You got me. You preyed on my vulnerability, grief, and ignorance. Your manipulation, gaslighting, and projection shattered me. You masterfully took a piece of me with every day that passed in our relationship. You shredded my confidence, you oppressed my autonomy, you suffocated my ability to dream, you tried to squeeze every ray of hope from me and then eliminated my smile from the world. Your constant chaos, invalidation, devaluation, and infidelity left me questioning my reality. While your deception dimmed my light, I vowed you would not take my soul. Your attempt to control me was only going to be temporary. Your dark shadow would not take my faith. You continued to press on emotional wounds until the rage bled out of me. I was angry I let you try to match my ability to love, I was angry I allowed you into my heart, I was angry I believed your grandiose promises of a family. I reminded myself hourly of who I was before I met you. Your inability to feel love will not be the reason I close my heart. I will let the love flow as I did before I met you. I will spend the remaining years of my life mending and healing. I will guide my days with forgiveness and compassion for not knowing narcissism as yours existed. I will rebuild my self-esteem with the experience and wisdom gained. I will heal because my ability to love is my gift.
Somewhere Under The Rainbow.
When I met him, I was very clear, I was in a highly emotionally vulnerable state. He just wanted to take care of me. Declaring I was abandoned, all I needed was love and he wanted a second chance at having a family. I was perfect for him, his kids, and his business. He was a single Dad with an emotionally distraught teenager. He needed help. His kids needed a positive female energy and role model and his business could use my creativity. Locking all the puzzle pieces together, made sense to anyone who met us.
Was it my rainbow after the 2020 storm? In disbelief, I questioned, I hesitated and I poked, prodded, and asked all the questions. Still, I chose to believe in his magic. If I did not believe it, my lingering pain was too much to face. If I turned the page fast enough, the next chapter could be revealed. That bit of rest at the narcissist oasis, otherwise known as "love-bombing" was needed for what was to come. Everything I believed I was missing I could see at my fingertips. I could feel the tenderness, the soft spot to take a retreat from all the wreckage following me into the shadows as inevitably as the sun sets into darkness. A false sense of love, or a trauma bond, budded from his constant words of validation and promises. Life partners, he promised. He would be there to hold my hand through it all. He was frank with problems, we would face everything head-on. With those words, I propped myself up. I bought into everything he offered me. He would become my light and my guide through the dark canyons and my rock to rest on. He would be my strength and with any luck, my fairytale. I told myself, just keep running.
Little did I know, my vulnerability was going to be his narcissistic playground. Slowly, little by little, he tested the waters. Asking for favors. Playing victim to get my empathy and loyalty. Then the narcissism rip current came through my life. My dreams were immediately his dreams. My visions were his to carry forward, he could make everything grander, bigger, and better. Speaking in grandiose language to gain control, I just needed to trust him. His gradual increased sense of self was coming alive. His kids verbally noted he’s different in relationships. He justified, rationalized, and defended his ideas and plans. Those were mine he was morphing into his own. I noted I didn't feel like I had a voice in the relationship. I quickly learned no one could challenge him. He skillfully played me to trust him. I just needed patience, he said. I felt the grip of my life slowly weaken. Unbeknownst to me, I had run into the arms of a covert narcissist.
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