Narcissists look at every relationship and interaction as a transaction. Meaning, they must receive something from everyone in their life. Everyone serves a purpose and whether they know it or not, they are taking part in a transaction. When the narc no longer feels their purpose is being served, they devalue or discard the person. It doesn’t matter if they are family, colleagues, their own children, or pets. What could the narc possibly be receiving? Sex, admiration, power, control, sympathy, an emotional punching bag or sense of superiority to name a few. The list is endless. Transactionship is rooted in their complex of being special, their inflated sense of self, or their "ego". At the point they switch their mind about a person being all good to all bad, there is little to no chance they will switch back, especially with romantic partners.
This is the subtle, sometimes, passive aggressive manipulation by a covert narcissist. If the narcissist is in communication with someone, they believe they are receiving something from that person. As soon as I learned about narcissism, I had an AH-HA moment. When I became loud, frustrated, and even emotional about his "question" turned accusation for the 10th time in a week, he would watch without any empathy or retraction of his accusations and lies. What could he possibly enjoy about seeing me in distress? Everything. I was his supply. He would walk away, seemingly completely satisfied, while I was left bewildered, emotionally drained, and beating myself up for upsetting him. Why are we still discussing this concern of his? I had already thrown away my "provocative" gym clothes, signed out of social media, quit moving my eyes in crowds and it still wasn't enough. When I called him out later, he would shift the blame on me. Had I not become emotional, we could have a calm conversation. I had no clue I was taking part in a repeated transaction. I was giving and he was taking, until I was absolutely drained.
An Endless List of Transactions
As I continued to observe his interactions, it became clear he did not have the capacity to relate to anyone on a mundane everyday activity level. He would hijack conversations and turn them into business, his unsolicited advice, his "me too" story, or his sob story. I called him out for not listening. He then started saying "I'm going to shut up because I've been told I talk too much". He had no friends. Only employees that he used to spread his personal sob stories. His family relationships were not fluid. They were for show, to boost his ego, and to flaunt how much success he has found. He offered many people a job to be seen as "the good guy" and the flip side of that was it would make them financially dependent on him. When hired, he got to decide their worth, their value, and their schedule and they in return would offer admiration or supply.
We went to a birthday party for our friend who married us. Rather than mingle at the party to talk about our connection with the birthday girl or get to know people, he was offering jobs to a few girls who were successful entrepreneurs. After noticing they were cornered, the birthday girl nudged me. I went in and redirected his inappropriate behavior. He was seemingly unaware of his inability to authentically connect to any single person in the crowd. By the end of the night, everyone was creeped out by "that guy". Transaction: Superiority.
He would repeatedly tell one of his employee's husbands to call him and they would meet up for a drink. As soon as the husband would call he wouldn't answer and follow up with demeaning language of how they both are just COGS (meaning, just a spoke in his wheel). I realized it was never a sincere invitation. He looked down on them. Transaction: Looking like a good guy.
Another example I saw firsthand: He offered the cleaning lady a job running his yacht company in Florida. (Maybe my first red flag in their affair.) He doesn't have a yacht company in Florida nor does she know anything about yachts. However, the conversation was ongoing. Another one: He offered a young twenty-something at the landscape company a job running construction for his company, "Building My Franchises". The kid jumped on it. He had a pregnant wife and they needed benefits. The kid came to our house to help lay flooring and was fired on day 1. He had already quit his other job. I could see the narc was impulsive. Irresponsible. Embarrassing and had a lack of empathy. He said it was all the guy's fault because he didn't know how to lay a floor. Why are you offering jobs without checking resumes and references? Transaction: Admiration.
His middle brother and successful franchisee bought a new house. I'm talking about a very expensive house. With tears in his eyes, I heard him comment "I've made so many people millionaires in this world". While he has had success, he discounted his teams or anyone else's efforts, time, education, budget management, and grit. They owed him.
Before we got married he stated in the kitchen "Everyone is going to think you only want to be with me because I'm the Real Pickleman". It struck me as an odd reference to himself. I loved the person he mirrored and pretended to be. I was loyal, I was committed to him and his kids. I know now, that that was his covert way to place me below him. It's clear now, he believed himself to be superior to me. Transaction: Superiority
I watched him spend thousands of dollars on his daughter’s 15th birthday. Travel, dinners, and shopping sprees. Checking out at the last store, he turned and asked his daughter “Okay, now when are you moving in?” followed by her eye roll. He then dug deeper, “I won’t buy you a car unless you move in”. I could see this girl wanted time, attention, and love. On that day she settled for clothes. He repeatedly said his daughter isn't getting a dime until her mother dies because she will in turn take care of her mother, his ex-wife. If the transaction didn't end in his favor, he was willing to sacrifice the well-being of his child to get at his ex-wife. Transaction: Control
To his youngest brother who isn't involved in the business and is independently and wildly successful, he said “I can make you a millionaire”. His brother confidently responded, “I already am one”. It was an immediate blow to his narcissist tactics. He wanted to suck everyone into his web. He was unable to truly recognize independent success. Before I arrived, his father temporarily moved in as a mutually advantageous living situation. One day his father offered advice to him regarding his grandson. He proudly retorted and continued to tell the story "Look around, do you think I need your advice on anything?". Because he had a big mortgage, in his mind, it made him the superior person. Transaction: Grandiosity.
The 2 friends he scared up in the beginning of our relationship he had known since high school. Nearly every conversation would turn into recruiting them to work for him. It couldn't simply be about life, memories, or reconnecting. He needed them to need him. He claimed and repeatedly told anyone who would listen, that he was the reason either of them were successful. He takes claim to saving them from a dead-end job in college. If that was it, great. However, in telling the story, he also takes responsibility for their career and success. No credit is given to their capabilities or hard work at their jobs. Never calling to check in on them, plan a weekend, or rekindle lost relationships. Transaction: They owed him.
When I fractured my leg, I became useless to him. I couldn't serve his needs. And to a narc, if the person isn’t bringing something to the table to benefit the narcissist, the narc is ready and willing to discard them. They will find a way to bring the attention back to themselves.
Two weeks after I could drive again, we ordered Thai food from the same restaurant we always did. He took the dogs on a walk immediately after eating and came back claiming he was having a heart attack. His brother had just been to a cardiologist. He said I needed to drive him to the ER right now because he was poisoned by the same Thai take-out dish I ate from OR it was a heart attack. I said let's slow down and breathe. I wasn't feeling any food poisoning symptoms, so I thought poisoning was out of the question. I suggested maybe he walked too fast. He accused me of watching him die. I found myself driving him to the E.R. He was accusing me all the way to the ER of letting him die. Here he is in the ER loving life because he is back in the center of attention. He is on the phone with his brother, mirroring him and saying "Me too". His heart rate was coming down, and his breathing and vitals were normal. When he asked the nurse for a cup of water, she responded "Oh no, if you are having a heart attack, we can't give you anything until you see the Dr". Well that was that. He pulled off all the cords and signed a release and we left. No heart attack, no poisoning, nurses couldn't serve him. Transaction: Serve me.
The examples are endless.
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