What's the difference between psychological, emotional, and physical abuse? In simple terms, nothing. They are all choices made by the Narc to gain control, supply, and feel superior. These were his repetitive choices. Not just in our relationship, but in his past romantic partners, his first marriage, his relationship with his kids, and his relationships with his extended family. These are his narcissistic coping mechanisms for fragile self-esteem and deep-rooted insecurities. These destructive choices are his to own up to or to deny. In a true narc pattern, he will deny it as he lacks accountability, self-reflection, or the desire to get help. As you read, in his own words, in the Word Salad post, him going to a counselor is a waste of time. In fact, 8 months later, he is still absent and refusing to go to and pay for his court-ordered family therapy in a custody case for his daughter.
As a self-aware narcissist (@rawmotivations on Instagram) explains, these choices are due to their inability to process shame. When a normal someone does something morally wrong, they will feel shame, apologize, course-correct, and learn from their mistakes and shortcomings. When a narcissist is called out, they will deny, shift the blame, smear, and do anything to gain back a facade of control in their life. They will refuse to acknowledge the wall of shame even exists. A covert narcissist will spin a narrative and become the victim to the flying monkeys and future partners. In Nov '22, I began sharing my conversations with his past partners with his brother, I can only assume his brother approached him with our
conversation. The Narc unblocks me and texts me. However, rather than own up to any of it, he goes out of his way more than 2 months after I left to gaslight me. Why would he do this? He knows his choices will be exposed and false narratives are crumbling so he gaslights & devalues me.
It wasn't physical abuse...
He would repeatedly push every emotional and psychological abuse button until I would have an emotional reaction that would include me yelling at him in defense. One particular day, I threw a chair from the porch. I watched myself do it and asked myself “how did I come to this”? It was maddening to feel like I was held in a prison cell that I couldn’t see. His repeated accusations of infidelity, when it was me who caught him, drove me to the brink of breaking. I didn’t see, understand, or get the abusive nature of how he treated me, I didn’t understand the dynamics of psychological abuse. He calmly watched me and said, “I don’t feel safe here”. He became the victim, and I became ashamed. On that same day, I went through his logic of what it would take for me to be cheating on him with every male he brought up. It was impossible and absurd in nature. His response “you should be a stand comedian, you are actually funny”. And truly, talking through his Narc-logic with my sarcasm defensiveness was so absurd, it probably was funny. I was ashamed and exhausted.
Intuitively, a day in March ‘22, something told me to go home after my massage and before the grocery store. He hadn't reached out, which was off and odd. A new car was in the driveway (the car he bought for her, see post Your Betrayal). I walked into the house and he had the cleaning lady in our bed, giving her a foot massage. A classic move for him. He always started with massages; his favorite college class was kinesiology and his stepdad
was an OB/GYN. Based on those 2 statements, he proclaimed himself advanced in body knowledge.
I didn’t even react when I found these two. I snapped a quick photo as a reality check, then I had a freeze response. I went to the basement to think. His son was there. While pacing, I robotically said, “I think your Dad is having an affair” ….Later, in a shift of blame, I was the one to blame for dragging his son into it. Having another woman in his bed while his son was home was the responsible example and Father thing to do, I was to blame for having a shocked reaction to this situation.
Another particular time, as I was waking up from a nap, he came in with devaluing and infidelity accusations. He had gone through my phone and was manic. I was beside myself, again. To my absolute surprise, I kicked a hole in the wall. That thought never crossed my mind before in my life, I am not a big or strong person. I’m not violent. And with the rage I had, I kicked my heels through the wall screaming at him I wasn’t the whore he painted me to be. His response was calm, “I don’t feel safe here”. Never mind the 10+ holes that were in the basement walls from his son throwing his fist through them with the same confusion, defense, and rage that any Narc victim feels.
Look around Narc, all your closest have the same reactions. In fact, everyone who lived with you has threatened to kill themselves, raged with emotional defensive pleas, or checked themselves into a hospital for either mental care or cardiologist care. Every single one. You then smear all of them in fear of your choices being exposed. Your ex-wife, your son, your Dad, your brother, and me. You devalue them as if that justifies the way you treated them. In your narratives, we end up being the weak, crazy, emotional and the inferior ones. These are your repetitive choices. It is abuse.
....until it was.
It wasn’t physical abuse until it was. In Feb, March & April ‘22, he was so defensive over his phone. He had taken on the role of being the protector of the cleaning lady. One night in early April, he threw his phone on the bed and I grabbed it and began walking out of the room. I needed to find the cleaning lady on it, not something I would do, and in that moment of feeling crazy, I needed to prove myself not crazy. At that moment, he ran after me, grabbed my arm, and pulled it down and back so he could get the phone. My arm went dead, it was heavy, tingling, and in pain. He couldn’t control his rage at me. He was in my face, spitting as he yelled, I don’t get to control everything. In reality, I controlled nothing. He was furious he was getting caught in his affair.
My left arm has never been the same. Immediately, I lost my range of motion (my left arm used to touch my right in yoga poses). My left shoulder would pop and feel like it was locked up in the middle of the night. I have never had shoulder pain, even after 18 years of daily yoga. I lied to myself and said it would get better, I told myself he just pulled it out of the socket. As if that lie was acceptable. He saw me grimace daily while putting on clothes. He watched while I couldn’t lift my left arm to wash my hair. In that invisible prison cell, I wanted to protect him. I had anxiety around if I went to the Dr. that I would have to explain how the injury happened. I felt shame for allowing it. Instead, I endured the pain for 10 months. Two weeks ago, I found out I have 3 torn ligaments and pockets of fluid in my left shoulder limiting my motion and causing the pain.
I am grateful the ligaments can be fixed with stem cells and the beginning of arthritis starting from the locking sensation, has a chance to improve with bone marrow injections. Just for reference, I also had them check my right shoulder. I am right dominant and any wear and tear from yoga would be visible on the right side as well. There was nothing. It looked great, and it feels great. I needed validation. I get my left shoulder injected on Tuesday. Integrating back into my body and healing the parts he destroyed is an emotional awakening. It's another layer of healing. It's another layer of spiritual awakening. I forgive myself for not knowing what psychological and emotional abuse looked like and hiding the physical abuse. I do not forgive him for choosing to repeatedly abuse those around him.
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