A Narc deliberately gains psychological and emotional control over another for their supply. By the Narc refusing to acknowledge boundaries, the partner slowly gives up their autonomy. Resigned in their value system and reprogrammed by absolute exhaustion. In a healthy relationship, partners check in with curiosity and a common goal of building trust. In a healthy relationship, autonomy and professional boundaries are acknowledged and even supported and encouraged. However, the Narc's constant and unpredictable barrage of questions creates a trauma response of hyper-vigilance and self-doubt over time. Little by slowly, the partner negotiates away a piece of their self with every onset of questions. Becoming a witness to what they know is wrong, watching themselves on the daily roller coaster, not understanding the trauma bond, and being too confused and exhausted to leave. Emotionally, mentally and psychologically getting worn down until eventually, they don't recognize themselves.
Narcissism is not curable, per the experts. It would mean the narc would have to admit they are wrong, they would have to admit responsibility, accountability, and most of all, they would have to go to some sort of therapy. It would decimate their egos. In this case, the Narc stops at nothing to gain control in any situation. Triangulating, casting doubt based on his own narratives and self-led lies, and using smear campaigns to dig in further to assassinate good characters. Stalking, trailing, and, studying his prey. Not just his partner, but the vulnerable, unsuspecting ones he will twist into his narratives of infidelity. He has programmed himself to believe what he states is the truth and he is a victim. Admitting he was wrong and his narrative was abusive, and terrorizing others is not within his capacity. He will simply move to another city and repeat his pattern. The victims are too exhausted, confused, ashamed, fearful, and intimidated to speak out.
Jen's Experience, in her own words, Part 5
Triangulation
The Narc's insecurities bled into my professional life. Not only was he constantly calling me, demanding I should be leaving at exactly my quitting time…7:01, 5:01, and 11:31 (for lunch). He never understood why I had to stay later to finish up. The unknowns are bound to come up in my profession, it was rare for me to leave right on time. That led to incessant phone calls, a mere minute apart sometimes, asking if I was done yet. It often led to anger and frustration on my end, and the feeling of disrespect for what I do and the responsibilities I carry. Other times, the Narc would just pop in unannounced. I came to accept the fact that I knew he was checking up on me. Fine, my mind rationalized. When he pops in enough and sees that I’m actually WORKING and not screwing around, not talking to Tom, etc, then maybe he’ll relax. Nope, never. I was programmed to call him as soon as I left the office. I was programmed to give him a play-by-play if I went to a house call. Where was I going? Who else was I taking? How long would it take me? I had clients and work acquaintances that the Narc familiarized himself with, obsessing about when they would make appointments or stop by the office. Lyle Johnson, Matt the drug rep, Derrick the drug rep.
Derrick in particular became a huge obsession for the Narc. He’s been our drug rep for over 10 years. Admittedly, he’s a super nice guy and very easy on the eyes! However, he’s happily married! Our clinic enjoys his visits and he often takes us to lunch. Rewind to a time I didn’t know the Narc. Derrick and I actually went to the same CrossFit gym and attended the 6 am class. I quit after 3 months due to elbow pain but not before Derrick and I exchanged a conversation or two about some particular workouts. One such conversation occurred over a text when I texted him about a professional question about one of his products. Tom had given me his phone number saying he usually responds quickly if text. In the text, apparently, we exchanged some woes about how sore we were from the day’s particular workout, involving a rope climb. I mentioned I hadn’t climbed a rope since the 6th grade and I had rope burn on my thighs to prove it!
Fast forward back to the Narc in my life, and one of his sneaky, controlling behaviors was to snoop on my cell phone. He happened to run across this text conversation, I remind you at least 6 months before we were dating. He eventually brought it up how inappropriate it was and the sexual tone it held. Only the Narc would think this. From that point on, Derrick was on his radar, so much so that he memorized his phone number. He even reached out to Derrick’s wife on Facebook with concerns. No man in my life was safe from the Narc's scrutiny…the guy swimming next to me at the gym, the guy in yoga class, Lyle Johnson emailing me with a question about his dog, and sometimes even strangers. I got a phishing call from a number that turned out to be a guy named Sean. Sean ended up on the news for child endangerment and sex with a minor. The Narc noted the phone number one night during his nightly snooping (no, I never changed my password because that would look too suspicious…let him look, I had nothing to hide) and no surprise, I was accused of hooking up with this guy when he traced the number to him.
Unfortunately, another incident happened with Derrick. The Narc and I went to our favorite steak house to eat one night. We waited at the bar through a glass of wine and then got seated. As usual, I kept my eyes on the table or my plate, not willing to look around for fear of setting off the Narc's suspicions. My goal was always to get through dinner without the Narc suddenly looking behind him to “see what/who I was looking at.” He did this so often!
We got done with dinner and on the drive home, my phone dings to indicate a text. “How was dinner?” The Narc asked who it was and I replied honestly I didn’t know. He says “of course you do.” I denied knowing who it was and he says “it’s Derrick.” I replied to the text asking who it was and of course “This is Derrick.” My heart dropped. He went on to say he saw me at dinner and didn’t get a chance to say hi. I explained I didn’t have his number in my contacts and that dinner was great. He replied with what he got and what Kristy, his wife, ordered. I ended the conversation with “you can’t go wrong with CCs!” The Narc somehow turned an innocent night and conversation into one of deception and lying. Of course, I knew Derrick was there, he claimed. He sat across from us at the bar and stared at you the whole time, he continues. Believe me, I would have known Derrick was at the bar if he was there. Only 6 to 8 people can fit in at the bar. He was not there. Nor did I see him at the restaurant.
Another heated fight, me claiming my innocence, the Narc adamant of my lying and deceit. If only it had ended there. Months later, the Narc and I are once again eating out and he does one of his glances behind him to see who I’m looking at. It annoyed the hell out of me when he did this, so I called him out on it. I could be a bitch sometimes and I asked who did he think I was looking at, Derrick? The Narc turned in an instant into his cold, unyielding self and the rest of the night was miserable. I cried a lot, despite us continuing the evening by going to a bar to play darts. I stared out the window on the way home questioning why I was still with this guy when over half the time I was miserable. We turned into a neighborhood, veering off course from home. I was confused. But the alarm bells started going off in my head. This couldn’t be good.
A few streets later, we are pulling into a driveway and the Narc states he is going to talk to Derrick. Wow, we are at Derrick’s house! How did he even know where Derrick lived? The anger in me replied “Go ahead!” but deep down I was mortified and embarrassed. At least the Narc was about to look the fool, but this was a person I had to face professionally and the Narc had no business trespassing into that relationship. He stood at the door when both Derrick and Kristy answered, their faces pulled into furrowed brows. I sunk into the seat completely humiliated and disbelieving this was happening. I don’t remember the rest of the night. I’m sure I gave the Narc the silent treatment and life went on. Just another day in the life with the Narc. I did call Derrick the next day and profusely apologize and the apology was accepted.
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