It can take a lifetime to shed light on, reconcile, and heal the trauma trapped within a nervous system caused by covert narcissistic abuse. I left on Sept 05. Realized he was a covert narc on Nov 04, stumbled through my first few posts, trying to write myself into freedom from shame, and then began putting in the hours in January with Brainspotting. Those are just the first steps. In the beginning, I couldn’t go back and read the text messages between us without getting activated with shame, anger, and reliving the chaos and trauma. I know I am healing because now I can go back and reread and apply logic. Today, nearly 9 months after I left, I had a lightbulb moment.
I was listening to a murder trial closing arguments and the murderer had created a fake social media account. I asked myself, who does that? A light bulb turned on in another part of my brain. A narcissist would do that. Of course, that’s what the narc did in this message I could never make sense of. He was so sure of his ability to get a reaction from me, he took a screenshot of these 2 accounts and sent it to me. He followed it up by putting his narrative in writing. He knew exactly how to get a reaction from me. He is a master narcissist. Of course, it worked just as he knew it would. As it always does, the truth has a way of finding the surface. I can see through it now.
At the time I received this message in July '22, I was surviving the day. Sighing at the end of my night, assuring myself I was loved, and reading anything 12-step to take my mind off the darkness surrounding me. I remember reading the message and thinking ...Jeremy? ...From March? ...The guy that wanted to buy my kitchen equipment in storage? ...What in the actual fuck would I be doing anything with that guy? Upon receiving this, I raged immediately at the narc. "I am not the whore you make me out to be. Why would you think of this? Why would anyone go to such lengths to create unnecessary drama and devalue their wife? I am the one that caught you cheating." The false narratives and accusations he spun on me I had come to expect. No less activating, but expected. I couldn’t fathom anyone going to the extent of making 2 fake accounts, let alone a 50-yr old man that was Founder/CEO, that never once crossed my mind. This post is proof of how far he went to create chaos and drama, seeming out of thin air.
Small World
In February ‘22, after he fired me, I cried for 24 hours straight. It was as if a faucet turned on inside me. Everything I knew and identified with was officially shattered. Everything I had built over the last 8 years and left behind for his promise of a family, he destroyed. I officially believed I had nothing, I was isolated, I was devastated, and consumed with shame. In March, I was trying to find a way forward and an identity. I could do marketing consulting. I could teach yoga. I could find an hourly job. I was trying to stay open to the options I could create. The narc only wanted me to serve him.
Through our friend, the one that married us, I met the owners of a small grocer in March. My friend knew the entire story of the narc, she was trying to help me network and get me back on my feet. These small grocery owners had been to my store in Quincy, they had loved it, and they wanted to know if I would help them. It was incredibly validating to hear that because my store was gone, shuttered by the narc and his team. Their words gave what I built meaning, I had made an impact. Shamefully, I gave them vague answers on why it was closed. I was keeping his secrets and piling on the shame. The owners were open to my suggestions and my experience on how to help their store. They had space and plans for a kitchen. What was remaining of my kitchen equipment was in storage. Could have been a good fit, but the conversation didn't go anywhere after a few exchanges of measurements. Largely, I had low self-worth, then the puppies arrived and I was the only caretaker for 11 dogs, 2 weeks after the puppies, I found him in the hotel with the cleaning lady, and was barely surviving all the other chaos. No time for a job. And then when he started tracking and following me, it became increasingly clear to me, his toxicity would follow me anywhere I went. He would tear me down the minute I tried to stand up on my feet again. It wasn't worth the chaos. I closed off and isolation set in even further, I ghosted the store owners.
Fast forward to the gym in July, the narc is attending my sessions and the conversation with my trainer turned to another guy he trains early morning. My sessions were always later afternoon. To my surprise, it was this Jeremy, whom I had met one time, 4 months prior. "Yeah, I know the business, I've been a few times." And that was that I wanted the quickest route out of that small-world conversation. In isolation I began to believe, I am nobody, I know nobody, and right now, I wanted to be swallowed up by the floor. The narc standing 3 feet from us, listening and watching, went to work in his Narcland brain.
A few weeks after that session, the narc sent me that screenshot of 2 social media accounts, they are on LinkedIn. My social media accounts were always a focus for him. I never had LinkedIn until he fired me. My sister encouraged me to join to rebuild professionally and find my old corporate contacts. Full of shame, I reached out to a few I knew would welcome me. I didn't post, I wasn't actively pursuing anything, I was just there on the platform relearning how to take up space.
When I had my own businesses, Facebook and Instagram are where I had success marketing my businesses and my personal brand. I didn't have time for more. I endlessly explained myself to the narc when he would lecture me about Facebook being for social friends and dating (he had a FB dating account when I met him), not a business. I explained I didn't use it for anything other than business. If I didn't have a business, I wouldn't have social media. He didn't quit torturing me with his lecture on how I should use my social media, so I signed out of all of it, except for LinkedIn (which is why he used LinkedIn in July, the other accounts were deactivated). Eliminating a pain point for him. Further isolating me.
Digging In
He followed the screenshot of his newly "found" accounts with a narrative of infidelity, suspicion, and vague accusations. Today, I can clearly see, it shows 2 fake accounts. He made those and then took a screenshot as his “evidence” and then in true narc form, in his first line, he outs himself. “These accounts are now gone”. Well, why are they gone, narc? Then he goes on to elaborate on a false narrative about suspicion, another affair of mine, and his final line, "Both had exactly one contact, what are the odds", he rhetorically asks.
Today, I can finally answer that question. The odds are pretty high that you are a covert narcissist and in my non-professional opinion, a complete psychopath who created those accounts. You were messy, you gave me 2 last names, added no pictures, there was no activity between the two people, and then you deleted them after your screenshot. Hardly evidence of anything except the projection of your own affair. Intuitively, I believe this was the beginning of his affair with Naomi (his new supply) on his own social media.
A Founder/CEO of a company has enough time to go online at night, create 2 fake accounts, link them together, and come up with a narrative about his wife & a professional she met 4 months earlier. The only words that come to mind are, what in the actual fuck? In reality, by mid-July I was on camera 24/7. Isolated to the house. Busy with the remaining 5 dogs. Not working. Not leaving the house on my own. That wasn't enough for him. He needed more supply, so he created this narrative, seemingly out of thin air. I didn’t get it then, I was consumed with shame and feared for innocent peoples relationships. The narc expertly exercised his control over me. Digging into his abusive tactics to gain supply, this text is what psychological abuse looks like. It was domestic abuse.
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