Healthy jealousy in a relationship can be communicated and logically resolved. Naturally, we all fill in communication gaps with our own narratives. Our insecurities and core wound beliefs combined with our past experiences sometimes create a spin on reality. There is no escaping it. Healthy jealousy can be resolved or healed through our own self-reflection, open communication, discernment, consistent behavior from our partner, logic, and reasoning. However, using logic is useless to a narcissist. The narcissist will use devaluing actions and words against another's character until their character is assassinated and then will discard the person. Truth, logic, or changed behavior from the partner will not alleviate the Narc's jealousy concerns. It will only offer to them supply and control; a green light to keep going. This accelerates the devaluing stage and is the root of the developed hyper-vigilance.
Narcissists cannot process shame, they project it. In this case, he has a pattern of projecting his affairs in each relationship. He narrates his "concerns" to his partner as his trust issues caused by his first marriage. He will persistently accuse his partner of cheating, when in fact, it is his own infidelities. This tactic is using the partner's gift of loyalty and integrity as a weapon. He pits it against them for his own emotional supply or gain. He knows the more he persists, the more reaction he will get and that reaction serves as a supply to his dysregulated nervous system.
Jen's Experience in her own words, Part 2
Dec 2016: My work Christmas party. I was so excited to finally be bringing a “plus one!” I wanted to show him off to my coworkers. He was handsome, charismatic, successful, and MY boyfriend! It was a bowling party. In the month or two leading up to the party, the other “man” in my life on a daily basis, the office manager at work whose name is Tom, had become a point of contention between the Narc and me. Tom is a man working among 20 women at my work, I’d known him since 2001, had attended his wedding, knew the birthdays of his two boys, and considered him another “brother” type of relationship to me. Over the years working for our boss, Tom and I developed a rapport that helped us weather the challenges of working for an (ironically) narcissistic, insecure woman who could drive you crazy on a daily basis! Among our day-to-day sharing of a place of work, Tom and I ate lunch every Wednesday with another one of the doctors, and on Tuesdays, we walked down to the bank and local drugstore with our dogs to get a soda and dog treats. It was my way of decompressing and getting some fresh air. This routine did not sit well with the Narc. Little did I know one day the Narc parked in the parking lot across the street and watched me walk down the road with Tom. Apparently, he called my cell phone when I got back, asked me what I was doing, and claimed I was out of breath when I answered, “I just got done with an appointment.” This would be the first of many false accusations alluding to Tom and I’s relationship being more than what I claimed. In reality, I did get back and did a quick nail trim appointment, heard my cell phone ringing, raced to the office to answer it not wanting to miss the Narc's call (knowing it was him because no one else usually called me!), and answered the Narc's question truthfully. I never thought to consider the fact that he would be parked by my work spying on me! This was strike one on Tom. Strike two was a day we all went to lunch with a vet student. Tom rode with me. Then we went to Walmart to get gift bags and then to Starbucks. I was questioned later on about what I did that day. The Narc claims I lied. I was scolded for driving an employee around. Tom is inferior to me. I am a doctor and I should not be going to lunch with him! It is so inappropriate. I was apparently tailed that day so the Narc knew my every move. That night the Narc claimed my underwear had “white stuff” in it, and we all know what he was thinking it was. Years later, he claims he got a sample and sent it to be analyzed and it contained sperm. (Insert eye roll!) Strike three regarding Tom was shortly after the Christmas party and we drove past the clinic decorated in Christmas lights. The Narc commented on how nice they looked and I replied, snottily, “ TOM DID IT!” That response, nor my tone, did not sit well with the Narc! Ha! We had already been going round and round about Tom. The Narc hated him. He thought Tom was dumb, he said he didn't know what he was doing in his job, and questioned why in the world my boss keeps him around.
Back at the Christmas party, Tom had a bit to drink and was acting goofy, which is not unusual for him. Tom’s wife was not there. The Narc “observed” Tom acting like a ”buffoon.” He claims the act was all for me. In his words, “ there is no way he would have been acting like that if his wife was there.” I argued, “yes, he would have! That’s just Tom and Jenn has seen him act this way for 15 years!” I’d known Jenn even before Tom was in the picture, so I chastised the Narc for judging someone whom he didn’t even know! Of course, that only reinforced the Narc's belief that there was more to Tom and I’s relationship than just coworkers.
The truth? Yes, he is not only my coworker, but he’s my friend, and one I’ve had for a long time! My excuse? I had none. I resigned myself to the fact that the Narc would never change his mind and I slowly became distant towards Tom. The lunches stopped. Of course, I was eating lunch every day with the Narc. He made sure to pick me up every day for lunch. The walks stopped. The jokes stopped. I barely talked to him. In fact, by the end of the Narc's and my relationship, I had adopted a similar attitude toward Tom that the Narc had, seeing his shortcomings and becoming frustrated at his lack of experience and expertise at his job. Now, 2 years after the Narc and I parted, I have found a happy medium. Yes, he is still somewhat frustrating with aspects of his job position and duties, but we will talk and joke as we had in the past. We’ll occasionally walk to the bank on a nice day, but we no longer do lunch.
Dec 2016: The Narc bought me $5,000 worth of scuba equipment and paid to get me certified. He booked a trip to Bonaire. The trip there was rough…missed flights, an impromptu overnight stay in Atlanta, lost luggage, diverted flights, and lots of frustration. The Narc was moody and I was worried and nervous about the trip. We left Missouri amidst the ice storm of the century and the last 48 hours were weighing us down. We finally arrived, without luggage for 24 more hours, but thankfully had our scuba gear. The Narc got us registered for diving at the dive shop. The dive master pointed out some sights on the map. Even with this simple act, I was accused of making too much eye contact with the dive master. And due to this, the Narc was convinced the dive master had a thing for me. I still had to do my certification exercises with him. Before it even started, I was embarrassed and self-conscious of my actions, words, and movements around the dive master. I knew the Narc was scrutinizing our every move. I passed certification but later the Narc commented on how ridiculous it was in that the guy made me do EVERY exercise there was…the dive master was prolonging the test to be able to spend more time with me! (Sigh).
Later that week, we met some folks from Missouri who owned a condo on the island. We met the mother on the flight from KC. We had drinks one night, met for dinner another night, and one morning the Narc and I went for a run. Well, I should say I went for a run, and the Narc begrudgingly went with me! We passed the husband and wife on the beach on the way out and back. When we got to the hotel the Narc asked “did you see that guy doing his squats? He was showing off for you!” (another sigh!).
I like to think of this vacation as amazing and a memory to cherish. Now as I break it down, I realize I was with two people that week. The first was a guy I knew and loved. He was fun and goofy and adventurous. I clung to his hand during some dives, as this was my first experience in the open ocean doing something that was so unnatural to me. The other guy was someone I had to be careful around. I was walking on eggshells making sure not to upset him by looking the wrong way or doing something suggestive with my body. Just the look on his face was enough to tell who I was with.
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