The term “word salad” refers to a circular language tactic used by one individual to ensure that talks never end positively for the other. It is a technique for exerting influence over another person’s views or ideas, emotional response, or access to information (www.abusewarrior.com).
Here are the signs I’ve learned that warn a Narc Word Salad is being tossed around.
No Logic
Repeated Words and Circular Conversations
Overgeneralization due to their black & white thinking (a narc's mind doesn't register strengths AND weaknesses OR that 2 things can be true at once)
Projection & Gaslighting
Blame-shifting
Win or Lose due to their Black & White thinking
Rage
Why this controlling tactic works.
The Narc will present a long, yet confusing speech that makes no sense to the logical mind.
The survivor's confused mind defaults to flight, fight, freeze, or fawn.
The false narrative and accusations of very pinpointed moments make the survivor feel powerless.
Leaves a complete loss for words - this trance or confusion, where logic does not work, makes the survivor feel their perception of reality is turned upside down and they lose their sense of self.
His Mask Fell Off
I had no idea what hit me when I read these words from The Narc. We were supposed to be leaving the next day for a week in Florida with his extended family. This letter (seemingly) came out of nowhere 5 days after writing me a note promising me a family of my own and a chance for a baby. My emotional whiplash from this letter was absolutely earth-shattering. I remember the day started manically. He hadn't slept. I couldn’t make sense of his words, so I asked him to write them down. Minutes later, this letter was handed to me. What I now know as Narcissistic Word Salad crushed me on New Year’s Eve. Bewildered. Baffled. Crushed. Devastated. He left and I sat in absolute disbelief. I called my therapist. He came back later and accused me of lusting after so many males. He didn’t stop with the devaluation. He didn’t listen to my pleas to stop and offer to use some logic. It became clear his narrative was the only thing that was going to be accepted. His words twisted reality in a way that I never experienced prior to this episode. The projection tactic was new to me. I know now, on this day, his Narc mask had fallen off.
Concerned for the Narc’s sanity and my reality, I called his mom and brother. His Mom deflected to this brother. I took pictures of the letter to send to his brother. Is this a reasonable letter? Has he done this before? Is this something that was normal for him? Honestly, WTF just happened? I am by no means perfect and I was by no means the person he painted me to be. I know today, a Narc will carefully study their prey, and bring up pointed events weeks or even months later to use them against them. He had been studying me. For example, putting chapstick on in public immediately became a hyper-vigilant moment from here forward because he had "concerns" about it being provocative. What was a mundane, rather habitual thing for me, was such a big deal to him as he put it in this letter more than 2 months later.
Determined to work through this letter, I naively tried to explain the projection. This wasn't me, it was you. I don't track you, you track me. We share locations with each other based on your request. You named your phone "usethisone", it's not a network. I don't know how to set up networks, I'm not in the 3% of the IT population, and I'm not even technologically advanced. My yoga online was a simple app called Switcher Studio. I don't worry about your phone, you asked me to write out your emails. I didn't ask for your business credit card, you handed it to me. I went early to the store to get ingredients for Christmas cookie baking with your entire family. I know today, using logic was never going to work. To this day, I ask myself, where do I start unraveling his words? I know now the projection in this letter is psychological abuse, but that fact doesn't make it any less difficult to digest.
Once he knew he had a reaction from me, he had his supply. In his black-and-white world, I had now become devalued and discarded. These accusations came flying at me on a weekly and often daily basis. As he gained control over me, I sat in an internal cell of shame. It wasn't overnight, his narcissistic tactics and control were insidious. He would go in circles and then say we couldn't have a conversation because I would get emotional. In fact, 8 months later, we were still having many of these conversations in this letter. As I reached out to his brother for help, he would explain his understanding of the narc's narrative, "well you get emotional". Yes, I agreed, and tell me, have you ever been repeatedly poked and not had a reaction? Show me that person, I would reply. My healing today is accepting these were his repetitive abusive choices and that his behavior is not a reflection of me. My reactions were not the problem. His psychological and emotional abuse choices are the problem.
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