It was my fault. Your affair was my fault, you said. I had become emotionally withdrawn and so you had to look for someone else. It makes sense now, you needed supply because I did emotionally withdraw. Why? Shortly after we got married, you were convinced you had me trapped. Your narcissistic traits could no longer be held at bay. You repeatedly stated, "I want to fly you to the islands and watch you get f*cked". Your words shook me to my core. That was not me. That felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and unimaginable. I asked you to stop. You continued to speak those horrendous words. Yes, I withdrew. When you asked why I had anxiety, all I could pinpoint was I was processing. Processing what? I couldn't quite name the emotions. You were joking you said, none of that was important. All words that were spoken to cover your tracks. My nervous system went into freeze mode. This was a man I promised myself to and he promised to love and protect me. I know now I felt abandoned, used, and confused. I see now, that your wanting to watch me with an "island boy" would satisfy your sex addiction & justify your need to have an affair. It was a projection. I know now you had an affair in every relationship before me. You needed me to be unfaithful, if only in your mind, so you could justify your act of betrayal. One supply was never going to be enough to fill your narcissistic void. I know now, my light didn't hold a chance to the dark abyss in your heart. You were never going to respect me or my boundaries. You were never going to appreciate my love or loyalty. I will heal because your need to betray will not cast shadows on my ability to be loyal.
The Affair.
I questioned you at the end of January. I caught you in February and again, in April. It was the cleaning lady. You proclaimed she needed your help. She was going through a difficult time with her husband and you were counseling her through her divorce. I ended up consoling you and her. You bought a 2nd phone so you were able to talk to her. You justified it, it was the company marketing phone. You bought her a brand new $46,000 car so she had something big enough to haul
around her 7 kids. You played games with your son before you bought him a new car. The cleaning lady? She got one on the spot. She can have one and double the cost of what you gave your own son. You met her at hotels. You were disappearing without explanation to your kids. They asked me where you were. You met her in the middle of the night, to rescue her from her "dangerous" husband. The police couldn't do it, only you could protect her.
My intuition spoke loud enough in April. You had disappeared after a family dinner. My calls went unanswered. Call the local hotel, my intuition said at 6 AM. Then they connected me to your room. I drove over just in time to see her husband writing on your cars. I was so bewildered. This is the stuff that happens on TV or Jerry Springer.
Her husband knew who I was and approached my car to let me know you bought that car for her. With the front desk person as my guide to your room, I knocked and waited outside your hotel room door. I had your brother on the phone. After 5 minutes, unapologetically, you stormed out of the room, elbowing your way past me, protecting her, she was cowardly staying in the room. The hotel employee stated if you touched me again he would call the cops. You were only sorry you got caught and would be exposed.
4 hours later, I was at the airport picking up your daughter who was flying in to spend time with you. It was me who greeted her at the gate with a crushed and disappointed face because you weren't there to pick her up. It was me who had to wait at security for clearance because your ex-wife didn't know I would be the one at the gate and I wasn't on the ticket. We couldn't leave the airport because she was a minor. It was me who lied to your daughter about where you were. It was me who took her to lunch and tennis while you were too strung out from spending the night with the cleaning lady in room 214. You are "busy," you tell everyone. It was me who plastered a smile on my face and pretended like everything was just fine for the day.
I demanded you get the car back from her. You said the cleaning lady needed time to get a new car. 8 days later, just 2 days after my 40th birthday, you asked if I would go with you to retrieve it from her mother's house. You drove there as if you had been there before. You needed control and to further manipulate me. I showed my face at her mother's house. You had been there before. You had met her family. You admitted you met them for dinner with her to assure them you would protect her. It was clear this was more than an affair. I drove up her mother's driveway while you got the car and waved to her. We drove off. You called me immediately and wanted me to know why. You explained you called me so I knew you weren't talking to her and to calm my anxiety. As if that made a difference. I talked to you on the drive home, verbally upset and in tears, you weren't sorry. My emotional torment and tears were your narcissistic pacifier.
You told your daughter that you told you wouldn't buy a car for her if she didn't move in with you. Why would that matter? Because you didn't want your car to sit in your ex-wife's driveway or let her drive it. The cleaning lady can drive her car anywhere. Bribing your daughter for control. Rather than taking care of your family, you are still trying to hurt your ex-wife and by doing so, you are using your daughter.
This is all done by a self-proclaimed "family man" who wants his franchisees to be a T-ball coach and present in their kids' lives, proclaiming on his social media he is serving others one day at a time with a giant pickle mascot, disappears on his own family. It is all a facade. It is all a game to you. That pickle represents your sex addiction.
You spent company funds on that car. Paid in cash for a non-employee to be driving it around for nearly 2 months. Risking everything to feel superior. I watched while you made your employees and franchisees wait for technology that cost 1/2 of what you spent on her. I listened while you explained it was the "operation team" car, and a few days later, it was "the marketing car", just like it was your "marketing phone". It sat in the driveway while you scrambled to make it make sense of the purchase. Your son's girlfriend drove it until you "generously" gave it to your assistant. You used it to gain admiration.
None of this was my fault. These were your premeditated behaviors. This was your narcissistic playbook. My emotional reaction was soothing to you and the dark hole where your heart should be. You did not care your words and actions were hurtful, and you only needed supply. You can't help yourself when you see an opportunity to boost your sense of self and to buy admiration. You will continue to use people, places, and things in your narcissistic abusive cycle. Love-bomb, devalue, discard. Your self-serving tactics will continue to get better as you practice. Only after I left you, I found out it's the same playbook you used in previous relationships. Project a betrayal so you can feel justified in betraying.
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