family was sold on his ex-wife being unstable, emotional, difficult and dramatic. His family was seemingly sold on the narrative his ex-girlfriend was cheating on him. There were no signs, conversations or even hints of his extremely jealous past when I talked to them. Some of which I don't think they knew until I began to talk to his ex-partners and share it with his brother. He had everyone closest to him fooled. "I actually think he believes what he is saying" was a response I got from one. This man is a textbook covert.
There are a few tactics narcissists use to keep their flying monkeys in compliance.
The narc will wear a mask to hide their abusive tactics.
The narc will get their Flying Monkey dependent (financially or otherwise) on them so they are less likely to question or call out anything unacceptable.
The narc will play victim to the Flying Monkey to elicit empathy.
The narc will repeatedly remind everyone of how crazy their victim responded to situations or conversations. Typically a one sided story, as they will leave out the “bait” of how the narc initiated the emotional reactions or words. They believe if they say it enough times, it will become reality.
The narcs will use their Flying Monkey presence to gain power and control over their supply. And when their supply doesn’t feed them, they use the Flying Monkeys as secondary supply.
Invisible Prison Cell
Narcissists are skillful at creating an illusion to confuse others' grip on reality. Their victim or anyone who calls them out gets a smear campaign to label them “unstable, emotional or crazy”. While I had 2 legs to walk away at any point in time, his manipulation, bread crumbing and gaslighting tactics was the psychological abuse that kept me in his grip. I had sold my house, I gave up my businesses and I had no immediate income to reestablish my life. I clung to his bread crumbs and gaslighting that said I needed patience. Without knowledge of narcissist abuse or the resources to educate myself, I felt trapped in an invisible prison cell. Kept in the cell by shame and the presence of his flying monkeys.
I introduced him to a small marketing company. In the months following, a bizarre sequence of events unfolded and the company was dissolved. The narc was absolutely obsessed and set on swooping in and "saving" this marketing company. All this without knowing the financials, client list or any logical details. It was a narcissist dream come true. I see now, he was positioning himself be the hero to gain admiration. Finding more people in a very vulnerable situation and immediately gaining his own set of flying monkeys.
I named the new company. He discussed how we would work together and continue to build. And when he offered them an operating agreement, omitting me from the deal and signed it within 3 weeks, it was a giant red flag. Our operating agreement was still lingering 3 months into the marriage. He walked this team into his "office" and quietly shared that I would not be involved. They knew before I did. I was standing in the room next to them and could hear the beginning of his smear campaign. He officially omitted me from this business that I was involved in every step of the way.
Shortly after and days after he fired me, I nearly begged for a few days to get my feet underneath me. My world felt shattered, again. I didn’t have a physical space I could retreat to and needed some breathing room. He raged that he bought his house to run his business. His company didn’t have a corporate office and his employees worked remotely. In the year leading up to this, he had a few employees in the house other than his assistant a time or two a week. However, it was inconsistent and infrequent. To devalue, belittle and show his power over me after he fired me, he immediately told his entire team over to come to the house. The same house he had cried and asked me to make into a family home. It switched so quickly. His mask had fallen off. His message was clear, I held no value to his new “team" that I named, and 'our' home was again his home. It was an emotionally and psychologically abusive prison cell.
I retreated to my parents for four days. Four days of complete confusion. I couldn't make sense of reality. I reasoned with myself, I never asked to work with him. I had my own success. However, none of that factored into the cloak of shame I felt hanging over me. With nowhere else to go and married to the man, I returned. He expressed he was happy I was back. He had passed kidney stones. I accepted his breadcrumbs and offered empathy.
In the coming weeks, the driveway would be full of cars. Some of them driving nearly 90 min one way to make the new commute to our house, their office. The kitchen table and the office I had put together for him was full of his team. I would become a ghost and disappear to the basement. Humiliated. Ashamed. Devalued. I would leave and sit at coffee shops and parking lots until the house cleared. At that point in the relationship, he didn’t care where I was because he had the cleaning lady and his Flying Monkey employees to gain his necessary supply.
This power trip continued for two months. Intuitively, I think he was shocked I stayed. I tapped into my resilience and tried to find my footing. I signed up for personal training
and tennis lessons. I went to his brother's house often and found a bit of relief with my sister-in-law. Then came the newborn puppies. It was absolute chaos. This is where cognitive dissonance and self-deception came into play.
Cognitive dissonance is the perception of conflicting or contradictory information. This mental discomfort of what I believed this man to be versus how he was behaving created a constant state of confusion. I began doubting myself, my decisions, and the core of who I was. I knew how he was treating me was wrong, but it wasn’t physical abuse. Therefore, it must not be abuse and it must be me. I must be the problem because that is what he is telling me. I joined Alanon. I made the decision to take personal responsibility and dig into why his addictions, behavior, and chaos bothered me. I made big strides to be non-reactive to anything he did. He agreed, I had worked on myself and still, his behavior and words to me did not change. Through my learned non-reaction, he had lost his supply. So as a narcissist without supply will do, he created a false narrative of absolute chaos. (See the post, Bewilderment.)
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