Invalidation

Narcissists invalidate people so naturally, so subtly, it's almost missed in real-time. Narcissists invalidate in order to protect themselves from seeing their true self. They are obsessed with hiding behind their mask. The mask is their safe place. Invalidation happens from the inside out and the outside in. They invalidate your ideas, thoughts, emotions, actions, and reality. They rewrite events, history, and reality to serve their mask. Over time, survivors' emotional skin becomes so thin, we become reactive to fight for a chance to be validated. These reactions intensify in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and a fragile nervous system. Eventually, when pushed to the edge, it becomes reactive abuse. Then the narc makes that reaction the problem. The survivors believe the narc. It is we who feel crazy. Invalidation is the root of the reaction and in covert narcissism, the so-subtle tactic goes unnoticed. They are masters at invalidating people.

Invalidation is a tactic used universally by narcissists. The more they invalidate you, the easier it is to control you. Through validation, they get to decide when you have worth in their world. In a healthy, emotionally reciprocal relationship, validation is essential to feeling emotionally safe. It took me until now to identify how much he invalidated me. It's the one thing I could never really put my finger on. I minimized my being because his comments invalidated me daily. I'm learning to see myself and to hear myself again. Through writing and connecting with others, I can validate myself and my experiences.

Finally, I can see it.

One of the last issues between us was lingering. Resolving the shared storage units between us. On Monday, he sent one of his flying monkeys to tell me he is done paying for one of the units. The particular unit held 2 of his couches along with my furniture. The remaining 2 he was going to "take" held my restaurant equipment. I refused to discuss the matter with the employee that pays the bills. I told them this is how he uses people and I would not partake. There were more negotiations than what he dictated was going to happen through them.

I called his brother to get involved to be the moral compass for the narc. I had to do this often while I was in the relationship and immediately after I left. I shared that a little notice would have been great, a conversation regarding separating out the units would be cordial, I didn't hold any of the keys to the units and I'm not paying for something I can't get to, and finally, not going through an employee that knew nothing else would be the moral thing to do. I shared I didn't want his couches and now they are my problem to get rid of and of course, it came back "Well he said he gave you those couches for the rentals". Very snarky, I responded "Are we now picking the moments of the integrity of this man's word? That's what he promised me, 2 couches? What about a family, businesses, and not cheating on me? I couldn't leave the house to manage anything, he's lost the keys and now this is my problem". His brother hung up on me. The truth is too much in a heated discussion over couches. In reality, it served the narc to not have to move the couches, to not have to store the couches, to not pay to rid himself of the couches, and not to mention, the narc had lost the key to the unit, so it all became my problem.

Without further communication, after his brother hung up on me, this email came. Subtly, he had to invalidate me. Do you see it? Why is it needed? He is protecting his reputation with others on copy in the e-mail. If you don't see it, keep reading.

Forbidden to leave the house? It is true, he never forbade me. He followed me to the park. He followed me to Target, the grocery store, and the nail salon. He tracked me. He put devices in the car to track me everywhere I went. He called me 27 times in 1 hour while I was at the gym. I didn't answer so the only logical reason to the narc was I was busy f*cking every male in the gym. I couldn't go to his brothers without him coming with me. I couldn't go manage my rentals 90 miles away without him coming with me, sitting in his truck while I worked in the yards. The one time I insisted I go by myself I time-stamped every single project. I sent it to him proud of my work and checking in so he felt safe, his response was "Did you meet someone at the bar". In his theory, I would have had to be a Superwoman to accomplish all that he accused me of doing. It was easier and less emotional to stay at the house on camera.

This is where I know he remembers the exact moments and what he said. Because in reality, he did say we would put those couches in the rentals. If he remembers that, he also remembers his promise to me of a family, businesses, and life together. He remembers creating destructive narratives. He will twist reality with excuses, shifting of blame, devaluation, and false narratives when asked about that truth. It's all to protect his mask. That mask in this situation, regarding those couches, he is a man of his word. In this situation, the narc narrative becomes "See, she's the crazy one, I gave those to her and she doesn't want them."

That one sentence of invalidation activated me. Still, after 7 months gone, I can feel the burn on my nerves, I can feel the rush of thoughts, and I can feel my heart race. I'm angry I still have that trauma trapped in me. I feel the urge to scream to validate my being and reality. I write to acknowledge my progress in that I can slow down my reaction just enough to go back and identify the exact narc tactic and not serve up his supply. That's what he wanted; my emotional reaction to that denial of reality. He didn't get it. His tactic to selectively remember what he did when I left the house, was invalidation of my reality. I have pictures of him tracking me and I have his ex-partners to prove it's his pattern in all relationships. This is what he does and the abusive tactics he will continue to use. Those words and this tactic are covert narcissism in action.