As I spoke to my attorney about the cameras in the house, he asked “you were aware he was filming you”....me ”yes”.....him: ”so you were compliant?”. I went quiet. I get his point. I understand the logic he was using. It overlooks psychological abuse. It discounts the power of his narcissistic manipulative tactics. It’s implying that I was in agreement, when, in fact, I was too emotionally exhausted to protest. My words would have fallen on deaf ears and ended in demeaning accusations. I was isolated and too embarrassed to share with my family that the way he treated me was the exact opposite of what he promised. I stayed with a sliver of optimism that he would come back to the man I married. I prayed daily for the ability to love him how he needed to be loved so he would want to treat me with respect. With every day that passed, I negotiated away another piece of me. In the court of law, they assume I stayed because I was in agreement. There were no scars and no death threats to prove otherwise. The legal system is typically black and white. How do you prove something you can't see?
The Roller Coaster
I was unaware of the term "trauma bond" until I began educating myself on narcissist abuse. Trauma bonds are a direct result of cyclical psychological or emotional abuse. As an example, devaluing statements or behaviors followed by positive reinforcement. This cycle goes undetected to family and friends and happens behind closed doors. A neurobiological response to the abuse produces hormones that are released with each cycle.
Oxytocin, also known as the love or bonding hormone. This is produced in the high of the love-bombing stage. The victim feels good and the narcissist gains his supply through admiration.
Endogenous opioids are nervous system receptors that regulate pleasure, pain, withdrawal, and dependence. These receptors play a key role in survival, pain relief and also play a critical role in social acceptance or rejection. The deregulation of these happen in the devaluing stage.
Corticotropin-releasing hormone or cortisol (withdrawal, stress) is also released in the devaluing stage. Physical illness, mental fogginess, adrenal fatigue, and exhaustion will occur with ongoing high cortisol levels.
Dopamine is the hormone that tells the brain to "do it again" (craving, seeking, wanting). Dopamine is released with bread-crumbing or intermittent positive reinforcements. Dopamine flows more readily on an unpredictable timing vs conditionally. This unpredictable timing is how a narc hooks their victim.
There is a science-backed explanation for why I didn’t leave. Our nervous system becomes bonded or addicted to this cycle of hormones. In short, it is the love-bombing and devaluing stages. The highs and lows could take place by minute, hour, or daily. Never knowing when the bottom was going to drop out created my hyper-vigilance cortisol or adrenaline response. On the flip side, never knowing when he would pretend to respect or love me, the dopamine hits would keep me coming back for more. With the narc, I was married to and the women before me all noted we could see a flicker in his eyes when he went dark. At that point, we knew we needed to brace ourselves.
Psychological and emotional abuse happens behind closed doors. The narcissist will want it to stay that way. The victim, assuming the blame, will be too ashamed and embarrassed to share it with loved ones. Any attempt to seek help or therapy will result in an argument, shifting of blame, and result in an emotional hangover. “I’m only this way because I love you” or “If you were different, I wouldn’t act this way”. The narcissist will not hear the victim’s boundaries or cries for the devaluing to stop. To keep peace and reconcile my sanity, I offered excuses for him. I covered for him with his kids. I would try to offer them a perspective that he was stressed or had a lot on his plate and made irrational decisions. I was playing the long game, I was financially dependent on him, and I had dismantled my life to follow a promise he made. If his promises were empty, that reflects a poor judgment on my part. Quietly, I questioned, how could I have not seen this before I married him?
In this photo, I knew he had just arrived home from a Vegas trip with his "work girl" employees where he didn't respond to any of my attempts to talk or text for 5 days. He was busy, he explained. "Busy" with other girls. Unknown to me at the time of this photo, he had showered his work girls with concerts, food, and spending cash to gain their admiration. During the same trip, he texted "I love you" and selfies to the cleaning lady non-stop. Then he came home and in 2 days he offered me this hit of dopamine and a date to me. None of his affection was real, it was mirrored. The only real thing happening was the emotional and psychological roller coaster. This picture is deliberate, calculated psychological and emotional abuse. Personally, I believe this is how the devil in human skin looks. This is a covert narcissist.
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