What does healing look like after narcissist abuse? I had no idea what I just experienced, let alone know where to begin or how to pick up the pieces of my life. How could I put it into words (without sounding crazy) to someone who never experienced narcissistic abuse? I was completely bewildered, shattered, and didn’t recognize myself. Intuitively, I knew CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or talking this out wasn’t going to calm the hyper-vigilance and trembling in my nervous system or restore the deep self-doubt, or rebuild the lack of confidence. I had been through talk therapy in a few chapters of my life and it didn’t feel like it went deep enough for this trauma. I had uncovered a few core wounds of not feeling lovable and as a result, overworking for love in all relationships. I connected the dots. Logically, I could see my need to prove my value and worth drove me to be successful in a few areas of my life. So now what? How can I find my way through this self-limiting belief?
I have always been one to put in the hard, heavy-lifting work. I believe if I worked harder, I could resolve any situation. This coping mechanism came from my belief that I needed to achieve to be loved and be perfect. Knowing if I worked hard, and didn’t upset or cause disruption to the chaos around me, I could fly under the radar and keep the peace. I had talked myself through the traumatizing experiences in hopes love was on the other side. It wasn't. Subconsciously, I had been seeking outside validation for my achievements. Subconsciously, I was running from myself. Now with nowhere else to look, the only place I could turn was in.
Brainspotting
Immediately after leaving, my family encouraged me to talk to a therapist. Intuitively, I knew talking about the narc abuse wasn’t going to help me heal my nervous system response to the symptoms I was experiencing. It felt like someone offering 200mg of Tylenol for a debilitating migraine. Panic attacks, retreating out of sight, not wanting to be seen or heard, I didn’t feel at home in my skin and didn’t recognize myself. Everything I knew and relied on for support had shattered. In 2 years I lost 5 family members, dreams of my own family, a marriage, my businesses, decades-long friendships, and even my house. I did not have a sense of my identity. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what I wanted or even needed to do.
While still with the narc, I joined Alanon on Zoom. I could stay at home, join on my phone, have proof I was on Zoom, go off camera, stay on mute and simply listen. Even that turned into fits of jealousy for him. Despite his fits, I found that listening to a welcoming community helped me feel connected to an outside world. Otherwise, I was isolated. Still, I felt like the tools I found in Alanon were scrapping the iceberg of the core issues. While it helped me survive in the day-to-day and reconnect to God, it wasn't soothing the constant fire on my nervous system. Through some self-work, I no longer took responsibility for his behavior and addictions. I quit responding to his unacceptable behaviors. He noted the same. I now know it was less supply for him, which was infuriating to him.
His addictions and my reactions to them while still living with him didn't explain my panic attack at a yoga retreat 2 months after leaving. Even setting up in the back with a very supportive friend, I had to leave this session for fear of being seen.
I Googled reasons for panic attacks. PTSD was too general. I Googled types of PTSD and have NPSTD - Narcissist PTSD. Found it. Digging into narcissist abuse resources, I found survivor stories that detailed the same experiences and symptoms I was processing. I found Caroline Strawson’s podcast, The Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Podcast. I checked every symptom box in the narcissistic trauma survivor recovery list. She and several in her community recommended Brainspotting therapy. Sign me up. I was desperate to find my way out of this paralyzing freeze response.
I learned there are science-backed studies showing the lasting effects of physical, emotional, and psychological trauma live in our nervous system, well beyond the point of the trauma. Hence, we have “triggers” in our day-to-day lives or for some, PTSD. These trapped emotions are the root of auto-immune or neurological diseases. Our emotional response and actions to conditioned "triggers" are based on how we have processed or not processed the lasting effects of the trauma we experienced. I knew attending a yoga retreat was not a trigger pre-narc. I knew something deeper had occurred within me. An immense amount of trauma including gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting, and devaluation left behind shame, fear of being seen, being in a crowd, and being self-conscious and hyper-vigilance. All of which were lingering two months after I left.
Brainspotting is a healing therapy that accesses our amygdala through the movement of our eyes. Our amygdala is responsible for producing the fight-flight-freeze response in the brain. It processes fear and our stress response. By tracking eye movement and activation of our nervous system, we can find our emotional hot spots in our field of vision. This made complete sense to me. I found it incredibly difficult to make eye contact with anyone after I left him. The shame, fear, judgment, hyper-vigilance, worthlessness, hopelessness, isolation, and a ball of anxiety were all trapped within me. CBT or talk therapy largely helps to regulate the prefrontal cortex, our actions in response to our emotions. Returning to a talk therapist would be similar to going to a cardiologist and asking them to fix my toe. With Brainspotting, my healing journey had a beginning, and finally, I had hope.
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