His half-sister (16 yrs younger than him) and I clicked. Before I met her via phone he told me she was lost in the world. He wanted to go to Miami over the 4th of July & so said he would send his son, his son's girlfriend, and his friend out to Colorado to stay with her. He asked her to offer him guidance and wanted him to find a role model for him. As soon as she started talking on the phone with compassion, grace, psychological understanding, and a willingness and strategy to help her nephew. I knew she was an empath and a giver in the world. She was giving her time, her attention, her compassion, and her love to help the situation. I could hear the concern in her voice. It was authentic. When I met her at the wedding we clicked with a sense of humor, curiosity for knowledge, adventure, and life. She came back in Dec '21 to spend the holidays with us. We could share intimately the details of our failures, and our life lessons, and offer each other grace. I found an incredibly supportive friend and a sister.
When things fell apart on NYE, I called her. I shared the shocking details with her about him wanting to fly me to the islands to watch me get f*cked. She began to wonder if something was really off with him and she missed the signs years ago. She shared a memory from when Jen & the narc were visiting Denver. Shortly upon arrival at their hotel, they had a blow-up fight that prompted the narc to call Katie last minute so he could be picked up. When Katie got there, Jen hugged her and whispered a plea "Get your brother the help he needs". It was her shared memory that prompted me to reach out to Jen for clarification of her comment 9 months later.
She was in Colorado and not as close to her brother as their brother was to try to talk to the narc and calm him down. She did what she could, willingly. When I left the narc, Katie kept checking on me. In the days/weeks after I left, she listened to me cry. I couldn’t make sense of what happened or why I felt the way I did. She very graciously held space for my confusion. She sent resources trying to help. Then when I found covert narcissism and began educating her on it, more light bulbs clicked on for her. I shared what I learned from each person as I began healing relationships. Our consistent communication and my shares helped her realize she had been manipulated and gaslit for so long by his narrative of others.
To support me on the scheduled divorce day she offered to come visit me. Turns out that he pushed the date out because of paperwork he didn't have done. Despite that, we had an adventure packed 5 days together. We toured around and laughed, talked, met up with friends, made new friends, played with the dogs, and I even drove her to her brother's the night before she flew out. This allowed me to see his family that I had grown close with while I was with the narc. That evening we played board games and laughed so hard all together. It was freeing for me to be in the same room as them and not be worrying about what the narc would say later. It was also incredibly sad to face the little hearts left wondering why I left. This is the grief that isn't talked about.
She hadn't even finished planning out her full trip when she received this text from the narc. Written like a true covert narcissist, he uses this list of tactics to triangulate and try to turn people against each other while coming off as a victim.
Triangulation Tactics
1. Intimidate/Blame - they often begin with this tactic to assert dominance and control over someone
2. Accuse/Project - to circumvent any accountability, the narc preempts the attack by accusing another person
3. Argue/Exhaust - to create confusion, the narc will pick a small detail and argue it to exhaustion
4. Deny/Rewrite - to avoid responsibility, this tactic often leaves the other person questioning themselves and their memory.
5. Fear/Avoid - their charisma is put to destructive use as they weave a believable story with an intense dreadful outcome
6. Escalation/Punishment - this method begins with an outburst over something very insignificant. Then, the narcissist exaggerates the point to incite the other person and draw their attention away from what really is happening
7. Rescue/Retreat - the narcissist rescues the other person from a dreadful situation. Having gained the other person's loyalty, the narcissist waits. Eventually, the other person confronts the narcissist about a lack of responsibility, and then the narcissist retreats. The withholding of love/attention/time is so dramatic that the other person becomes horrified and assumes responsibility so that the narcissist will return. Once secured, the narcissist then accuses the other person of not appreciating the rescue.
Line by Line
“I suppose you helped her get in touch by providing their phone numbers”. As if I wasn’t capable of using my brain to piece together how to find them? Katie had nothing to do with me getting in touch with Jen & Jodi. A quick Google search and the results were found in a matter of seconds. The narc himself gave me Nikki’s number to help coordinate pick-ups for his daughter. Why accuse and blame, narc?
