I lived in fear of those words. It was never just a question. It was the same question on repeat until he badgered me into submission. The darkness in his eyes switched like a light switch. (These are called "Narc Eyes", it is something survivors of narc abuse all note before an episode.) He would twist and turn the words filling in his own narrative, throwing devaluing accusations. Nothing I ever answered was good enough or accepted as truth, regardless of the proof I presented. My fear crept in slowly like a shadow at dusk. I could see my reactions to his fits of jealousy inch me closer to insanity. I scrambled to brace myself.
It was the movers. It was the delivery man. It was the kids. It was the man at the grocery store. It was your brother’s neighbor. It was my personal trainer. My female masseuse. It was my eye movement in a crowd. You convinced me, it was my behavior that made you insecure. My nervous system escalated to a heightened sense of vigilance in order to keep the peace. I kept my eyes down, my movements limited, and left my phone in your view so as not to create more questions. Eggshells stay best with limited and calculated movement. It was survival. Each day I still had questions to answer. “It’s just a question” he would gaslight me. The unease grew into a disease within the relationship. I questioned my thoughts, my ideas, my ability to be in public, and my ability to make decisions faltered under the cloud of fear. I withdrew publicly and emotionally, I thought it was to keep the peace, but I didn't know it was because I was losing confidence in who I was. He followed me on walks, on errands, and to the gym. His cameras kept watch when the house was quiet. Mapping out each step of my day, staying in routine, and minimizing my presence. He saw to it my sleep was limited by your middle-of-the-night antics. He took my phone, logged into my social media, and checked my email. He even changed the password to my Facebook account by using his company email address he had given to me and had access to as the administrator. He could turn anything into an accusation. I thought once he saw he could find nothing, he would then believe me. That wasn't the case. The secrecy of it all activated my nervous system and left me anticipating what nonsensical accusation would come next. I will heal because fear and love do not travel together and I am now free of your fear and emotional abuse.
Little by Little.
The control started subtly. It was a slow infiltration for me to be completely reliant on him. His car was better than my car in the winter, he said to drive it. Though I questioned the gesture, it seemed innocent enough. He wouldn’t let me drive to my studio by myself, while there he lurked outside my yoga lessons. He was curious, he explained. My dreams became his dreams, my successes were his to refine. He always wanted to own a grocery store. My store name was well established and it was no longer enough, he insisted in order to drive growth, it needed his company's name. He employed me so we could spend our days together. Gave me a salary so that he could control my worth. I remember a specific conversation, in which I stated I felt I was losing my voice in the relationship. He responded with love bombing. Compliments, rationalization, and defending his words. He was skillful at making it all seem okay and knew enough to be on good behavior immediately following.
Soon this all ballooned. His control knew no limits The cameras were installed outside and inside the house directly on the bedroom doors. Portable ones were always positioned at different angles, trying to catch my every move. I had no idea how this was affecting my nervous system, it was draining my sense of self-worth and confidence. I had no idea how this was splintering my soul which would take months or years to heal.
I understand now, he would have kept the love bombing going as long as he needed to secure me as a victim in my vulnerable state. Self-deception is cunning and my well of optimism and hope was powerful. It’s so easy on the outside to say “Don’t let people control you”, as a lifelong people-pleaser and a committed wife, I was determined to find a way to make it work. After all, he had promised to fulfill my dreams of a family and I had nothing to hide.
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