I reached out to Jen. The experiences we had in our time with him ran parallel to each other. She has been such a source of kindness and love since we talked. She has lit my healing path with strength and encouragement. Since the day she walked away from him, she shouldered the shame and anger from his abuse until we talked. It was such a healing conversation for her and me.
For narcissistic abuse survivors, isolation and lack of self-esteem can really hinder our ability to heal. The learned hyper-vigilance and confusion we come away with making it harder to acclimate to daily life. This unlikely sisterhood has been an unexpected bright spot in my journey. The following is in her own words.
Same tactics, different woman.
I spent 4 years of my life in your clutches. Admittedly, you gave me plenty of chances to leave, but I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame and you fed on my emotional chaos. I’d seen the kind, funny, loving person you could be and I fought like hell to find my way back to that guy. It was a constant push and pull, the highest highs and the lowest lows, an emotional rollercoaster. My head said “run” and my heart said, “but wait, I love him and I’ve seen the good guy he can be.” The doting attention and love bombing drew me into your world. We traveled together. We had a comfortable day-to-day routine. We had fun. I ignored the red flags early in the relationship. I made excuses for you. Your eyes watched my every move, your snooping on my phone knew every text message and every contact. You questioned Facebook posts from years before I met you. You see, I didn’t know someone like you existed. I am a naturally trusting person, believing the person I am with will reciprocate that honesty and trust. I was forthcoming about my past relationships. I never changed my password. I had nothing to hide.
The first outrageous accusation came out of nowhere, 3 weeks after the supposed time of occurrence, and caught me off-guard. I was in disbelief that you would actually think this of me. Your narration portrayed me as a sneaky, lying, unfaithful girlfriend. No matter how hard I pleaded and denied, you called me a liar and laid out your sequence of events, so sure of every detail. I saw your darkest side and yet you knew how to keep me hanging onto you. You were just getting warmed up. I had become dependent on your attention, not able to understand that what I thought was all in my head and heart was actually a physiologic response as well. Still making excuses for you and rationalizing your behavior, I blocked out the bad and chose to focus on only the good. The accusations escalated, the surveillance techniques refined, and the stories became more flagrant and unbecoming of my true character. I could recognize the oncoming slur of my integrity by your eyes. Your adamant claims of my wrongdoings were impossible to argue. Your inability to see my innocence often sent me into a rage, my entire body shaking, my heart pounding, and tears flowing. I spent so much of my time angry, your control over me was obvious. My anxiety skyrocketed, and your tracking of my movement, phone calls, emails, and surveillance was incessant. Yet, I was determined to prove myself innocent. You peppered our relationship with just enough sweetness and tenderness to keep me hanging on to you, hoping you’d change and be the good man I knew you were capable of being. But you managed to manipulate and gaslight my innocence into deranged fantasies in your head, insisting I tell you the truth, and calling me a liar when I adamantly denied it, time and time again. I am not that person you made me out to be in your brain. Your insult to my integrity only drove me harder to prove my worth and innocence. I may be stubborn, but I’m intelligent and I’m a kind person. I wanted so badly for you to know me. I thought maybe you were throwing these disgusting accusations at me in an effort to drive me away. But then you’d turn and a better, kinder side would emerge once again, reigniting my hope in us.
I lost friends, I lost confidence, and at times it felt like I was losing my sanity. My autonomy could only be found at work, and you even managed to cross the lines into my professional relationships. It was demoralizing, disrespectful, degrading, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and shameful. Yes, I failed to set boundaries, but you would not have respected them even if I did.
The day we parted ways I remember as if it was yesterday. I needed closure and I asked you to come to my house to bring me my scuba gear. You presented your good side that day. We made small talk, I wrote you a check for the scuba gear, and you said goodbye to my dog. There were tears in your eyes. You told me you were proud of me, referring to a recent home renovation I had done. We hugged. With tears and sincerity, I thanked you for all the good times but admitted I should have left you long ago the day you first accused me of inviting a man into my home and what you said ensued afterward. Your response was “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Being emotionally spent and having put my anger to bed, I simply replied “Yes you do, yes you do.” You see, whether intentional behavior, a personality disorder, or if you truly believe these things happened, I only held sadness and pity for you. You walked down my front walkway and out of my life. As time has elapsed, I see what our relationship was with more clarity. You were too busy with your own agenda in painting me as an unfaithful partner to truly know me. There was nothing I could’ve done to be enough for you. I rediscovered myself and regained the independent human being I was before I met you. Your behavior is a cycle and finding out your antics existed in your relationships before me, and continued after me, has given me validation that I was not the unstable one. I am thankful today to be in a healthy place, both mentally and spiritually.
I share my story today because I now know I was not the only one. Your behavior did not start with me, nor has it ended with me. Naively, I assumed you would move on and hopefully find love and happiness, leaving me out of your equation. I find out you chose to share your version of our relationship with your next partner and probably others of whom I am not aware. I hope my story can help others who find themselves in a similar relationship heal and overcome the shame and anger it brings.
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