“Not inquire about seeing Son or Daughter”, Her trip was during the week at the end of January. His daughter was still in school and 90 miles away, she knew it was near impossible to schedule and coordinate. His son is 19 years old. She no longer needs to go through the Narc to coordinate a time to see her nephew. Also, at 19 years old, healthy parenting would allow their adult son to speak and think for themselves. Not a narc parent though, that would mean they are losing control.
"Confidant for the situation?" The fantasy that you had a respectful, healthy relationship is not reality. You are rewriting history.
“Enjoy the gossip”? There are photos, witnesses, and the truth behind the stories of how you’ve traumatized a small village of people. It's not gossip when the truth comes to light. We talk in order to heal the trauma from the abuse we've endured from you. Try as you might, you cannot rewrite the choices you’ve repeatedly made. You cannot silence us.
"Just like Nikki" Now you triangulate Nikki into a situation and conversation that has nothing to do with her. Nothing. If you don't want us talking about you, quit repeatedly emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abusing people.
“A stranger you’ve only met once”? Narc, who is the stranger? You misspelled my name multiple times in that text. I am a stranger to you more than I am to your sister. Katie & I talked multiple times ahead of the wedding. She was helping counsel his son. You triangulated her into the gym clothes conversation. She offered to help you find ways to feel safe in the marriage. She recommended online relationship courses to help our marriage. Hardly a stranger at this point. My name is spelled with one L, narc.
“Priorities are out of line and incredibly immature”? This is a vague word salad meant to devalue her. You mean she isn't serving you? Narc, you haven’t reached out to her since her mother passed in Aug. You sent a generic Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas text while you spent it love-bombing your new supply. Do you want to discuss priorities and maturity?
“You’re not welcome here with or without Michelle as your intentions are devious.”
Definition of Devious: 1. showing a skillful use of underhanded tactics to achieve goals.
2. (of a route or journey) longer and less direct than the most straightforward way.
By narc definition, this is projection. A narc's intentions are devious. Also, quit flattering yourself, she didn’t contact you because she had no intention of trying to see you on this trip. There were no intentions except to come to have a girl's trip to her ex-sister-in-law with whom she developed a healthy, supporting, loving friendship. Her intentions were straightforward. Your interjecting in her intentions is devious. Making it all about you, triangulating your kids, ex-wife, and based on this text, you are the victim.
“I’ll never introduce or involve you in any future relationships in my life.” Spoken like a true covert narc living in fear and avoidance of the truth. Hiding the new supply from the Trail of Destruction.
“To reiterate you are not welcome on my property you will be trespassing, and I will call the police to have you removed.” This is intimidation. She never reached out to him, she had no intention of reaching out to him or showing up at his property. Why do you have to intimidate by calling the police, narc? Does this give you superiority in the relationship?
“Good luck to you and your future I hope it all works out for you.” What? Now you are a good guy?
“I’m in an extremely happy place and look forward to my future.” If that's the case, then get on with happy yourself and quit abusing the ones around you. Happy people don't threaten to call the cops on their sister. You are gaslighting yourself, narcissists don’t change. You are still in the same dark pit you’ve been in for 30 years. As I often repeated to you, you are so far into your own pit of shit, you don't even know you stink.
To the uninformed, this text message could have been dismissed as "You know how he is". A relatively healthy communication response could have been expressed as him being upset about not hearing from her without the intimidation, triangulation, devaluation, and dismissal of reality. However, in true covert narcissist form, he took the extra steps to feel superior because, on this particular trip, she wasn't serving him.
In January, I couldn't read the message and could only listen to Katie paraphrasing the text. It was so activating to my entire nervous system. Now, at the time I write this, I can laugh about him misspelling my name in January. I know now I meant nothing to him. I was his supply for a short amount of time. While I have a lifetime of healing in front of me from that 2 years, I also found a lifelong sister amidst the storm.
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