Mirroring in relationships is healthy. It is a natural way of connecting with others. Healthy mirroring happens over time. However, a narcissist uses a dark mirror. They begin mirroring in the first moments of meeting someone. The dark mirroring is a tactic they use to establish trust. His mirroring began in our very first conversation. He asked if I had kids, I said no, but I want one. He said, "I want a 2nd chance to build a family". He "always wanted a grocery store". He "loves yoga". He "always wanted to give back to a small town". He "wants someone to adventure, travel and live a simple life". He "always wanted to own a bar". He "loved getting up early and starting his day". He "always wanted to own a juice bar". Anything I had, he always wanted. Anything I liked, so did he. Music, food, fitness, etc. The supply feels validated, connected, and on the same wavelength as the narc. The supply shares genuinely, and the narc uses a dark mirror to build connection and trust. He was so convincing.
The question is why do narcissists do this?
They do not have a sense of identity, so they take from others
It is a way to win over the supply's trust and admiration
It is a way to fake intimacy and connection because otherwise, they cannot be intimate or relate to others
Eventually, in a narcissistic relationship, this mirroring becomes a weapon. The narc studies everything of value to the supply and their destruction list is set. They will destroy anything shared with them, fail to live up to everything they promise (it's called future faking) and in the end, they will assassinate the supply's character by criticism and devaluing.
8 weeks after we got married, I broke my leg. He saw my flaws and imperfections because I was no longer able to serve him. I was human. I had needs so, therefore, to him, I was broken and discarded. This was the abrupt end of his mirroring because narcissists only mirror what they perceive to be perfect. Once the supply becomes imperfect, it means they are ordinary. In the words of Brené Brown "Think of it (narcissism) as the shame-based fear of being ordinary". Just like the rest of us, they would have to admit they are flawed, nuanced, or complex beings.
When you stop pleasing people, people stop being pleased.
I broke my leg Oct 09 chasing after his dog, who was chasing his turkey. Just like that, the relationship changed. Everything I had done for him until that point came to an immediate halt. To the narcissist, I became a liability. I was non-weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Sitting still in that 6 weeks, a swell of stuffed emotions finally begin to surface. In 2020, I lost 3 family members in 119 days. Sudden and untimely. At the same timeframe, my ex left me for my friend. This sequence of loss took me into the shadows of grief. I ran from it for a year. I ran until I broke my leg. God has some dark humor sometimes. Hindsight is always 20/20, intuitively I know God said "Sit still, let me reveal a few lessons to you".
The covert narc began as a caretaker. Then, I pushed myself to travel with him, making long road trips while on crutches. It was everything I could do to keep up. I couldn’t place my finger on what was spiking my anxiety, a swell of emotions, the feeling of being completely helpless or watching utter chaos unfold around me. By the end of the entire ordeal, it was the holidays and then his narcissistic mask fell off on NYE. At the time, I had no idea the narcissist wasn’t the man he presented himself to be. So I went into people-pleasing and trying to fix things.
The Peter Pan overt narcissist I married in 2019 revealed he didn’t love me 3 months after the wedding. When I asked why he went through with it, he said: “because I knew I would never have to take care of you”. Brutally honest. It's true, I was strong, and independent - until grief hit me and I needed support. He found a new caretaker (my dear "friend" at the time) and left. My 2nd marriage was to a covert narcissist. When he had to take care of me, he took it personally. He used the opportunity to be a victim in the relationship. Taking zero responsibility for what I voiced as uncomfortable. Which was him repeatedly telling me he wanted to watch me get f*cked in the islands. He said it was my fault that he had to find a new supply and that the cleaning lady was only convenient for him while I was stationary and couldn't physically serve him. In my situational depression, I couldn't offer the emotion he needed as a supply. He couldn’t offer empathy, because he couldn’t mirror my empathy back to me. He couldn’t offer love because he couldn’t mirror my love back to me. He had nothing to feed off of me. He began to discard me and tell me it was my fault. In true narcissist form, he then masterminded chaos and drama so he could feed off my emotional roller coaster.
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