The after-effects of living with a covert narcissist can be felt for months or even years. Our entire body and our brain are affected by the consistent stream of cortisol. As some come out of the trauma bond, withdrawal of cortisol can feel unsettling and nauseating in our everyday life. We crave peace and calm, however, when we have it, we click over to a hyper-vigilant state waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some survivors create chaos to fulfill the body’s craving for cortisol.
Long-term emotional and psychological abuse causes our brain to change how it processes information. In other words, the abuse can cause brain damage. Our hippocampus, deep in the temporal lobe of our brain, responsible for learning, memory, and spatial navigation gets damaged in our learned hyper-vigilance state - or long-term exposure to cortisol. A study by the University of New Orleans and Stanford University researchers found the longer the survivors stay in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, the more the hippocampus shrinks. Thus, survivors' PTSD symptoms include a loss of memory, focus, and cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance (confusion when one's beliefs are different than one's behavior) helps to explain why survivors stay in the relationship. The survivor knows what the Narc is doing is wrong, however, the Narc creates 2 realities for the survivor; Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. For the survivor, it becomes difficult to discern which is real. This constant state of confusion and stream of cortisol shrinks the hippocampus and enlarges the amygdala.
The amygdala regulates our flight or fight response, as well as controls the primal emotions of fear, love, hate, and lust. Our overactive amygdala is what “triggers” the flight or fight response while we are in the relationship as well as in our PTSD. Photos, smells, words, and anything resembling the traumatic events of the Narc will result in a shot of cortisol in the body. In an instant, we can be in a panic attack, short of breath with a racing heart. Every time this happens, cortisol shrinks the hippocampus and enlarges the amygdala.
How do we heal our hippocampus and shrink the amygdala?
It is not through talk therapy. I repeat, IT IS NOT THROUGH TALK THERAPY. Talk therapy helps regulate our Prefrontal Cortex. In the map of the brain, you would be going to a cardiologist and asking him to fix your foot.
Healing therapies that have proven to help regulate the hippocampus and amygdala:
EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing
Aromatherapy & Meditation
Performing Acts of Kindness
EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique
Brainspotting
I have done all, except EMDR, since I left the Narc. Brainspotting, which is an off-shoot from EMDR, has been my breakthrough. Processing shame and anger has been my focus in these sessions. I can feel my entire nervous system activate in a Brainspotting session. I immediately want to retreat, quit, and stuff the emotion back down. However, through my therapist's ability to hold space with her words, I can increase my capacity to sit with, hold, and then process my emotion to a tolerable level of activation. Building the capacity for my hippocampus to function feels like emotionally benching 300 lbs. Learning to process uncomfortable suppressed emotions is not easy. Getting through it takes so much time, inner coaching, and willingness to be extremely uncomfortable. A quote from Rumi comes to mind often, “the cure for the pain is in the pain”. First, I have to be courageous enough to sit with it.
Dog Whistling
Five months out from leaving him, I was grocery shopping. I intentionally took my time in the store and enjoyed the space to make decisions. I was standing and staring at pasta boxes. I touched my hair and it was as if something shocked my body. I dropped my hand, looked around, and only 1 lady was at the other end of the aisle. My nervous system had activated, and my heart was racing. It took me a few seconds to slow my breath and realize what had happened. The Narc had told me that when I touched my hair in public, I was being provocative. He called me on it in public of what I know now as "Dog Whistling".
Dog Whistling is a form of gaslighting. Something could be as innocent as a habit of touching your hair (not twirling it, I grab the ends and like two sticks, rub my fingers together). The Narc would do this motion in front of others and I would go into a heightened state of anxiety knowing that I was under his microscope. What he does in front of others looks completely innocent, it is meant to let me know I am under his control. And it worked.
We were at his brother's house on a summer evening sitting outside.
The kids wanted to walk the puppies to the front of the house and around the cul-de-sac. I heard the puppies start barking. I was the only one to get up and run to the front. As I came out of the fence, I saw they were barking at the neighbor's dog who was with the family of 4. It was the puppies' first encounter with a dog other than our own, so I squatted between the puppies to calm them down. The neighbor's dog still barking and secured on a leash. The neighbors began asking normal dog questions, "what type of breed, how old, and are they friendly". Out come the Narc, his brother, and his sister-in-law as I'm answering questions, holding the leashes, and trying to calm them down. My hyper-vigilant state hit. I knew I was in for a ride. The Narc's eyes flipped to reptilian darkness. After we started moving back to his brother's house, I couldn't keep from calling him out in front of his brother. It was a plea for help. On the 20 minutes home, all I heard was a devaluing narrative. Why didn't I introduce him, did I not want the neighbor to know I had a husband? (I didn't introduce myself, I knew better and had my hands full.) The Narc wanted to know why was I squatting and turning my body to the husband (the family was standing together), he wanted to know why would I get up and run to the front so quickly, did I know him? I hit a wall. I was not who he made me out to be. My emotional reaction was my only defense.
I can still feel my nervous system activate while reaching for my phone. While he was near me, I was hyper-vigilant and avoided touching my phone. I would keep myself busy and away from my phone in case he would check on me. If I had my phone he would accuse me of cheating and the devaluation spiral would begin. While in Florida, he left the AirBnB and came right back as a "test". He was to be gone for a few hours in meetings and I was with his daughter. She was sleeping. I didn't need my phone, I was trying to enjoy the quiet. I didn't have my phone near me, I was reading by the pool. However, because I didn't answer when he called 5 min after leaving, he turned around to see who was at the house. With or without my phone, I was in a no-win situation.
That same night, his daughter wanted to go get late-night ice cream. I had already showered, not wanting to go anywhere. She was insistent, so he took her. Again, I was reading, this time in bed. When they got back I saw him get his 2nd phone, the one he had bought to communicate with the cleaning lady, from the corner. He had left it on record. He wanted to see if I called a "lover" or talked bad about him to my family while he was gone. Determined to hear something, he stayed up listening to his new audio file. Sadly, there were only page flips. To his satisfaction, there was also an emotional reaction from me screaming W....T....F as I confronted him about I can't get away from his paranoia even on vacation. He can't even just go enjoy a date with his daughter, his paranoia voice was talking louder than anything else he could hear.
Logically, learning he had done all of this before helped alleviate the shame and isolation. However, my nervous system and responses had been programmed through his covert grooming, manipulation, and gaslighting. My nervous system can still feel the narcissistic abuse effects through mundane daily activities. One of my wisest yoga teachers always reminded me, "the only way out is through". With the right resources and intentions, I will reprogram and get to the other side.
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