Narcissists carefully study their prey during the love-bombing stage. They mirror empathy to get to know the most vulnerable parts of their partner. You might see this in their unending stares, deep questions about their past, what they like, or unyielding interest in daily routines. They will hold onto these studies and use them against their victim when they are ready to strike for supply.
They plan the break-up at the beginning of each relationship. Their timeline is flexible pending the quality of their supply. It is pre-meditated, calculated, and refined with each cycle. In this case, the Narc uses the exact same discard storyline and tactics in every relationship. Each partner will end up cheating on him. He will fish for anyone in his partner's daily life and will use the most vulnerable person as his bait. He will stop at nothing to prove his accusations, including confronting another couple without any evidence of concern.
His words and actions get better with every attempt to devalue. Why? Because he needs a better supply each time. Every narcissist is an addict, which means the supply temporarily fills the dark void inside of him. They do not and will not acknowledge any boundaries in order to gain this supply. They will do whatever it takes to get information on their prey and then find just the right time(s) to use it against them. Likely, right after a love bomb, which will create confusion.
Their tactics include installing cameras, tracking devices, snooping through phones, and physically trailing them. They will triangulate someone else into the relationship to gain information from them. Narcissists will rewrite reality, create narratives, and twist words to fill their lies. With covert narcissists, this is the calculated psychological and emotional abuse that often goes undetected by friends and family. Narcissists will then smear their victims by spewing these lies to anyone willing to listen. They will play victim, they will project the emotions of their victim to illicit empathy. Those that are not Narc-informed, will make excuses or use generic labels of "crazy", "unhealthy" or "unstable". The victims did, it's easy to do and feel sorry for. Once survivors and narc-informed outsiders can see the calculations, it's baffling to understand the pure evil behind it.
Jen's Experience, in her own words; Part 3
The Accusations Escalate
I had a hysterectomy as soon as we got back from Bonaire. I was terrified. I’d had one major surgery in my life. The Narc was amazing during this experience. He held my hand until I fell under anesthesia, and he was there when I woke up, took me home from the hospital the next day, and cared for me the 6 weeks post-op. I would turn to this memory with gratitude and love every time the going got rough.
Shortly after fully recuperating from the hysterectomy, the Narc and I had fallen into a comfortable routine. Little by little, I moved a lot of my stuff to his house. Clothes, my bike, trainer, shoes, my dog’s stuff, etc. The Narc was interested in buying a bigger house. He asked me to go along and look with him. I was excited to be included in a decision as big as this, thinking it may be “ours” someday, allowing myself to imagine myself marrying this guy! The Narc's brother had arrived from Thailand and moved into the basement. He seemed like a nice guy but the Narc was irritated and exasperated by his brother's “lazy” attitude. He complained about him constantly but then enabled him in everything he did. I liked his brother and felt the need to explain why I wasn’t working at the moment. I didn’t want his brother to think I was a freeloader living in the Narc's house and on his bank account. At this point, the kids and I had a struggling relationship, mainly with his son. His daughter and I tended to get along well. I was able to connect with her through some of my crafting, willingness to play board games, and my gymnastics background. His son on the other hand was challenging from day one. His tantrums and angry outbursts were frightening at times, and I felt sorry for the Narc being caught in a no-win situation with being unable to discipline and parent his kids for the risk of them turning to his ex-wife. It really was an impossible situation.
For this reason, when the Narc had the kids, I chose to exit the picture. I came to my house on the weeknights and weekends they were with him. He needed the time alone with them and selfishly I didn’t like being around them when they were not held responsible for anything and seemed to have no respect for anyone, including their parents. On one such weekend, I planned on going to dinner with my friend Caroline. The Narc went to dinner with his brother and the kids. When I got home, the Narc called to ask when I was coming over. I overate at dinner, so I wanted to take a walk before coming over. While on my walk, the Narc called again. I remember exactly where I was when he called. I was a little irritated because I had just talked to him and told him what I was doing and when I’d be over.
Fast forward one month, ONE MONTH, when it was another weekend he had the kids.
He called me to ask if he could come over. I was excited to see him because we hadn’t really seen much of each other that week. He arrived in my driveway and didn’t come in right away. I thought it odd and looked outside to see what was going on. The Narc was in the process of unloading his truck with all my belongings. I was confused, upset, and bewildered. What are you doing? He says, “Tell me who was that man in your driveway?” Completely befuddled, I asked what he was talking about. He starts referring to the above-mentioned night when I took my “walk” and he knows there was someone in my driveway and I got into the car with him! He had the details of his story down to a tee, claiming obviously I knew he was coming over because the dog didn’t bark, I sounded weird on the phone when he called, and all I had to do was tell him who it was.
My flight or fight response was in high gear, at a loss for words because the scenario he presented to me never happened. I tried rationalizing every detail: how do you know someone was in my driveway? (“I saw him when I drove by”), why did you drive by?, wouldn’t any normal person have stopped and seen who it was?, confronted the situation as it happened?, why are you just now bringing this up?, would I have left my garage door open? (I stewed over this detail for months trying to recount my every step that night!), did I take the dog with me? I was questioning my sanity trying to figure out how the Narc would have seen someone in my driveway, claiming he walked through my garage and into my house. Could the Narc have driven by and mistaken my neighbor’s house for my own? Could someone have been merely turning around in my driveway? I was not used to noting every detail of my life as the Narc demanded, and through screaming and sobbing I pleaded with him to believe me that there was no man in my driveway! He called me a liar and broke up with me that day.
I was devastated. I lost someone I loved and to make matters worse, he used this outlandish accusation as the reason! This breakup was the start of a cycle of accusation, anger, parting, then…he’d call or come by, shoulders sunk, face drawn, sometimes a half-hearted “I’m sorry”, what felt like a heartfelt hug, and just like that we’d be back together again. I came to expect him always to return. My sense of worth and psyche exploded to an ultimate high every time he came back.
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