Healthy closure in narcissistic abuse is not possible. In the discard stage, the narc will leave the survivor without thought or need for closure. They’ve already moved on. Your needs are not important to them. The lack of answers keeps their narc supply going, they feel empowered by the confusion and chaos they have created. They leave everyone in a state of confusion so it’s harder to prove what they’ve done and said. Survivors often don’t reach out to others due to their shame and fear of being judged as crazy. It’s a perpetual cycle that enables the narc to continue on their path of destruction.
In the last week, I’ve met and had healing conversations with my old realtor, the narc’s son's ex-girlfriend, and the manager he hired to run my store. My nerves are activated when I reach out. There’s a small voice that speaks from the confusion and self-doubt, what if you remembered it wrong? What if he was a different person to them? What if you are the crazy one? Each time, that voice is wrong. Each time I reach out, we are able to fill in the big question marks the narc relies on to create his reality. Narcs need the confusion and chaos to keep their mask on. Clearing the energy with a repairing conversation and rebuilding the relationships takes so much emotional courage and strength. Ultimately, I am finding peace with each conversation. A step closer to healing from covert narcissistic abuse.
Steps to Healing
While still married to the narc, my realtor was the first person to tell me I was getting divorced. At the time she lived 90 miles from us. I had a long-standing relationship with her. She guided me through 9 transactions. In healing, I now know she was simply collateral damage in the narc situation. He used her to smear me and told her we were getting divorced in early February 2022. She then texted me to ask what I needed to sell. I asked why I would need to sell anything and she responded “Because you are getting divorced”. I showed the narc this message the night he came home from shutting down my businesses (read Devalued) and he called her and backtracked on his words earlier that day. He then devalued her to me and told me she was a terrible agent. In usual narc form, he used an example of her showing my house with a wet/dry vac out in the basement. Why would there be a wet/dry vacuum out? Well, the basement stairs in my house needed some work. In the love-bombing stage, the narc attempted to re-do the stairs. Even before I agreed to go on a date with him.
He made it ½ way down the staircase and quit the project and left the mess, tools, and all “for the next person”. A few months went by and because I was in his world, we didn't go back to that house often. In narc reality, he lost interest and was in over his head on the project. At the point he left them, we couldn’t even safely get to the basement. Finally, we had to find a contractor to hire to finish the project before listing the house and that guy had to redo the entire staircase. As a professional, he cleaned his mess. However, the wet/dry vac was still out from the narc. He then shifted the blame to the realtor for it being out. He never once addressed his inability and lack of follow-through for not finishing the project or going to collect his own tools. This was a theme throughout the relationship. It's a narc red flag.
On this side of the relationship, I knew my realtor wouldn’t make up hearing I was getting divorced. I knew she was responding to something he had said when he went and shut my businesses down. Of course, he denied saying anything. And then she heard the control in his words from that phone call to backtrack what he had said. After our conversation, she had no idea she was the first to tell me and she had no idea he hadn't filed. Despite the narc's best efforts to destroy it, we had a great conversation to begin to reestablish our relationship.
I met with the narc’s sons’ ex-girlfriend. As with everyone, I wanted to offer her truth and closure. She traveled with us, went to dinners with us, was at the house nearly every day, helped me raise the litter of puppies, and saw some really dark moments. I had met her family, I knew what she witnessed wasn’t familiar to her own childhood. She confirmed the same. She said she knew little bits of every story, but not the full story of anything. It was a very open conversation and healing for both of us. She knew I was not the person he made me out to be. She saw the common denominator of each of the narc's stories.
There were many ah-ha moments for her. For example, the night of his wild accusation of my affair (read Bewildered), she woke up in the middle of the night to get water for the new graduated kids downstairs. She was constantly caretaking, she is a natural nurturer and wise beyond her years. Before she came up, she covered the 2 boys up with blankets who were sleeping on the basement couch. She came up to get water and wasn't quiet as she put ice in the glasses. She heard feet shuffling from the back hallway. The narc was wandering around completely naked with his phone. She said he didn't notice her until he turned the corner and had his phone as his light and quickly turned back around without a word spoken. He knew there were kids in the basement. He was creating and living a reality that only existed in his head that night. It will be forever maddening to know he will sacrifice his own child's well-being and social life to serve his needs. It is forever maddening he will bring his child's friends into the abusive narrative.
Each person has their own story on his Trail of Destruction. He consistently uses people, places, and things to serve his needs. I now see his need to pit people against each other and keep them divided. These are small instances that can be pushed aside. However, when we all come together to share our experiences with the narcissist, it paints a story of darkness. When we come together our light destroys his mask as the public persona he claims to be. He doesn't want us to talk. His flying monkeys want us to move on without question. It keeps their days calmer. As for the narc, when the truth comes to light, it certainly becomes more difficult to find everyday supply as others become educated about who he really is.
Comments