In Feb 2022, after he shuttered my businesses and then fired me from his company, I had no personal money. He had my credit card maxed out and paid the monthly minimum. I could spend on his debit card for groceries, dogs, and his kids. Once he started to insist that his team begin to work from our home all day, I went into hiding. I moved my daily food, drink, and even some clothes to the basement so I could move around undetected in the house. I sat in parking lots for hours on end because it was too cold to walk. Then I begged him for a place I could go and hide, so I joined tennis and found a personal trainer referral through my chiropractor to help build strength back in my broken leg. He told me that no shopping for myself was temporary, he just needed to slow the finances down. He had bought the cleaning lady a car and wrote checks to the politicians.
The clothing I wore before, when, and after I met him was yoga clothes. And because I am cold 24/7, I always have layers, even in the summer. I was in my warm studio 12 hours a day. My first career was in fashion. I love clothes. I love making them. I loved working with the factories. When I was in 4th grade I declared, I was going to get paid to go shopping. And I did just that, all over the world.
While we were dating, he would stand outside my studio door lingering over my lessons. My clients were all 55+ years old, married, grandparents, professionals, and paying $75/hr for yoga therapy for joint replacements and back pain. At the end of the day, his comments consistently were "It's cute how those old men just come to look at you".
While love-bombing me, he wanted to come shopping with me, he wanted to pick out outfits for me. He sat in the fitting rooms while I tried on everything. I loved it. He seemed interested and engaged in my passion. I loved trying on everything, I always have. Little did I know, he was grooming me. Studying me. Robbing me of my confidence and autonomy. Even for our wedding, he went wedding dress shopping with me. At the time, we were spending 24/7 together, dreaming, building, and doing. It felt real. Again, he was grooming me. Isolating me. Controlling me. I see it now.
Slowly, insidiously, while I was dating him the clothes I wore became an unpredictable abusive narrative. He would point out and buy me ridiculous skimpy tops that he wanted me to wear on his Catamaran one day. Then he would make small comments regarding waistlines and skirt lengths that I would compartmentalize and adjust to help him feel safe. (I have a long torso so my waistline visually sits low.) The hot and cold commentary became unpredictable and I started relying on his approval before we left the house. It was a way I felt I could minimize the tension. I didn't know it was compromising myself. As I started buying longer shorts, less form-fitting dresses, and avoiding anything tight-fitting whatsoever, it was never enough for him. I quit enjoying shopping. I quit looking altogether.
In July 2022, we went shopping for his daughter's birthday. I tried to stay positive. In the first store, I tried on a trendy 70's style, button-fly, high-waisted pair of pants that felt like a corset. I liked them. I walked out of the fitting room and he said "See, that is an appropriate waistline for you." I took them off and refused everything he suggested for the rest of the day. He pretended to not understand and told me to stop being difficult. I was slowly understanding it was abuse. This is manipulative control.
Gym Paparazzi
After catching him at the hotel with the cleaning lady, he began to focus on my gym schedule and clothes. I was 4 months out from fracturing my leg with 7 weeks of non-weight bearing when I found the trainer. No physical therapy was recommended. I had to find a solution; I felt weak. (I know now also common while surviving narc abuse.)
I found a personal trainer with a functional movement background as my solution. In a boutique and professional gym, the narc started showing up to my sessions. Canceling business meetings to get there. He stood in my personal training session with his phone out taking photos of my every move. His explanation of holding his phone out like he was the gym paparazzi was so he could “coach me” at home. We all know the gym creeps. The ones that stare at you while you do you. You can only imagine how psychologically torturous this was and the stares he got from just standing in street clothes with his phone out. Yes, I brought the gym creep with me.
A full 3 weeks went by before he brought up his "concerns". This delayed conversation is a typical narc tactic to keep you in confusion and hyper-vigilance. See, the narc said “Your shorts are too low. Your T-shirt isn't long enough.” He continued to spit his opinions, which in Narcland are facts. He claimed, I only went to the gym to get more sexy. I went for validation. I shouldn’t wear shorts around the kids at the house because they “showed off my pussy”. Mind you these were shorts with underwear built in. After this, I began putting together outfits that would pass the raised arm and below-the-fingertip tests. I would show him before I walked out of the bedroom. It was never enough.
In this session, we were trying to rehab my left shoulder which was in pain. This is the shoulder where he tore 3 ligaments while pulling his "marketing" phone from my grip. I couldn't tell my trainer what happened. I was embarrassed and protecting my abuser. The narc stood there knowing why my shoulder hurt without any remorse taking photos of my clothes.
I remember I had to hold a yoga block against the wall to try to strengthen the shoulder. While doing that, this is the screenshot the narc took. A few weeks later he sent this screenshot to his sister to ask if she agreed with my clothing choice at the gym. Triangulation. Manipulative narrative. You can see by the camera reel at the bottom of the screen he was digging for anything he could spin into an absurd narrative.
While he was watching later in the same session, we were working on shoulder strengthening again in a Walking Down dog. From a down dog, walking out to a plank, and walking forward to a down dog. In the end, I showed my handstand against the wall for a split second. I couldn't hold it from the sharp jab of pain. My shoulder was too weak. It was a drill that resembled yoga. It was so natural for me to try. The narc went completely sideways while following me home, he called me to tell me how inappropriate I was. That handstand was unacceptable. I was just showing off for validation. It became the point of a circular conversation that never ended.
After he called me 27x during the 1-hour session that he couldn't get to, I took his daughter when I could. I took his sister-in-law to help buffer the tension. I last minute canceled the sessions when the narc would harass me about going. I would beg him to let me try to build my strength back. It was exhausting to try to take care of myself. He asked for a printout of all the times I had been there.
I requested one thinking that would help ease his concerns. He spun that into how many times I've cheated on him narrative and questioned every single date and time. I found out the gym had security cameras and offered to get footage during the times he endlessly questioned. I ended up pulling this out of the garbage can and promised myself, this will never happen again.
After another circular conversation, I threw away 3 pairs of these 2.5" inseam shorts after he blew up for what seemed like the 100th time. He claimed it wasn't necessary. He said he only wanted to voice his concerns. He only wanted a wife that would dress appropriately. He only wanted a wife that didn't need to go to the gym for validation. He wanted a wife that would be loyal. He specifically asked me "Are you going to be going to the gym forever?". I had to explain to him, yes, in fact, I will. I will be forever going to the gym because I value my health, physical strength, and mental health, and at times, I need a motivator to help me. Especially when I have a covert narcissist telling me I'm not worth it. Narcissists don't want you to feel strong. They will do whatever it takes to control you and weaken your grip on reality, and ability to care for yourself. They want you dependent on them. Insecure like them. Unhealthy like them. They will rob you of motivation. They know that is how they keep you with low self-esteem and easily controlled.
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