It's so easy to judge our past selves for not knowing better. We shame and guilt ourselves into an invisible prison cell. We "should" all over ourselves. Narc abuse survivors couple it with the echoes of devaluation and we begin to not trust our own judgment. We lose confidence. We feel judged by others. We shoulder the responsibility for the failed relationship. For the mass majority, had we known better, we would have chosen better. I had no education on narcissism, I thought it was just a “mirror, mirror on the wall” type of personality. I grew up seeing the good in people. I began asking myself, how did I miss the red flags? How did I become a shadow of myself? What is this that I am feeling? After I left, I didn't recognize myself. After a mild panic attack and through some research about narcissism, I identified as a narcissist abuse survivor, and the emotion I was carrying around, was shame.
Shame is a slow, insidious emotion that subtly begins to consume a person's perspective of themselves. The other time in my life that was remotely close to what I was feeling was when I had been vocally judged by friends and when a previous relationship turned physical. I reasoned through that with talk therapy. This shame invoked by narcissism isolated me, created self-doubt, and gave me a general daily feeling of wanting to disappear. Nearly all narcissist abuse survivors feel shame. They then endure smear campaigns at the same time they are trying to piece together what's left of their lives. Some believe their gifts are weaknesses because the Narc said so. I am no different than the other survivors and this Narc's ex-partners.
In reality, I trusted my business with a businessman who promised to take care of it. He wanted to marry me. He promised me a family. I trusted his commitment to taking care of the businesses while I focused on his organizing and maintaining his house and stabilizing the environment for his son. My gift and my mistake, I trust the good in others to prevail. He weaponized my gifts against me. I do not apologize for not knowing evil. I consider myself blessed I didn't experience this before now. For him, it's a pattern, he knew what he was doing from day one. Without covert narcissist abuse knowledge, how should I have known?
The shame of not knowing better...
We met on a long weekend retreat in Arizona. I knew only the organizer and no one else. As we were making introductions, one of his first lines to me was “I can see it already, you’re going to be trouble”. I just stared back at him. How should I have known his narc bullseye was set? I know now, those few days at the AirBnB were full of red flags. Every time we would all get ready to leave, he would go to his rental car, 3 of us in it, and he would forget his keys. He would ask me to go get them. I did, no less than 6 times. He was testing my empathy and willingness to serve him. Asking favors is an early red flag for narcissists. His keys were in his room. His room was an absolute disaster with his trash all over the sink. How could someone’s suitcase explode like this for a 3-day trip? A narcissistic trait is to leave messes because they can't be bothered to take responsibility for their trash. A trait he carried until the day I left. His bathroom sink looked as if he dumped the garbage can on it. He talked excessively about how much weed he could smoke. A narcissist typically has 3 or more addictions. He talked about how he was a victim of AirBnB, they had kicked him off the platform. A narcissist is always a victim. His theory was that it was his content from social media posts. We all looked, nothing looked like a reason for kicking him off the platform. Did he delete posts? Was he in a dark chat group? I’ll never know for sure. In the relationship, I had to rent all the AirBnBs. He offered a massage to me and another girl that was there. Why is this man offering massages? A narcissistic trait is a denial or refusal to acknowledge social boundaries. At one point, he offered a bubble bath in bathing suits. I snapped this picture in consideration and the absolute ridiculousness of the situation. My nervous system was immediately activated. It was nice to think about it because we had been hiking in the cold rain all day. I left him in this bathroom & stayed in my room
for the rest of the night, disappearing from the rest of the group. It's easy to see it all now. I was consumed by grief, in a vulnerable state of mind, and not narc-informed. How could I have known what my intuition was trying to say? He knew my world was tipped upside down and that I was, in fact, an easy target.
Narcissists are so good at what they do, they know when to back off and smooth things over. The next day he played it cool after I left the bubble bath conversation. He then began to share how crazy his ex-wife was and he was paying for her to live in his house. He painted a picture of her abandoning her kids. Abandoned became his buzzword. He was raising his son by himself. His son was emotionally distressed, didn't speak to his Mom, and didn't have "the mustard" to cut it. Whatever "it" was. His son was like his ex and his daughter had his personality. He had been traumatized by the divorce and his ex was taking advantage of him by living in his old house. His ex-girlfriend had cheated on him. He was forever the good guy getting cheated on. He was the victim. A narcissist trait is playing a victim and forever smearing their exes to future partners. I know now he reeled me back by weaponizing my empathy. How should I have known?
Without any planning, we happened to be flying back within 30 minutes of each other. I had a 2-hour drive back to my house. He wanted to take me to dinner. He wanted me to stop by his house. He didn’t want to eat by himself. His house was big and empty. It worked, I went to dinner because I was hungry and stopped at his house for a total of 5 minutes. Grandiosity and early attachment. Had I known better, I would have chosen better.
2 days later, he dropped everything on his schedule and drove 90 min to see my building and business. He wanted to spend the whole day with me. I know now, he was scouting and studying me. He walked through my business starry-eyed. He immediately offered ways to improve business operations. He wanted to know why my estranged husband abandoned me when I had it all. I made it clear, I was not going to date him until I filed for divorce. He responded with I just want to take care of you. To lure me further, he left his spare car at my house for me to drive in the snow. It's his grandiose move. The cleaning lady got an offer for a massage in our bed while her brand-new car was sitting in our driveway. He insisted it, we don't have to be anything, I'll still take care of you. Knowing how he repeats his narratives, I'm certain he used that line on her, too.
My estranged husband had moved out of state, blocked me, and made no moves to file for divorce. In the midst of that timeline, my Uncle died, he was the 3rd untimely family death in 119 days. I felt like my world was running out of oxygen. I was so consumed with overwhelming grief and emotions, I told myself I would deal with my marriage later. I was robotically showing up for my clients and simply surviving. "Later" came 45 days later. I caved after hearing how much the Narc admired me, shared my dreams, and wanted a 2nd chance at a family. I filed for divorce. Who wouldn't want to hear that? Who wouldn't want to feel supported? Who wouldn't have moved towards a ray of hope or sunshine amid the grief clouds? The reality was my estranged husband would have never taken the initiative and his health insurance policy that I was on expired at the end of January, he didn't reach out to notify me. That was the straw on the camel's back. And I wanted to be loved. Why would a 49-yr old man say all these things if he didn't mean them? He was so insistent. He was convincing, even to my parents and loved ones. My shame says I should have known better.
...healing with self-compassion
The reality is, I shouldn't have known. I am healing the shame I have carried around the belief that I should have known about and seen his covert narcissist playbook. I felt shame because I believed the Narc's words that I was the one to blame for his affair and abusive choices. I went as far as to apologize for my emotional reactions to his choices. I felt shame for abandoning my businesses. I apologized to him that I didn't do better. In truth, I didn't abandon them, I trusted them with a businessman (and his team) who was committed to being my life partner and wouldn't let me leave the house without tracking or following me. Hindsight, I can see he slowly began to entrap me, legally, physically, financially, and psychologically from day one. He knew from his past relationships, the more shame I felt, the easier it was to isolate and control me. He showed up as a life raft when I was running out of air, I trusted him and his words, even as he tried to sink me. I know now, all of the above are early signs of covert/vulnerable narcissism and only when we know better, will we choose better.
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