Isolation.

This was one of the hardest posts for me to voice. Too ashamed to reach out to loved ones, I talked myself through the darkest moments with my well of hope and optimism. I would reason with myself, he was going through a tough time, and he will come back to the man I met. I know now he was never going to be the man I met. That person never existed. I can't judge myself for not knowing I was being pulled into his narcissistic abuse cycle. I didn't know about narcissist abuse and no one knows what they will do until it is or feels like a matter of survival. I was surviving.

A narcissist progressively isolates their supply. It can't be obvious. The ones closest would throw red flags. And so, it begins as a slow trickle of questions and manipulation that eventually leads to full control. I had an interesting social situation coming into this relationship. Two friendships, decades-long, had a very pivotal point. Ultimately, they picked the friend that was with my now ex-husband. I had other dear friends in faraway cities and kept in touch as much as an adult friendship could while being an entrepreneur. However, he saw, I could be easily isolated.

I've learned isolation is a narcissist's key tactic. The more the supply feels alone, the easier it is to manipulate and control them. This didn't happen overnight. First, the narcissist will play the victim and draw empathy from their supply. In my case, he was lonely. He had no friends. The 2 friends he had were kept away from him by his first boss. It was a sob story, he was the victim. I wanted to be sure he knew he was loved and I was loyal. I wanted to show him there was good in the world. Then the narcissist will use chaos. In my case, it was the chaos of his family, getting his hands in my business and future faking. He kept me distracted from my goals and my daily life. Running from one project to the next and never finishing any of them. Next, come subtle demeaning words and accusations. He was masterful. These were meant to make me question my words and actions and it worked. I doubted my ability to make decisions. Any concerns I voiced were met with, he was the more successful one, just let him coach me. I couldn't do things on my own, we had to be together. Then they incite public humiliation. This made me question my value and contribution. I began questioning my thoughts and my self-worth. I woke up in a prison cell of his making, it was exactly as he planned. I was dependent on him and in solitary confinement.

I will heal because your abuse and smear campaign will not cast a shadow on my ability to relate to others. Surviving your abuse deepened my compassion and gave me more empathy, grace, and a softer heart for humanity.

If Nobody Sees the Scars, is it Still Abuse?

I experienced a panic attack 8 weeks after leaving him. I was a participant in a day yoga retreat. A very safe space, full of loving, like-minded strangers. These entrepreneurs did not know my story. I could show up as me. I could feel my anxiety rise up and I found myself not wanting to speak to anyone as the group was trickling in. I quickly noted that was not me, I owned a yoga studio. I had hosted retreats. I talk to everyone, I love meeting new people. As the first class began, my entire nervous system said I had to leave. I bolted for the door. I took refuge in a quiet space and questioned everything. How did I become this person?

I know now, this was my somatic response to coming out of isolation. In the beginning, he wanted to know everyone on my phone. Everyone on my social media. I was happy to tell stories of how I knew everyone on the list. I was happy to introduce him to neighboring shops, my clients, and my family. Although physically present, he had lingering dark energy, and he never fully interacted. He would watch with intensity every interaction. I know now he was studying my every move. Like a lion, he was studying his prey. He knew he would eventually twist my words and weaponize these people against me.

By the end of the relationship, I had minimized my presence to serve his needs and create safety for me. I didn’t speak to anyone most days, I didn’t reach out to friends and didn’t respond to well-wishes from long-lost clients and acquaintances. I had nothing to hide, but he would spin any interaction into a sexual accusation. In a few cases that I tried to get on my feet professionally, I found out later he would go to the business. Two young couples that knew of my grocery store, trying to start their own. I could help. Then I found out he stalked the owners and accused me of cheating. He would stop at nothing to linger, spy, and stalk who he thought I was fucking on the side. He would walk around in stores, his phone out, and watch Airdrop contacts because he thought if I Airdropped strangers he wouldn't see it on my phone. Creepy. His theory was it is a way to hide communication. So he wanted to know who was around us. After he fired me, he began inviting employees to the house. It was a way to publicly humiliate me. This was all a show. He wanted me to know they were more important than me. I would become a ghost or completely disappear to avoid humiliation. After he made his point, he quit doing it.

In July, he called me 27 times in my 1-hour session at the gym. Why wouldn’t I answer him, he asked. It must be because you were in the back with your trainer. That "feeling" of his became a fact. It wasn't logical to think I was working out with a trainer. After that, I always had my phone. If he didn’t follow me, I would call as I was going into training or an appt and call as soon as I walked out. I would invite his daughter or sister-in-law, just so I had a witness. When he texted, I had to respond, regardless of what I was doing. To him, there was absolutely no logical reason why I wouldn’t. This picture is of a facial appointment. Had I not sent this picture of proof, it would mean he would either show up or continue to question where I had been. I had to immediately respond in order to not be accused of lying or being unfaithful. My entire life was on eggshells. This photo is psychological abuse.

It became clear he would negatively spin any communication I had with others. And so I began letting him know what I was typing and who I was typing to, he would say “That’s okay” as if I needed his approval to let my Mom know how I was doing. I began time stamping my days with photos, keeping receipts, and predicting his accusations. My attempt to use logic and explanations was fruitless. After answering his question for the tenth time, my emotional reaction was his supply. I’ve learned the narc will use the reaction to their abuse to build a character. “See, I can’t even ask you a question without you getting emotional.” The root of the issue becomes my reaction, not his insecurity and fear or even choice to abuse. Eventually, isolation is an easy decision to simply survive the day and keep acquaintances out of his chaos.

Early in the relationship, he would proclaim he would never lay a hand on me. He wore the "I won't physically abuse you" line like a badge of honor. Isn't that common courtesy? Why would you need to announce that? At the time, I thanked him for those words of safety. I felt confused about why he felt the need to clarify it. However, I know now he knew his other abusive patterns would show themselves. I’ve learned narcissistic abuse is a choice, the same as any other form of abuse. Although the bruises and wounding can not be seen, the abuse is still very real. Living in covert narcissism is a very confusing reality. He shows up as a good and decent person to the general public and generous to strangers. Behind closed doors, the covert narcissist is an emotional terrorist.