Listen for it. His denial. His long-winded answers as they turn into explanations of why the sky is green. His shifting of blame. Word salad as it's being tossed to wilt the conversation into confusion. His victimization. Listen for him to make us into crazy emotionally abusive cheating partners. Listen for him to devalue our characters, integrity, and gifts. Can you see the projection? Watch for the patterns. There are there. And then watch him not make eye contact. It's all energetically draining. You might later feel exhausted and unsure why. He won't admit to a single wrongdoing. He may breadcrumb a few empty words that may sound like "I did her wrong", but he won't point-blank admit to anything.
If you read this and then say "it's none of my business", your silence is enabling his patterns and behaviors to continue to destroy, decimate, and abuse his next supply. His flying monkeys silently listen to him spew the absolute absurdities and say nothing. I've witnessed the silence and bewildered looks. Some may have empathy for him. I did. We all did at one point. And with confidence, I can say we all stand together praying for the well-being of his next supply and kids. With the goodness still in our hearts, we pray for his narcissistic abuse to stop and that he can find help to be able to self-reflect and make a meaningful change. That won't happen because it all must start with him admitting the absolute wrong in his repeated patterns and decisions. I can also say with some level of confidence, no amount of I'm sorry will help heal our years to decades-long abusive experiences and relationship with him. He has made our lives infinitely more difficult and yet, we have survived and found a new level of compassion for those who are going through the same. If you listen to him smear us without a word spoken, you are a flying monkey.
Smear campaigns are the last stage in narcissistic abuse. It doesn't mean the abuse is over, it's just the ultimate discard in the narc's mind. If they can make everyone else believe demeaning words about you, they must be true. The narc gains superiority and empathy.
How Covert Narcissists Establish Their Smear Campaign
Survivors will be unjustly condemned as being selfish for expecting even the slightest degree of empathy from the narcissist. He will call us weak, emotional, untrustworthy, selfish, lazy, crazy, cunts, liars, stupid, childish, pathetic, sad, and a list of other devaluing words. I've heard them all when he's in devaluation mode. Even if he's on his best behavior, listen to him, his covert ways will leave you feeling like something is off, you just aren't sure what it is.
Survivors are unfairly labeled as being needy even though it is the narcissists who starve and deprive them of genuine warmth and care. Listen to him, he will say we all sought validation outside the relationship. He had to end the relationship with each of us because we all cheated on him. Empty audio files. Surveillance. Paranoia. Gaslighting. Neglect. Listen closely. He will leave out all the ways he ignored, devalued, cheated on, psychologically tortured, and emotionally abused us. Then the story becomes, it is we who are needy.
Survivors are told they are unlovable even though it is the narcissist‘s own cold heart that is devoid of affection. We all felt unlovable after he discarded us. We all had a thought ringing in our ears "it must be me". He robbed us of the capability to love ourselves. We've found it again, slowly, not without challenge. We are learning to see our own value and begin to trust and love ourselves again. I have to remind myself daily, I am lovable. I do deserve to be loved, cared for, and most of all, have needs. I didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. He decided to do it.
Survivors who challenge the distorted realm crafted by the narcissist are often judged as being crazy. We all challenged him. He discarded us because we challenged him. All of his past partners have the same narrative. Crazy, cheating, emotional. It's the exact same storyline he uses on repeat. Listen closely as you challenge him. If you are employed by him, you'll be devalued and fired. If you are an acquaintance you will be ignored, discarded, and devalued. Maybe not to your face. You might feel the energy in the room freeze up. He maybe will ignore your calls or even block you.
Survivors are accused of overreacting when they try to cope with the immense pain narcissist have inflicted on them. He will push his partners to the brink of insanity and calmly stand there and say "see, how can I have a conversation with her when she acts like this?". He covertly thrives on emotional reactions. He needs them to regulate his nervous system with power and control. It's soothing to him to watch us defend our character against his gross lies and absurdities.
Survivors are called too sensitive for simply acknowledging the harshness and cruelty they have endured. Bravely, I speak. I know I am surrounded by light and goodness. I know my love and compassion for others will endure your smear campaign. I still feel shots of cortisol dealing with his inner circle regarding the divorce. He's not making it easy. My sensitivity is a gift. His choices are evil in the world.
Survivors who dare to emerge from obscurity are quickly denounced as attention-seeking narcissists. I know this blog will be called out as attention-seeking because I married "the_real_pickleman". In a plea, I once told him I loved him and would give up everything to build our dream of a family. In my trauma bond, I begged him to withdraw the filing for divorce. Even in the weeks after I left, I reached out and begged him to find a way to work this out. It took work. A lot of inner work, resources, support, and inner focus to break the trauma bond many others don't even know what's happening. They feel crazy. I'm calling it out to get more attention on the insidious, parasitic, soul-destroying, abusive nature of covert narcissists. I'm writing to heal the wounds caused by your repeated decisions to abuse others. I am writing to heal the collective.
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