Finally, divorced. For the 2nd time. It wasn’t my plan, it wasn’t something I wanted in either relationship. The 6.5-month battle with the Narc isn't over. Not surprisingly, he has yet to pay out the prenup that we had in place and is now court-ordered. I know he asked his own Mother for the money. The settlement is through company funds to pay me out rather than investing in his brand, his employees, or his franchisees. Investing in a narc without a CFO in place seems like a risky business. Our prenup was written by his business attorney to ensure I could buy a house after I agreed to sell mine a few weeks before we got married. Coming out of the marriage, he said the prenup was to help me start my business again. No, that's not reality. My store and bar were still operating for 6 months after that document was signed. He had given the employees there an unsustainable raise, and I argued against it. He said his company would pay it until we signed the operating agreement for him to buy into my store. Also, a document his attorney had drafted. He said he wouldn't sign it until we got married. I went with good faith. He was marrying me, he was committed. He never signed the operating agreement. You cannot rewrite the truth. Unless of course, that is the truth and his plan was to shut down my business and it was a pre-meditated move. He knew his games. He had played them all before. The prenup does not cover the cost of rebuilding my store AND replacing my house. Especially amidst the winds of a tarnished reputation by his smear campaigns. Narcissists will rewrite the truth and history to suit themselves 10 out of 10 times. His team "published" this letter to the public from the grocery store's page. Showing superiority, he made sure it was on his company letterhead. It's empty promises.
I anticipated this day of freedom and I feared it. As many other survivors ask themselves, I question "Now what?". I am in a space of paralyzing freedom. My flight or fight response is to freeze. My trauma response is to hurry up and do something and not sit with the discomfort of uncertainty. I'm holding space for both responses. Psychologically and emotionally, I feel as if I have emerged from a 2-year dark energy vortex. The prison cell of shame and judgment I placed myself in for trusting his evil and being divorced twice is fading as I heal. Like other survivors, it takes months or even years to find yourself, rebuild your ability to trust yourself and others and believe there is still good in people. Meanwhile, the narc will keep on narcing without skipping a beat, denying their path of destruction exists, and rewriting history to avoid any blame and to gain supply.
Why don't I start again? I know what it took to start 10 years ago. I know the effort, the resources, and the energy. I don't have that energy back. I leave the door open for the word, yet. I'm still working to heal, take care of myself, and sort out the confusion he left in my personal world. And like so many other survivors of narcissistic abuse, I'm shaky in my ability to trust my judgment to know what's real and right. Also, I'm starting with fewer financial resources after cleaning up the financial abuse from him.
Strong Woman with Weak Boundaries
I know when I met him and was reeling from my first husband’s affair with my friend, 3 family deaths, and the small business stress from the COVID restrictions in 2020, I was not at my strongest. My self-awareness has always been high & I vocalized to him I was in a fog. He convinced me he cared about my grief, despair, and anger. We would help each other and he was a proven businessman that could help my business. He stated he needed help to stabilize his home and I needed to be loved. We would build a family. As I openly shared with him, he knew I was prime to fall into his trap and narcissistic abusive patterns. What he didn't know was my strength before I met him.
When I started researching narcissistic abuse in Nov ‘22, I was still hoping he would have a change of heart. I knew then what he did to me was morally and legally wrong. However, I still wanted him to build the dreams we talked about and that I committed to building. That would confirm what I felt was real. A part of my healing is coming to the acceptance none of it was real. It wasn't until I connected with Jen, Jodi, & Nikki that I realized I narrowly escaped a psychopath. We all did. I know now, I am fortunate to have only been in his narc trap for less than 2 years. Still, I often question, what the hell just happened.
We all think he might have a clue I have the strength to call him out, but I don’t think he will anticipate this kind of detail and vulnerable truth. He persistently refutes truth to rewrite his contorted inconsistent narcissist reality. He met me at a low and left me at my lowest. In a quest to control, he oppresses those around him. There are survivors, men, and women, out there still unsure of what they experienced. Still wanting to go back to their narc. Still on the roller coaster of extreme highs and lows. There are still others that have no idea what narc abuse is and for them, I continue to speak my experience. My personal conviction against domestic abuse, violence, and narcissism is stronger than ever. Domestic abuse isn't always physically visible, traceable with a legal record, or takes place in public view. My voice is loud with the other survivors standing behind me.
A Gift and A Curse
I’ve been told, “You cast a wide net for others to be completely themselves” and asked, “How do you manage to attract this kind of people?”. Both by yoga students, they address the duality of the same attribute. It can be a gift and a curse. In learning about narcissistic abuse, I’ve learned, I am a strong woman with weak boundaries. In other words, I have everything to give and I give it all. I take pride in my commitment, loyalty, and level of integrity. I showed up to love. Twice. And I still will. I am building my emotional capacity to cope, understand, and love myself with the same compassion and kindness I offer to others.
Why do narcissists target strong women (or men) with weak boundaries? These empathic people have more to lose, they have further to fall, and they offer empathy when they see red flags because they are confident they can help them stabilize the chaos. Seldom, without narc education, do they leave because they are also loyal. They are also a target because the narc knows these people have more to gain control over. Narcissism is all about feeling power and control over people, places, and things. A strong female (or male) with weak boundaries usually comes with a lot of potentials. Narcissists see people’s potential as competition. If they can’t destroy the potential, they steal it. He destroyed my businesses. He instructed his team to make a public statement on the social media page that it was closed for cleaning and that he would be opening a store later in the year. Public, Grandiose. Lies. On that same early February trip to shut my bar & store down, he shared with someone that we were getting divorced. He denied this until a few days before I left, and he half admitted "I may have mentioned marriage is difficult to someone". However, I first heard about our divorce in a text from my prior real estate agent shortly after his trip. Then a phone call from the local food inspector. He told someone. Denied it to me. Didn't file until June, didn't tell me, I found out from my attorney we didn't need to file, there was already a court hearing set. Unknown to me, he was already with the cleaning lady when he went on this early Feb trip. He knew good and well, he had discarded me and he was done with the town. His plan to destroy was complete as soon as he locked the doors behind him and this was his way to save face, publicly making a false promise.
Small Business Destroyer
The covert hypocrisy in this screenshot is astounding. In the same year, he coerced my 3 small businesses from me by promises of a family, only to shut them down, he wanted
the public to believe he is for entrepreneurs and small-town businesses. Of course, he "likes" that. A narcissistic tactic is a public projection to make others see them differently. When we wrote the offer to purchase the buildings on either side of mine, both of our names were listed. The closing was a few weeks after we were to get married. Within days of the closing, he switched the purchasing paperwork to read his shell company only. I let him know that did not feel good or honest to be last minute omitted. He smoothed it over by saying "we'll transfer them as soon as we start to redo them". He is now selling them at an unjustified gain. The new buyers are small-town small business owners. Firsthand, from the people buying them, they are paying the extra just to get him off the block. Even without knowing about his history, they can see through his mask. Jodi, his ex-girlfriend, a raw food chef, and who also was a small business owner, saw through him before he did the damage. He would stand in her café, just as he did at my studio, and comment on every guy that walked through the door, "he’s only coming because he wants you". He's so quick to devalue knowledge and skills. His dark energy sucks the life out of every conversation as he studies his prey and then weaponizes the conversation days, weeks, or even months later. Narcissist actions are not for entrepreneurs, small towns, small businesses, or anything that will help or serve the community. They are and will continue to be out for themselves.
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