Narcissism isn't new. It is in folklore, fairytales, Greek mythology, Bible verses, and in every culture around the world. It hides in plain sight and is usually labeled as toxic, unhealthy, crazy, vain, or arrogant. I didn't fully grasp the ambient nature of it. I can see it now. I believe we are at the tip of the iceberg in a larger conversation to be had. It is easy to say you would have never let his abuse progress past the first inexcusable red flag. He pulled the veil over my eyes ever so slowly, I wasn't sure if he was moving it or if I was imagining it. My brain fog was settling in so slowly, I didn't see my thoughts beginning to slur. I couldn't make sense of the day-to-day. He was so masterful at his tactics, they were a slow drip of poison and manipulation. Somedays he was relatable and grateful and it felt like we connected. On other days, he would be looking for or creating chaos out of thin air. These compartmentalized experiences kept me guessing, I couldn't see the bigger picture. For the last 4 months, I was with him, my hypervigilance was at a high. From the time I woke up until going to bed, I was so aware of the few people I talked to, my surroundings, my communication, my body language, my phone usage, how I dressed, the time of day I did anything, and my every single move. I told myself I was keeping the peace. Even at night, I would stay in bed and not check my phone, not even for the time. One night I intuitively refused to get up to go to the bathroom because his energy was dark before I went to sleep. Once daylight, I saw he moved a camera into the room. My intuition was right. I did all of this because I was helping him feel safe. I didn't know I was negotiating myself away one sliver at a time.
If I was holding my phone, I held my thumbs completely still if he entered the room. If they moved, it meant I was hiding something from him and the questions would turn into me getting defensive. If I voluntarily showed him my phone and he would respond "No, it's okay". It was constant guesswork. Absolutely nothing would satisfy him. While out, I kept my eyes laser focused on anything but wouldn't look at anyone. I threw away gym shorts he deemed unacceptable for the gym. Joining Alanon meeting on my phone so I had proof I was on Zoom meant I was cheating and chatting with a fellow. I would ask if he wanted me to take my phone or leave it behind as I went for a walk in the park behind the house. Regardless, he would follow because if I had my phone I was talking to someone. If I didn't, it meant I was meeting them. I asked permission to go to the store, largely because he left me without spending money after he fired me and if I simply left to fulfill a household need, he would follow or call with accusations. I didn't answer the door, I didn't speak to anyone at the house. It wasn't worth the emotional terror that would follow. I learned how to make myself a ghost and I lost the ability to look people in the eyes.
Nowhere and no one was safe. My amazing sister-in-law (his brother's wife) did not have her driver's license. I was helping her learn to drive. We went out driving one day. The narc stayed with his brother. 20 minutes later, we got a phone call. "What are you doing, are you with anyone else, when will you be back?" The "it's just a question" game was endless. The narcissist didn't even trust his own family. This psychological and emotional abuse is a slow erosion of self-esteem, confidence, and trust.
I am now 4 months out from leaving him with minimal contact for the last 8 weeks. I am just now beginning to feel like I have washed ashore after months of survival. I can feel bits of who I was coming back to life. Just in the last week, I have begun sleeping through the night and I can focus for longer than a few minutes. My creativity is coming back, I have the urge to express creativity through writing, sewing, and designing. I am beginning to appreciate the slow days and have begun to realize I was exhausted from running for my survival. I move my thumbs and eyes freely. I go for walks without looking over my shoulder. I was always looking over my shoulder, not because I was hiding anything, but because I knew my every move was being followed. I was a free spirit, and social, and through this, I shut down, I had learned to be hyper-vigilant. It is just now calming down. Thawing my freeze reaction, I can appreciate the strength in accomplishing the small things each day. I can feel my brain fog lifting to allow space for strategy and creativity. I know however far I feel I got set back, it's nowhere near where I was when I was with him.
Until the first week of November, I had no idea trauma from narcissistic abuse existed. I came across support groups that offered solutions to piece together my life and offered validation and treatment to come out of the fog I was experiencing. Had I not connected with his ex-partners and ex-wife, I would have never known this is his abusive pattern. Most importantly, I would never have known it was him, not me. For anyone to leave the abuse and to carry the shame, embarrassment, and low self-worth, is a heavy burden. Some have to endure a smear campaign, lose friends and find courage in the face of this darkness. The negative cycle of trauma can continue for years. My intention is to allow my experience to help heal, help educate, and to help hold a light to the darkness narcissism casts onto the world.
If It Quacks Like A Duck...
Watching this trailer for "Alice, Darling" accelerated my heart rate, shortened my breath and my nerves were on fire. I felt the pit of my stomach drop. I relived the moments when I knew he was going to show up. Scanning my surroundings then keeping my eyes low, staying on task, and feeling my entire body tighten. Trying to silence my intuition, keep my composure, and inevitably, get the barrage of questions. At the park, at the gym, at the market, I was working for 4 hours, at the nail spa, at the masseuse, at tennis, and beyond. I could go nowhere. My nervous system recognized the hypervigilance in this 2 min trailer. It was my marriage to him. While articles and interviews about this movie avoid the word "narcissist", they do say the main character is in a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship. The tactics are the same and the main character's partner was a Narcissist.
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